BPDFamily.com

Question to people with BPD or people who have had success with BPD suffers. Have been in an on off relationship with  a BPD sufferer. She is aware of her issues and is now in therapy twice a week getting DBT (I think).  She is very high functioning, and a lot of the horror storied I have read on this site were not prevalent with her.  but she was dealing with an eating disorder (binge eating). And has as far as im concerned the need of attention from men, more than was healthy which although was not a huge obsession thing while we were together. We broke up so she could work on her issues and when we did it became more obvious to her……... her need for validation. But she has become very aware of this………. Now. this due to her breaking up with me and then immediately looking for attention from guys when the whole point of us breaking up was for her to work on herself. The issues she has are with herself and were never taken out on me I just got caught on the roller coaster with her.

We broke up about a year ago and since then she has slept with a guy at work who she did not think highly of but because he was in a  senior position it was attractive to her. About 6 months later we were looking at getting back together and she came to visit, but the lack of stability stopped it happening, mainly her changing her mind. She then was with an ex boyfriend.

Recently she has been in contact with me saying these have given her the insight of what she actually wants. i.e me. But I have just said she needs to discuss this with her therapist and I’m not being drawn in or agreeing or committing to anything. as I said she is very high functioning, the rage thing is not there, no blame, but the food has always been an issue and the guy thing has now become a lot more prevalent. Saying that she is not worried about the food thing and seems to be accepting that and is not going into the tail spin she once would have if she binges, but she is now very aware of what happens with men and is seeing this a huge problem for her, were it used to be the food.

Anyway we are long distance and I’m refusing and have never committed to moving as I wonder would she be there in the morning if I did, due to her unstable nature. She knows all this we are very open about what I expect. And she says she wants to have a stable relationship. Im sure all the ups and downs and roller coasters etc is not what she wants.

Her therapist said that maybe the reason she called me is she knew being with x boyfriend is wrong so she is trying to balance it out by being with right person.  But also that im not 100% available could be a reason.

Obviously I still have feelings for this girl. And it was very hard to leave go of what we had, but I’m able to be a bit more detached right now.  I’m also aware of the relationship being unsustainable if I had to deal with these things and the roller coaster continued im not sure how long it could last. I’m all up for giving support, but there comes a point where in a relationship some behavior is just unacceptable. Saying that if we could be together with more stability then I could think of no one else I would rather be with. Additionally I’m also aware that having me or any other guy in her life may not be the right thing for her and that maybe it’s best to leave her at it.

My questions are

•   how does therapy help BPD suffers looking or attention and validation from guys.

•   How does therapy help them stop jumping into bed with people they know r wrong for them, or can it help them to stop themselves. 

•   How long does therapy take to help them start sorting these things out?

•   How does this therapy help them in general?

•   How stable can a sufferer with these symptoms get? 

•   Will these issues……regards the guy validation always be there?

•   Can a stable relationship ever be had?

•   Is possibly leaving herself sort this out…. without making plans with me be the right thing to do for her to sort her issues out.

•   R the feelings she says she has towards me real or is it just a need attention from another guy(me) now?

•   She is talking about going to SLAA (sex and love addiction anonymous) is that a  good idea?


As much as i would love things to work out with this person. As much as i feel I have a connection with her, and I would like my needs to be met and be with this girl, im very aware that some ones future mental state and quality of life are at stake and do not want to do anything that will upset things. Saying that she has done a good job of that herself! She is working on herself but it is early days. I realize everyone is different so it’s hard to answer these specific questions, but said I would throw it out there. Anyway appreciate anyone who takes the time to come back to me on this.

Many thanks

Hi echo72!

And  *welcome*

I am glad you have found your way to this community since this is a really good place to hang out when life has brought you a pw BPD... .

