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I wonder how many others here experience this. My uBPDbf has a complete inability to discuss any issues with me. The only time he does is when we're on the verge of a breakup and he is trying to keep me... .but even then his thinking is black and white and very difficult to reason with in a discussion. I was upset tonight b/c it's been 6 weeks since I've seen him. Last weekend he said I could visit then ended up having to cancel b/c he had to work. He said we would see each other this weekend instead. Now he is saying he doesn't know if he has to work again. Sometimes I feel he uses this as an excuse to keep his options open in case any better plans come along. Most times I have verified he really is working... .but sometimes I have been very unsure and haven't known exactly. I can't know for sure. Anyways, I just got really quiet... .and then I asked him "do you want to see me or not?" and he went on abnout of course he wants to see me and I should know that... .then said maybe I don't know that or I wouldn't be asking. In the past I have cried or gotten angry with him about certain issues in which case he would tell me he didn't want to talk to me while I was upset so he would call me later when I was calm. So now I just get quiet and he says he will call me later because I am very quiet. The problem is, even when the issue is HUGE, when he calls me back, he pretends there is no issue. He doesn't discuss it further. I am tired of being the one to bring up uncomfortable issues. But I feel like it's pointless because he gets so awkward around discussing anything and then becomes completely avoidant. It seems to be a very child-like approach... .like "maybe if I PRETEND everything is ok it will just go away".

Anyone else experience this?

Hi eternity75.

My husband acts the same way when there are issues to discuss.

He never starts a discussion, and when I do start one, his thinking is just black&white or he lies/twist what i said.

When i bring up issues he pretend to be clueless and usually tells me he thought that everything was fine. Sometimes even get angry and telling me I'm saying things out of the blue.

I know what you mean when you say you're tired of being the one to bring up uncomfortable issues and that it is pointless.

I guess we have to learn how to communicate more effectively with them...

My H too has a very hard time discussing any issues that we might be going through.  He says he doesn't want to talk about anything because "it'll just make him mad again". 

I've been living in this cycle for over 30 years and it is always the same.  The core issues have never been discussed.  And I am guilty also because when things are calm, I don't want to start a war by bringing things up.  I just want to enjoy the calmness for as long as possible, so I avoid discussions too. So, of course, nothing ever gets resolved.

I am also living with this type of person. There never seems to be a good time to discuss anything serious with him, when we do, he tries to cut it short without saying very much and it gets dismissed.  Nothing EVER gets resolved and its hard to move on. He likes to sweep things under the rug and then forget about them.

Why, why, why are they like this.  This is the exact thing I'm talking about dealing with in my 'Lack of Communication' post.  Our issue is a marriage-killer, though, and if we could just talk about it, I'm sure we could solve the problems. 

Why can't they understand that to fix problem, you sometimes have to talk them out without anger.  I am crying inside because of the irrationality and utter stupidity of it all.  I just want to talk and she will not allow it.  I hate this life!

Okay maybe I am alone here but mine avoids the issues by switching it to something else completely, pushing my buttons and getting me all riled up.  Then I am the one who walks away shuts down or doesn't want to talk.  I am the one who gets quiet for fear of even saying "peep"  It is a complete waste of time to communicate  because if I said it looked like rain today, I would get a lecture on how negative I am and why can't I see the possitive.  There is not communicating about serious issues or small talk.  One day we were discussing a music video.  I said, "you must really like that video the way you defend it"   Just in a joking fun way.  It was a music video for goodness sakes.  Next thing I was like his dad who beat him and he couldh't have a conversation.   I shut down and I walk away.  Then he says I am the problem.  I never know anymore.

And if I ever did try to bring up an issue, he immediately turns it back on me.  He will say things like "well, what about the time YOU did xyz?" or "YOU always do that too", so the conversation turns to me JADEing.

After reading and learning the lessons on this board, I really try not to JADE anymore.  And I actually have brought it to his attention.  I'll say something like "We will talk about MY issues later.  Right now we are talking your YOURS".

Unfortunately, what happens at this point is that he shuts down.  So while an argument is stopped, we still never resolve anything.

Thank you all for your responses. It is very frustrating when there are so many issues that need to be discussed and instead they are just ignored or "pretended away". And yes sometimes when on the verge of a breakup and we discuss things finally he does twist things back on me that really make no sense... .and his thinking is completely black and white. Like last time we almost broke up or did break up (I can't even keep track anymore of which it was!) and I was saying to him how I felt about him constantly chasing other women and asked how he would feel if I was doing the same to him with other guys. And his black and white non-sensical thinking was basically like "I'd be fine because I know I love myself and that is what matters". Like really? I know this is not the truth and that he would be VERY bothered because I have seen he has a jealous streak, but he just acts like everything would be juuuuust peachy. He has a complete inability to see things from my point of view either. Put himself in my shoes? Yeah right like that would ever happen! It's such a frustrating thing. How does anything get dealt with when one party refuses to deal?

Hi eternity75

I can so relate with your difficulties in communication. I went through the same in my marriage. We could never discuss things or share feelings, never find a compromise. It is very frustrating. 

What you can do is try the communication tools, validation, and like maryy said, no JADE. Do you know the LESSONS about or do you need a link?

