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Can someone please enlighten why and how come the narcissist is no match for a borderline in head to head competition masquaraiding as a healthy mature relationship/marriage?

In need of reality check... .geuss the dirt, dust, and mud have become like a new home for me.

Background:

She not just BPD but also NPD combo, with high functioning exterior - Black Widow interior, ruthless yet can act compassionate, concerned, and violated.

Me:  well... .got some obvious Cluster B - symptomology of my own.  Seems to get worser, more activated the more contact with her or more dirty deeds encountered.

The Gist:  In review after after action, I realize going into relationship my own narcissistic tendencies tended to interact with her (unbeknownst to me) BPD (i had always associated BPD with low functioning... .so i was clueless for far, far, far too long).  Then the light came on... .and like a scene out of the movie "Misery", I was getting beat time and time again, when i was not being adored.  The realization of comorbidity with NPD, further reduces the prognosis of win-win; as zero-sum, all-or-nothing, stranglehold is in play.

Question:  What might be the particular hooks or set-ups; unique to the Narcissitic disposition like type ( for sake of argument 'me' , but please note i have a conscience, helper, rescuer-hero script )with BPD where the narcissitic is no match for the borderline, and butt continually gets kicked.

End Game:  What does that look like?  (just starting to look at myself in the mirror again)

Commentary:  What i hate most ... .is this victim like stance, learned helplessness type vortex from which i seemingly am unable to escape from or at least am stuck in. Wondering how did that happen, but realizing i need to take constructive action, on my own behalf, consistently.  Looking for key lessons to learn here in seeking liberation from my "vulnerabilites".  I've learned how to have stronger boundaries... .but so much else has been shaken to the core, a core which i previously considered to be quite well adjusted, strong, courageous like a lion transmutated into a mouse.

Need:  Pick myself up off the floor.  Any tips on how to go about changing my story from being a victim to a story of redemption.

Plan:  I will attempt to listen, allow feedback to accumulate... .and process.  Thank you all.

Hi SeekerofTruth!

Before I adress your questions in more detail, I would like to ask you if you are diagnosed with any cluster B disorders, or if that is something you believe is true about yourself?

In general terms there have been some suggestions in literature about BPD and NPD that actually as a combination there can turn up a dynamic that sort of, (in a dysfunctional way, but depending on where you are standing also can seem functional), makes such a r/s sustainable... .

One of the people I have seen writing about it is Sam Vaknin, (however a somewhat controversial writer, since he is not educated in psychology but something entirely different but claims to be a diagnosed NPD himself and writes about it). He has stated that a borderline person due to their unstable mind and problems in sustaining feelings becomes more of a challenge to a pw NPD, since those factors keep the narcissist in what he calls the hunting mode for longer periods of time. (My guess is what he calls the hunting mode is what here more often is referred to as the idealization phase... .). And through that the narcissistic party doesn't loose interest in the partner as fast... .

On the other hand the borderline party is less sensitive to the narcissists selfishness, since the borderline usually have a fair amount of that him or herself... .And as long as the borderline feels the narcissist is hunting for them, they feel validated... .

Now all of that is just theory here... .And there is no telling if there is any truth to this whatsoever!

So back to you! What are the problems you are having in your r/s?

What is it you feel you are loosing?

You write that you feel helplessness... .In what way?

And what would be the wished for redemption that you are seeking?

I know it takes a lot of courage to delve into this personal inventory when dealing with the dynamics of a relationship - so kudos to you for doing it! |iiii

Best wishes

Scout99

Scout

Quick reply before inventory (eeekkkk).

Me: well, ah... .very well educated.

My dx per treatment providers:  

Depression

ADD

I'm throwing in the cluster B like symptoms on my own as it pertains to me, but do not meet diagnostic criterion.  However, with the rewritting of current criteria of BPD... .seems like some of that instability of mood, very much a current dynamic, and i tend to have grandiose like narcisstic strivings with not much to show for it as of late.  :)on't mean to beat myself up... .but yup I'm a mess... .bound in a learned helplessness mode- like a dog in some psych experiment that's been shocked over and over again on the grid, that somehow finds itself unable to jump across the fence to the otherside and safety of the nonshocking grid... .if that makes sense.

Goal:  I'm just looking to uncouple the "hitch", let go, move on, and not repeat... .and quite frankly, feel desperate to the degree of lost self.  I can rationalize the reconstruction of self... .but there is a huge GAP from where i am now and where i seek to be in the future. Hope that makes sense.  Sorry, to other readers, i don't do spellcheck.

Hidden Agenda:  I think i might be asking "what's wrong with me"?

SeekerofTruth,

You are me and I am you.  There is not a single word in your post that I cannot relate to except I didn't get to the Phd precisely because of losing my narcissistic battles to my cluster B wife.  I realize the blame shifting flag in that statement, and admit that it may be true.

I just don't know anymore.

My story is here btw: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=209362.0

ask yourself this:  do you want to be happy or right?

There is no win with PD traits - yours or theirs - as such, building your own life that is happy, as Marsha Linehan says - A Life Worth Living -  is how you change the story.   :light:

Peace,

SB