I would be lying if I were to say that being in a relationship with a pw BPD is a piece of cake, because it isn't... . But having said that, there are also many members here who have made it work, so it is not all black and white, to use a BPD analogy... .There is hope! However there will always take a bit of sacrifice on the non part when one of the parts of the relationship is having a serious personality disorder.

You ask some very valid questions here.  |iiii And it is very good of you to take your time and think things through the way you are, before considering re-entering into a r/s with your former girlfriend. And also good that you wonder about the treatment and it's potential effect on your potential r/s. Just the fact that you are able to detach yourself and think, works for you in this, and is also a plus if considering the relationship! Since it can prevent you from co dependency... .

I will try to provide you with some of my thoughts regarding your questions, and I am sure others will follow. But it is important you understand that my answers does not equal the "truth" here... .There are as many truths as there are people involved... .And even more so if one has BPD, since then what is true today may not be true tomorrow... .:) And the only truth important here is your truth - that is this is ultimately your decision whether you want to try again with this girl! And what you decide will at that time be what is right for you!

So to your questions:

•   how does therapy help BPD suffers looking or attention and validation from guys.

Normally either DBT nor schema therapy usually addresses this particular issue especially. So therapy can not be seen as a vaccine against cheating or flirting if that has been part of a borderlines coping pattern... .However one does address the coping patterns and more specifically the dysfunctional needs to act on every impulse or put too much emphasis on every feeling or thought that enters their mind... .They also work on the needs for validation and attention to find other ways to self soothe and find acceptance and love for themselves instead of having to seek that elsewhere... .

However, attention seeking from other people is not entirely a BPD trait, that means, some people are flirts and some aren't. So there is no guarantee that particular behavior seizes to exist just because she undergoes treatment... .Pw BPD are individuals, so the response to treatment also varies from person to person.

However, if she is successful in learning how to self soothe and begins to accept and like herself more, then hopefully the need for others attention will diminish... .That is of course a hoped for goal of the treatment.

•   How does therapy help them stop jumping into bed with people they know r wrong for them, or can it help them to stop themselves. 

Treatment in itself doesn't help with that... .Usually though the seeking out validation also from people they know are "wrong" for them, or who they perceive other people feel are "wrong" for them, (which is usually more the truth), has a lot to do with their self image, and sense of self that is very underdeveloped in most pw BPD. Working on finding that sense of self and also growing self esteem and self acceptance is a big part of treatment. And with a bit of luck the needs or even the wishes for seeking out "wrong" or perhaps "dangerous" people will subside given some time... .

•   How long does therapy take to help them start sorting these things out?

Successful therapy with lasting results takes years, even if the person is highly motivated and committed to it. it is really about unlearning the core values and truths about life that they have thought and lived by as the only truths their whole lives and then accepting a whole new set of ideas and then also to learn how to live by them... .It is about finding their true identity and then vanquish many many many thought and coping patterns that has taken up their whole life up until now... .

So it requires a lot more work than quitting smoking or loosing a lot of weight, and is even tougher than freeing yourself from a substance abuse... .just to give a few examples... .Change is hard for all people. And changing your whole perception of life is really really hard. So the ones that manage to commit to these forms of intensive treatment are worthy of a lot of respect!

•   How does this therapy help them in general?

In general the goal is to build a stronger sense of self, unlearn old dysfunctional coping strategies and thoughts and replacing them with more functional tools to make everyday life easier and lessen the "need" for reacting on every emotion that enters the mind. Learning about human interaction and gaining insight into other possible ways to think compared to their own... .Building acceptance and a better understanding of themselves and working on finding peace in being ok, loving oneself... .and so on and of course working with their fears of abandonment, intimacy, engulfment and of not being lovable... .

•   How stable can a sufferer with these symptoms get? 

There really is no limit to what a person undergoing such intense treatment can achieve. However we are all just humans, and some are more motivated than others. The severity of the disorder also varies from individual to individual and subsequently also the results.

•   Will these issues……regards the guy validation always be there?

