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Again just bringing up a new thread for this topic... .Although I'm steadily moving on I obviously still feel pain and I guess Its a blow to the ego. Most people on this forum have been contacted or had their ex cause multiple problems since the break. However apart from an email 3 months ago just making sure I didn't hate her I haven't heard nothing... .

Just curious to know what to make of a situation when a person with BPD doesn't recycle. I really hope im at the point where I don't care anymore soon.

Godbless.

Snap,

A recycle is not good.

Not good in the sense of where you will be left at the end of that.

Sure, if she comes back to you... .

She will exhibit good behavior for x period of time... .

Will almost make you forget what she did before... .

And then she will get triggered... .

And hell will begin.

Ultimately... .That person will repeat what they did the first time.

Discard.

And it will hurt you far worse.

Why?

You will have invested far more of yourself second time around.

End result.

0.

I know how you feel.

I know it hurts.

I havent either but thats ok! Can heal faster and not live the lie!

Snap --

To echo Ironman's comments -- "Why haven't I been recycled?"

Because you've been lucky.

Snap-

There is a member on this board (Charred, I believe?) who was recycled 25 YEARS after he was first involved with his BPDex. Being 3 months out you may very well be out free and clear.  Or it could be another month. Or a year. Or years.  Who knows.  But it isn't something you should be waiting for or anticipating.  Doing either will prevent you from moving on.

snappafcw, I know how you feel. I have allowed myself to be recycled some many times ive lost count. I allowed myself to get pulled back in for two days last week and she was gone again.

The alst make up was the hardest, she was acting better then most of teh oterh times, saying all the right words, she was getting help, she really wanted to get married, she even went as far as to check into wedding locations. About week out from the beak jup explosion she started showing signs of push away again. Being sneaky, becoming distant, not wanting sex, then one small minor argument and she exploded and said she couldnt do this anymore. I felt just like a fool.

I fell back into again, almost last week. I allowed her to use me for sex and to make her feel good about herself. She used me, told me she still loved but then told me she couldnt do this anymore and then left on vacation. I havent heard from her since. Left me feeling lower then ever.

It will probably come for you but I really hope that you are strong enough to resist, becasue everyone is right it will only make you feel worse in the end. You will feel validated for a moment but then when you get dropped again and I will bet my life savings it will happen again you will feel like you are worthless.  especially since they will tell you once again how them leaving is all your fault.

I'm really sorry all that happened to you mitchell.

I am feeling pretty worthless right now. Pretty much the last time I ever saw my ex she brought over a list of rental properties because she wanted to move out with me. Then a few weeks later dumps me by text trying to make out its my fault because i dont earn enough money as well as other things and then when she did the break up after pushing and pushing she made it out like I left her and guilted me saying she would of married me and blah blah blah... .It was an emotional mess. I do realise she wont get better. I heard she had a fallout with her best friend but they are hanging out again and she is the one that enables all her behavior and controls her... .

I really don't know what my point is i guess this is a vent. Part of me wonders why im not worth more but if i really believed that it means i've learnt nothing in my time here. She is sick end of story. Just feel like crap sometimes still... .

You may not want to read this but not everyone on here has been recycled. Some of us have left our ex's and some of us will never hear from our ex's again.

A better question to ask yourself is what do you believe will come out a recycle? A mentally ill person cannot validate you!

I get that there may be some envy from the people who believe that contact from them means some form of validation but it's a misguided narrative to believe so. Contact from an unwell, untreated BPD is a disaster. Recycles are never about unrequited love and recycles don't come with a happy ending. Recycles are about seeing if supply (that's you) is still available to fulfill THEIR needs.  A recycle is not their way of rescuing us from pain. They don't come back and make things all better. In truth a recycle with a dropped mask is nothing to be jealous over because the idealization period that we're chasing is pretty much a wrap so you'll only be experiencing more of their BPD; not less.

Recycles do not mean that our ex's have tossed their BPD in the nearest garbage bin. They're still unstable, sick in the head and heart and prone to projecting their pain on you. It's how they cope. Do you really want more of that? Or do you believe that her mental illness isn't real?

I get that your self worth is tied into being validated by your ex's return. But you can exist without her validation. I get that you miss the good times and you may even  love her but she's not the key to your happiness and she never will be. That answer as cliche as it sounds lives in you.

