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We visited our son, after 4 years. We just wanted to enjoy being with him. We dont feel he was honest about many things, but let it go. There was no raging or arguing, but we didnt push the envelope either. Now that we have left, should we mention that he needs to work on his honesty issues, or let it go? Claims he is on meds and seeing a therapist. Not sure if this is true... .is it best to let him know that we realize his lies? I feel not saying anything is enabling.

Yes, I know what you mean there, and its a good point |iiii

It does not always help to confront and I would say if you hadnt seen your son for a long while, I wouldnt worry.

One thing I learnt was ITS NOT ABOUT BEING RIGHT, ITS ABOUT BEING EFFECTIVE

I think that is a helpful rule.

So, when my dd took an OD, she was in hospital saying she didnt, I knew she did, but I thought, what was the point in trying to be right? would it help the situation? No, I just wanted to validate how she felt. I decided to leave it.

Im not saying thats always the right way to do it.

I have a different problem, its when I say she has got BPD, she says, you dont think I still have that do you  

Thats usually when she has been through remission or good times.

Anyway, you cant tell her, she does rigid thinking, she cant hear those truthful bits.

Also, another thing that will help you, get a copy of Valerie Porrs book if you dont have it already, read what she says on lies and BPD, very interesting and insightful.

Also, what I want to say, is well dont for seeing him again and being there for him, I hope it works out for the best in the end.

One last thing is that it was your first time seeing him in 4 years, build up your relationship first maybe may be better or you could loose it. He will be ultra sensitive, so it will hurt him much more than other people.

Thank you for replying. I do have vp book.  His lying is really ruining his life. While we didnt say anything while with him,  should we stress he needs help in that area  or does he already know?

In the better times that he has, I think he knows and then he feels he cant do anything about it. I think he will feel terrible shame.

I know you didnt say anything, and I think that was good, mind you, Id like to know what others think about that too.

Arent they all in denial and need so much help. If only they would realise it.

Probably feel so bad, then cant admit to anything.

Im sure if my dd would admit to lots of things, that would be the beginning of her recovery    

That's a really good question.  My DD28 claimed a few months back during a verbal attack on me (in front of her husband and mine) that I told her gross and disgusting details of my sex life.  I never called her on that lie, but I would like to.  There's just no point because she will admit to nothing.  I just wonder if she actually believes I did that. 

If you haven't seen your son in four years, it's probably best not to call him out on the lies.  I do agree that not saying anything seems enabling, but telling him you know he is lying probably won't ensure any more visits in the near future.  When my daughter tried to get me to say she was never diagnosed with BPD (she likes to re-write history), I just told her we had a completely different version of what happened in the past and left it at that. 

Verbena, the point is did your dh and her dh believe that :)

Sorry, that is actually so stupid really isnt it. Course they didnt. So I would ask her what makes her think that, what was it you said, does she think it is ok to say that to you in front of others.

My dd says she cant come to live back at home because it reminds her of growing up in such a traumatic life here. Well, I tell you what, the reality is we are all traumatised, not her hahahaha

She had a brilliant life, never any bad things.

I view it like a child, if a toddler said to  you, "I hate you, I wish you were not my mum" I view it in the same way. Whats wrong? why is she saying this, something else has triggered this.

My feeling about lies -- they are a maladaptive attempt to self-protect and get needs met. So how do we stay connected, understand our own triggers about being lied to (to stay connected) and explore what the stress is that is pushing the fears. What are they afraid of if the truth is told?

qcr