BPDFamily.com

Hello All,

Wondering if anyone out there has strategies for dealing with constant blaming.  The ability of my undiagnosed soon to be ex-wife to constantly blame me for everything wrong in our marriage is truly soul crushing.  I find myself questioning if we were both on the same planet for the past 15 years.  Just looking for suggestions/activities/meditation strategies... .anything to help with the resultant cognitive distortions that she creates.  I find it especially difficult to deal with the "kernel of truth" blaming.  One of her big ones is that "you called me names like b----, etc., etc."  No mention of the fact that she just smashed a $500 clock on the ground or threw a knife at me when I called her these names.  

Thanks

Eodmava

Hi Eodmava

Welcome to our community! Although I'm sorry for the reasons you're here, I'm glad you've found us.

First of all, I'm a little worried about what you said regarding throwing the knife and the clock. When did this happen? Here's a link with some very helpful information how to handle situations like that:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0)

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As for constant blaming, it is something many of our members are familiar with. People with BPD are overflown with emotions and aren't able to handle it very well. And since they have trouble with self criticism and introspection, they look elsewhere to find a reason for feeling bad/angry/sad etc. So they project it onto someone else, usually their partner or someone else emotionally close to them. Hence it becomes your fault and you are blamed.

It helps to know that it's part of the disorder, to start with. And when it happens, state your truth once if you wish to, then disconnect from the conversation. You could say something like "I've already given my opinion on it, I'll go do mow the lawn now" Having some things you could do in another room or outside is good.

It's easier said than done, but the more you try to do it, the better you get. Personally, I find that when I'm tired or stressed, it's harder to disconnect so that's when I pay more attention to how I respond.

What really gets us is the "kernel of truth", like you said. Keep in mind that it's used to drag you into the discussion so that you will dysregulate with her. Try to keep out of it. Breath, take a time-out, do something else.

2nd everything Scarlet Phoenix said.  Also, it's good to bear in mind that even if you have only contributed 1% to the ultimate showdown (e.g. you called her a name, she threw a knife at you.  What you did does not deserve that kind of treatment and she has to be responsible for her own actions), she WILL only remember the 1% you did wrong. 

I find that sometimes it helps if you apologise for the things you did wrong (e.g. agree with her you shouldn't have called her that name), but refuse to take the blame for everything else that happened.  You can even use the phrase "everybody has choices/ everybody is responsible for their own actions".  This puts less blame on them but allow them to reflect.  Even though she may not feel she's wrong, at least you have presented to her the fact that both parties are always responsible in some way.