Spell

Snap... .

perhaps changing your email address, phone number (texts) can further reduce avenues for recycle.

in the meantime, practice disengagement.  visualize it.  be prepared.  continue to move in moving on.

god bless, good-bye. be strong, firm, and steadfast in your commitment to your self-care and self-protection.  Keep your eye on the ball in completely letting go... .

This may sound harsh ( and I don't mean it to be) but you are lucky not to have been recycled.It's awful... there is never a happy ending and it puts recovery from these toxic relationships back.Causes so much pain.I allowed myself to be re-cycled several times.My God, he said and did all the right things in order to get me back.And each time dropped me in a cruel callous way.First re-cycle I was dropped for his ex wife( who he had painted black to me).Of course he couldnt tell me that he was doing this... .he had to make it out to be my fault.It was my failings that caused the splits.For that read :I am going to try again with her.Not that I knew at the time but she went back to her second or third husband ( i forget) and he got back with me.I embraced it because I am an idiot.I was dumped again... .all my fault apparently because i was "stroppy" and had failed to pass some form of mystery test.Now before you think I am mad... .he actually used the terms " You failed to pass the mystery test I set for you so we cannot be together".He actually meant he had met someone else.This didnt work out so guess what... .?He came back again !I only found out about his other relationships after the re-cycles.I am "lucky" in that our friends and family  were  in a position to give me the truth when I eventually asked... My ex still denies involvement with other women to this day.He didnt re-cycle because he wanted me... .he did so because there was no one else.I know it hurts and I am sending a  , but believe me... .if they stay away you can heal from the pain.NB.xx

not all ppl with BPD recycle r/s some walk away and dont look back. some stay for ever

my exBPD g/f recycled many times with me but never with her ex husban or any of the ppl she cheated on me with or ppl she had r/s with when we were apart. remains to be seen if she will recycle with her new b/f stay with him or just move on

seems to me that some ppl with BPD have one person they recycle with long trem, if your not that person the r/s may have been little more than a flash in the pan to them.

if you are that person get ready to know real pain rip out your heart,blacken your soul,forget yourself,any life you had and get ready for the gates of hell to open!

I was "recycled" once.  If that's what you call it.  We had only been broken up for about a week the first time.  And... .like everyone else here has said... .it got worse, not better.  The first break up was more my reaction to a rage episode.  This time was his decision.  I wish I hadn't gone back.  The last two months of the relationship were very painful.

I know how you feel.  I still think about him all the time.  Wish he'd call.  Miss him and yearn for him.  It's been almost two and a half months since the break up.  A week since he last got in touch with me and almost two since I've contacted him.  I'm trying to be strong here.  But I'm also trying to figure out what I want from him.  Do I just want him to be sorry?  Do I just want him to want me back?  Do I just want to be sure he's not with someone else?  I know none of that should matter but to the small immature part of me it does.  Detaching is hard work.  I haven't done a very good job of it. 

im right with you emelie on time frame and wanting to contact gos. last few days have been really hard not to reply to last weeks contact.

i trying hard to get past this and move on, living alone is not helping

STBX uBPDw dumped me and painted me black. It's 7 months since she left and she has not recycled me. She's with my replacement.

She's tries to provoke and control. She was trying to see if I was still emotionally available before and after her departure, but that's about it. I was still engaging in our toxic conflicts but since I've gone minimal contact, she hasn't engaged me.

Honestly, it's been 6 days since I've gone minimal contact and I feel great. I have not felt this good in years.

From what I've read here on these boards, it's about them and what's happening in their lives. As long as there is someone in their lives. Someone else also said it's game over if they paint you black. I don't care, I can feel myself getting better without her.

Nine months out. No recycle-attempts. Painting-black is still going on. Still manipulating and trying to control. Very LC.

This is a great question - and I am going to bullet point some key facts for you that I have concluded over the years:

- Not being recycled is NOT directly proportionate to the degree of love your pwBPD had for you.

- You WERE recycled during your relationship; you just didn't know it.  Way before these relationships end, a pwBPD was triggered and pulled away, you just didn't realize it... .it was only at the end did you see the severity that was felt often.

- Your life is not over, do not be so sure a pwBPD might not come back

- BOUNDARIES:  YOURS, it is possible your pwBPD trusted you to have them; think of this as a compliment.

Let me repeat this one:

The love a pwBPD felt does not = recycle.  Recycling is about emotional need - not love - for BOTH parties.

