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Received another unrecognized local call to my cell.

I didn't respond.

A long silent voicemail was left.

Last time received a long silent voicemail?

From her.

In the NC period after she first left... .

A few weeks prior to her re engagement of me.

She has most likely noticed that I am no longer on Facebook or Instagram.

I have permanently closed both accounts after she left me second time.

She has no other way to track me.

All I can do is not respond.

It is not in my best interest to respond.

Only pain awaits me in x period if time if I do.

Redesigning my ironman suit.

A bow of grace to you.

May your wisdom continue to refine and redesign your iron.

Seeker,

My ironman suit was no match for her when she fully transformed into the other side.

It can only really protect me if I do not allow her anywhere near me.

It couldn't withstand direct missile barrages from point blank range.

But it can protect me from glancing blows and what not.

It can protect me when she cannot directly target me.

Am incorporating extra armor in torso area... .

Right where my heart is.

I've lost enough heart as is... .

In 2 rounds with her.

Ironman in an effort for the redesign of the suit I'd like to suggest our leaving board lessons.  Have you checked them out?

(right hand column ----> at the top)

There's one about about detachment and grief - that are like taking the suit apart to get a good look at the damage, one about beliefs that keep us stuck and some links to workshops that can help with the rebuild on that extra "armor".

:)

Green,

Thank you.

I have checked it out.

I am not ruminating as much as I was before.

no message means delete.  She didn't have anything to say.  And it's a mind hit .  It reminds you of her.  It doesn't let you continue you day in your own thoughts having nothing to do with her. 

Eeyore,

I deleted the silent voicemail.

I know what she is trying to do.

She has done this before... .

A pattern of behavior.

I will not let it come to fruition this time.

Maintaining my NC.

No Contact is SO IMPORTANT.  People who have not been in a relationship with a BPD person do not understand the level of toxicity.  The absolute magnetism they hold over us can be overwhelming.  We can get sucked in so easily.  They charm us with their promises.  We want to believe them.  When they affirm us and treat us well it is akin to a heroin injection.  Seriously. No, really, seriously.  My ex lured me back in recently.  I was ecstatic.  I thought she finally saw the light; I am a good man; she needs me; I am her man.  Then, I was tossed on the dump heap like last Sunday's newspaper when she found a shinier toy (biker boy).  And she wants to be friends!   I ignore her texts.  Yet I hope for more texts... .cuz it means I am somewhere on her radar.  Lord Jesus help me... .  Ironman, delete, delete, delete... .I beg you.  I want to decrease the amount of suffering in this world.  If you succumb and respond to the silent voicemails your heart will explode like a tomato in a microwave.  But you know this.

Fiddlestix

Fiddlestix,

I know.

I can relate to how that must have felt.

Far too painful.

It is why i deleted the voicemail.

I have gone down this path twice.

The second time firmly showed me that there should have never even been a first time.

A specific proviso of this disorder to continue unabated is to respond to their reaching out.

I will not respond.

Ironman, I reread your last post.  I see you did delete.  Good boy.  You are on your way to a better tomorrow.  Get strong. Get well.  Respect yourself.  A healthy woman awaits you.  There are many out there.  I know this.  

Fiddlestix

Fiddle,

I just try and stay in the here and now.

The silent voicemail rippled my emerging stillness... .

But the waves will smooth themselves out.

NC helps in this regard.

Almost like a buffer.

Iron,

Another bow of grace to you.

Fiddle,

You got it going on.  Crisp.  On point.

in the meantime, when my resolve slackens or takes some time off, my mind wanders and wonders and i sense a bit of yearning for the new good ol times, forgetting so mumch that sucks and has gone haywire... .almost like someone who has given up cigerattes, and then prior to their relapse they find themselves thinking about lighting just one up.  when i catch myself in that mental act i look to rather quickly let go of that thought/imagery and replace it immeadiately.  but its been a bear.  And even a bigger bear for me to acknowledge i've been thinking of her intimacy and missing it when my chosen mantra is "good riddanz".

keep up the good work iron

Congrats Ironman, High Five!  I really like your quote, what a great way to see the contact as just a speck of dust flying by in the wind.

How's your support system? Friends family and/or therapy?

Seeker,

Good analogy.

I know exactly what you mean.

I too remember the good times... .

But then I remember all the missiles she fired only at me... .

Wave after of wave of them... .

Pinpointing all my weaknesses... .

It's what helps me not break NC.

Jolly,

Thank you.

That is how my exUBPDgf has been... .

Transitory.

Fleeting.

Green,

No support system besides this forum.

I cannot tell my parents... .

They are elderly and do not need the added stress of even trying to understand this.

My close friends after a while started to become invalidating towards me... .

Whether they did this intentionally or not... .

It hurts me further.

So I have kept them away.

They have attempted to reach out to me to ask how I am and what not...

I simply respond, "not good"... ."Trying to heal"... .

And leave it at that.

I no longer explain any of this to them.

No T.

I cannot afford it.

I have looked into free counseling and what not.

My artwork was my support first time I went through this.

That is no longer the case.

My drawing has been on indefinite leave of absence.

So that sort of leaves me as my own support.

I take it one day at a time.

I have stabilized my tumble through space to a degree... .

It is in a controlled free fall.

But not spinning wildly out of control.

A small victory nonetheless.

Good to hear.


The second time around was bad for me too!  The third time was really bad... .gets worse each time.  Hope and disappointment.

Baby steps... .doing small things each day.  Even if its just clipping your toenails 

Exactly.  Example, my previously regulated ADD became the proposed cause of our marriage difficulty.  She bought on a book on ADD and Marriage, which points out some of the negative impact of ADD upon a marriage.  Man, she blew those out of proportion i never wanted to see that back, thinking we'd be taking a team approach (LOL).  That was 2 years ago.  So i decided to reread the book. 1.  Most of the really bad things that go with ADD, really are not so bad with me or don't fit.  I'm very conscientious.  2.  Here is the kicker:  as i was reading the advice for couples, realized she did the EXACT OPPOSITE.

wave after wave, pinpointing my weaknesses and exploiting them.  ( i think it was so i wouldn't leave and grow further dependent upon her... .and i think it was not fully conscious... .but i dunno)

The point, is yours,,, remember these so as not to break NC.  And it's still a fricking challenge some days.  Think the energy is better redirected toward our own recovery, letting go, and learning core lessons.

Seeker,

In essence, yours projected onto you.

By saying that your ADD was the cause for the problems... .

Was basically her really saying

"My disorder is the problem but I cannot admit that to you for that will make me self exam and I will not like what I see so I have to find something "wrong" with you and pinthe blame on that. That way... .I accept no responsibility."

I can imagine how hurtful it must have been for you to be on the receiving end of that.

So awful.