Not necessarily! But it may. And if so, it is important that you as a potential partner can then learn to understand and take that for what it is, and not take it personally, which it isn't... .Coping strategies are never about other people but about surviving and fleeing from pain (real or imagined)... .

•   Can a stable relationship ever be had?

Yes, there are many examples of that here within the community! However stability is of course also a relative term... .There are no guarantees for total stability in any relationship... .Things may happen that affect the relationship and the individuals in it. And when entering a r/s with a pw BPD it is important to understand that they do have a disorder that there really is no complete cure for... .It is not an illness but a disorder consisting of wounds and perceptions of life attracted early on in life in combination with a genetically induced sensitivity or vulnerability that together affect the personality. So as a partner we also have to learn to accept them for who they really are too... .

•   Is possibly leaving herself sort this out…. without making plans with me be the right thing to do for her to sort her issues out.

There is no way I or anyone else here can answer that, since we don't know her, and the answer to that is very individual, in my opinion... .However if you want to discuss that further maybe you should ask your girl friend to talk to her therapist about it. Her therapist knows better how she functions and it really should be up to your girl to decide what is in her best interest... .You however need to think about what is in your best interest!

•   R the feelings she says she has towards me real or is it just a need attention from another guy(me) now?

This is a complicated question and one there is no one right or wrong answer to... .Mixing up feelings of love and need for validation is common among pw BPD. but on the other hand it is not true that they cannot love! They can. However the emotional maturity level is usually a bit impaired due to the disorder so they often form too strong attachments too fast at times. And they also have problems sometimes sustaining feelings. And both nons (especially with co dependency issues) and BPD's have a tendency to put too much emphasis on the idealization part of the relationship, that is the initial infatuation and passion that often is present in these relationships. And that is not necessarily the same as long lasting mature love for another person... .

Some pw BPD seem to just jump from flower to flower so to speak, whereas some form strong attachments to certain people who they recycle over and over. And some find comfort in a stable r/s, whereas others form stable r/s's but still need validation from others less meaningful to them on the side... .(I don't mean cheating necessarily validation from others can be many things... .)

With these things we have to go with our gut, and ask our mind to balance it out for us... .The fact that she has kept in touch with you all this time is speaking for the fact that she also has true feelings for you. However if they are enough to be able to give you exactly the relationship you want is not up to her to decide... .She can only be her... .So that decision has to be yours.

•   She is talking about going to SLAA (sex and love addiction anonymous) is that a  good idea?

I really can't tell... .I don't know exactly what kind of treatment she is receiving now is, and if it is advisable to work with different tools at the same time. That is really a question for her and her therapist. My guess is the SLAA is not necessarily a bad idea, but if they don't have an understanding of her as a borderline chances are some of the things can be different from the things she learns in therapy. And ambivalence can be triggering for many pw BPD... .So if this is discussed between you, suggest to her that she can bring up the issue with her T.

I hope this give you at least a start on your journey of understanding her disorder and her treatment a little better! Please use the boards and us for all questions you might have! And do keep in touch!

Is there anything you are looking for like information on the disorder, how to use better communication tools to avoid unnecessary conflict in a r/s w a pw BPD - please let us know! There are a lot of good info to be found here!

We are here for you, and we want to help, so let us know how we best can be of support for you at this time!

Best Wishes

Scout99

Scout99 gives very good advice.  After doing a fair amount of reading about BPD and experiencing it first had hand with a BPD wife (we are getting divorced), it seems some BPD sufferers will improve. But the statistics are something like 2%

Scout99 many thanks for your time and detailed answer. it really helps a lot. what will happen will happen, to be honest right now im thinking i should just leave her at it. and hope she applies herself to therapy. it is complicated enough us trying to live in the same place. and right now she is pushing for us to get back together, but tomorrow or next week or the week after may well be different.  if things are meant to be i guess they will be. we shall see what happens. still care for her and would love it to work but i have my doubts.