Peace,

SB

Well said, sb -- you're on a roll today.


Emelie and simply -- hang in there. It is hard, yes. We're all human. But it gets easier, with each day. Time does heal all wounds, at least partly. Some take longer to heal than others.

Hang in there.

I'm in the same boat as you VeryScared. I choose to work on myself and not have her denegrade and blacken me through engagments or vent her vitriol on me. I choose to not have it directed on me. She just tries to manipulate, blame and control me in most engagements and searches for sotthing.

I'm done. It's the replacement's turn IMO.

I can understand wanting to be recycled.  Sometimes there are even just things you wish you'd said, if given the chance, even if it goes south again.  And it likely will.  But often you did say and do the right things.  Sometimes you do wish for just one more day.  I understand that.

Seeking Balance:  I'm thinking about what you said... .recycling does not equal love it equals emotional need for both parties.  I wouldn't/couldn't go back to my ex for many reasons.  If I did you're probably right... .it would be because of emotional need.  But as hurt and angry as I am I still love him.  And I believe he really loved me.  Albeit in his "disordered" way.  I think knowing I can't go back to this relationship under any circumstances (well... .short of him doing therapy three times a week for the rest of his life... .one of them with me  :)) does help.  I'm not trying to "get him back".  But I'm still having a very difficult time letting go.  I'm still having a very difficult time getting over the hurt.  And I'm more than a little scared about my prospects in future relationships because there's clearly something "wrong" with me.  Wrong that I was so freaking shattered by a man and relationship like this that a healthier person would have ended long ago.  The good part is I have sought therapy and I am learning some things.  But it's been a difficult revelation.  One that has shaken my whole self identity.  And I've had my share of relationships.  Some that hurt when they ended.  But nothing like this.  Even though I know I can't go back I still play mental movies where he calls and says he has to talk to me.  He loves me and misses me and needs me.  I still want him to want me.  I still want validation from him.  He has told me he loves me and misses me and I believe him.  So if I am not going back why isn't that enough validation?  I, and I think most of us, realize they are mentally ill.  So to want things they are not capable of giving is insane on our end.  I don't know where I'm really going with this... .just having a particularly hard day I guess.  And I get angry with myself for still feeling this way.  I had a friend die young of cancer three months ago.  The world is full of tragedy.  I know how fortunate I am.  Why can't I let go and move on from this?

Snappafcw,

Don't feel bad.  I was re-cycled over and over for 3 1/2 years.  It's not fun and it hurts-- a lot.  Now I have been absolute NC since July, and don't anticipate any contact any time soon.  It will be OK.  Life goes on and we must just deal with the pain.  Even if she tries to contact you down the line, don't allow it.  Turn away! I am planning to do the same should the vampiress I was once in a relationship with choose to attempt to bite me again.

And she will!

Thanks guys I really just needed to hear some common sense and I am very sorry for all of your pain. Most of you seem to have come so far and that's why I have always had hope.

Seeking Balance is right... .Technically I think I was recycled already during the relationship once or twice and i realise part of the reason she hasn't come back was because I stood up for myself and stuck to my boundaries... .Also she is very very beautiful. Not the sole reason I dated her but definitely a bonus I guess she can have any guy blubbering to her that she wants and If thats the case why would she ever want to change... .

snappafcw, I know you feel bad that you haven't been recycled, it feels like you weren't good enough to begin with and then not even good enough to be recycled now.

One thing to realize that whether your BPDex wants to recycle has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her! It says absolutely nothing about your worth or value! We cannot measure any of our self-worth against the actions a mentally ill person takes in regards to us. I am sure that we understand this intellectually, and of course, it's overcoming our habitual emotional responses that is required for true acceptance -- integrating both the intellectual and the emotional.

Not all pwBPD exhibit all the same exact behaviors, remember the diagnosis is 5 out of 9 behaviors according to DSM. Some pwBPD self-injure, some outwardly rage at their partners, some are promiscuous, some are low functioning, some are high functioning, etc.

If it's any consolation, my BPDex hasn't made any overt moves to try and get me back in any capacity. And I am perfectly content for it to remain that way.

Entering into a recycle with someone who's done these things to you, is to devalue yourself. Small wonder the BPD's later join in & further devalue you again. Be grateful you haven't been through the sheer indignity of it!