Hi eternity75!

I am so sorry to hear things are still not running smoothly for you in this relationship... .

This topic often comes up for many of us in dealing with our BPD loved ones. And I know you have been touching on this many times too in your posts about your r/s... .

And when push comes to shove it really always boils down to an important question that we as partners have to ask ourselves frequently and that is: is this relationship giving me what I want and look for in a relationship?

Have you read trough the workshop the dos and don't s in a relationship with a pw BPD? If not do it! Because it helps us get real with the facts that we have to be willing to face when being a partner to a pw BPD. You'll find a link to it here:

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0)

I know from reading your posts that you struggle with him constantly looking for validation in other women either emotional and physical and it is hard not to take such things personal for anybody! Because that is not supposed to be an ingredient in a healthy and mature relationship. But it is all too often the way of life for most pw BPD. And that is a frustrating fact!

Also distance is a problem for many pw this disorder since they have a problem when people are not around all the time, since the need for validation often is going on 24/7 for them... .

And when we are not there it is like we don't even exist to them... .And that triggers their need for seeking validation elsewhere... .

So why are they not then taking every opportunity to see us, one might wonder?

Well, simply put that too is about them and their needs and fears... .To all pw BPD fear of abandonment is a constant present in their emotional mind. They don't see relationships as lasting ever, so they always anticipate the final break up and abandonment taking place. And in order to relieve themselves off the stress from that anxiety they often too instigate the break ups themselves... .Over and over again... .At the same time they create this dysfunctional safety net of other people who they seek out validation from either through texting or temporary meetings on the side like a cushion if you will for the day they fear is imminent and the relationship breaks apart... .

It is dysfunctional thinking that causes dysfunctional behaviors and being on the receiving end of that is painful to say the least.

The longer time that passes between seeing each other, the greater the need becomes for validation from others. And the harder it gets for them to actually meet at the same time... .It really is a loose loose for both parties when this happens. Because there is nothing we can say or do to assure them we won't leave, and at the same time nobody can be there for another person 24/7 even when people are living together! Total enmeshment is not a healthy thing to strive for in any relationship. We need to be able to function on our own, regardless of being in a r/s or not.

Having said that, I don't think his reasoning is about wanting to keep his options open for other things when he is creating obstacles for meeting you. He is dysfunctional lay dealing with his fear of one day loosing you. And sometimes not seeing you makes that more bearable for him. It is due to his disorder and not about having more fun with others. So it is really not personal towards you. It is all about him and his fears and his anxieties, and he can't really share that with you because that means showing you his vulnerability... .And to him that translates into you wanting to leave him for not being "good enough". Again... .This is dysfunctional thinking and has nothing to do with reality or logical reasoning. It is all about fear.

I so understand your frustration since I have been there too... .My ex BPD bf did exactly the same thing and there are many other examples of that type of behavior in so many others stories across this board. He also had a harem of women he kept around him, not necessarily for cheating or physical attraction even. Even though he has been known for cheating in the past.  It for most of the women he keeps around him the hope of one day getting him is something he does cultivate with most of them... .It takes a very balanced and strong partner to be able to deal with that, since as you yourself have been contemplating before in your posts, this type of behavior borders on abuse for the person being on the receiving end of it... .

One might wonder why they even seek out more "serious" relationships with some people at all? But the answer to that is that they do seek out finding someone who they hope will be there for them always, who has tons of empathy and will replace the role of the perhaps parent lost or whatever it is that has caused the traumas of their life... .But at the same time they don't really believe in that dream anyway so the relationship becomes a struggle for them always... .This is the truly sad part about being a pw BPD, and especially if they go through life undiagnosed and untreated... .Because then the patterns and coping strategies will just keep repeating... .


This is a very important question! And above all it shifts focus to where it is supposed to be - with you!

Again this raises the question of whether this is a relationship you truly want, regardless of with whom... .

Most pw BPD have a hard time with any form of discussion or difference of opinion since it to them translates into argument and triggers their fear of abandonment. Either they become incredibly defensive or they lay flat asking you to choose. And behind that is always the fear of being left! Always! He sees it as you being mad at him and to him that translates into you not wanting to be with him anymore... .That is his view on reality. However not yours. But no matter what you do, you won't be able to invite him into your reality! He has to come to that realization all by himself. And without treatment chances that he ever will are extremely slim... .

If you read the link I gave you, you will see it clearly that being a partner to a pw BPD takes that we have to be able to look past these things and accept them for what they are. And also accept the role of not an equal partner, but the role of emotional care taker. And the difference is huge. I am not saying you shouldn't do it! Others are and they make a go of it. But it takes you building a strength and balance in you that never can take these things personally. And also not expecting to be treated as you could be treated by a man who does not have this disorder. Only you can figure out if you are up for that or not. But in order to figure that out, you need to emotionally detach from the pure feelings of love and the "good times" you have when you meet, and realize that with this guy, this whole package of constant mini break ups, seeking validation from others and perhaps even cheating and problems around seeing you is part of it too! Perhaps even the biggest part... .

So keep asking yourself if this is really giving you what you want and look for in a relationship?

Because you and your needs are important too!  

Best Wishes

Scout99