Mind = BLOWN

That is a genius way of putting it, Moonie!   |iiii

EE:

Great last post... .your last couple of sentences, however, expose your vulnerabilities.  I appreciate how honest you are in digging that deep inside of your self.   If you still play and replay those mental movies about xyz--it's akin to an addict forgetting about the bad times and romantizing the high, perhaps setting up for a relapse.  I get that too.

Why do you seek, yearn, "still want validation from him"?  Seems to me this would be best explored more deeply and consistently within the safety of therapy and perhaps become a theme for you to learn more from.  To me, it is akin to a cocaine addict seeking the elusive first high over and over again... .yet that first high, is over and done with.

My God... .i spent months in couples counseling talking about my need for "validation".  And we talked about it, but that was all.  I was great at validating her... .upon identifying my deep need for validation from her as it pertained to my needs, it was like asking a blind person to see.  And on top of that, i was the one with double blinders on, because so many more unmet needs of mine just layered on top of more layers of unmet needs on a slippery slope that was so far down, while i was still in fantasy land.  I geuss that's part of my own inner realm of what the heck, in terms of trying to get water out of a rock.

Instead of replaying those tapes,,, when you catch yourself doing so ... .can you stop. Stop.  Redirect you mind, body, thinking processes, anything onto something else?

To be honest, i am amazed inside of myself... .after 2 weeks of horrendous exchanges between the two of us after having the carpet pulled out from underneath me AGAIN, I wrote out a 15 page summary of BPD undermining incidents and flip flops in attempting to blast thru the denial and projections as a heads up for pending divorce.  When i re-read it is re-traumitizing.  And yet, for the life of me... .have been missing her... .imagining her being loving and nice, urg... .and experiencing that tender yearning inside my heart.  And then i remember to snap out of it, move on to something else and my energy begins to lighten up as i imagine a future being with someone new who does not suffer from untreated BPD and whose drama and raging does not come from some manipulative schema in which i am to blame, and further imprisoned by.

Why can't you let go and move on from this?  AWESOME question.  I dunno.  How about, why can't you leg go and move on from this, yet... .? might serve you better.   Perhaps you are, in your own way.  Thank you for your honesty and sharing.  Hope this makes sense.  Believe in your capacity to heal and in your right to be happy , perhaps acknowledging this is a relationship in which you can't be happy.  That's what i did, and it helps for a couple of hours... . :)istraction can also be helpful.  Also acknowledging this is a relationship that is not safe for me helps also.  Good luck to you.

For me its two years out. No recycle-attempts. Painting-black is Still going on.

I'm so glad that my replacement is still hanging in there, otherwise he would attempt to recycle with me. Thank goodness that I'm much stronger now than I was then.

Emelie Emelie, recovery from a BPD relationship can take a long time, but it does happen and you will be grateful for it.  

EE:

As I ponder it, i think for me it has to do with wanting to prove (why?) that my love is the best, my love is the deepest and most profound sincere everlasting kind of love.  And then if that rings true, then truly i am deserving of mutuality.  And if the mutuality isn't there in a  healthy mature way, i can also say I don't love you any more.  Just like a junkie might be able to say to his drug of choice, i don't love you anymore, in a rebuking sorta way.  That's my current edge.  

Good luck with smoothing your edges and self-soothing care taking!  : )

NAILED IT!

Good answer

I was recycled four different times over a period of 6.5 years. Each time was worse and more toxic. The only reason why she left me for good the 5th time was because she had my replacement lined up and did not "need" me anymore. That ended the dysfunctional dance. I have not heard a peep from her since (with the exception of a visit around Xmas time with her "fiance" to return tree ornaments... .but I digress). At first I was devastated and hurt by the betrayal of her and my friend. Looking back two plus years now (wow I can't believe it's been this long already) her leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me. Don't get me wrong it hurt like hell and I fully understand the pain you are going through, but I know for me personally that woman would have literally killed me from all the stress and walking on eggshells all the time, never knowing when the next shoe would drop. It sucked the life out of me. You don't want another recycle. The honeymoon gets shorter and shorter and the eventual pain that YOU will feel gets greater and greater.

Also, just because they do not recycle you does not mean they do not have BPD or major symptoms of the disorder. If someone treats you like garbage it's still reprehensible regardless if there is an illness attached to it or not. You were treated like ___. That's the bottom line. You deserve better than that.