BPDFamily.com

Hi there - I have read many of the messages posted and I have to say, it's eerie how closely they describe my relationship with my sister.  For the last 15 years she has not been active in our family.  Our mother has ALZ and our brother was her main care giver since he lived at home.  A few months ago, my brother and I moved our mother into a nursing home where she is thriving from the attention and activity.  My sister, who has only seen my mother once in the last 15 years, attacked my brother for the decision to move our mother to the care facility and the subsequent sale of the family home.  However, right before the house was sold, my brother unexpectedly passed away.  This has sent my sister soaring.  The weekend prior to his death, she was back on the war path attacking the two of us.  His last words re: her was "I'm done!" However, in my sister's twisted mind, she now says she was sending him nothing but love.  Since then, she has done nothing to help.  She waited weeks to sign needed legal forms re: my brother's estate, and has criticized me time and time again.  During my brother's memorial (where she did absolutely nothing to help financially or otherwise), she criticized me for not paying enough attention to her, after she showed up late, drunk, and disheveled.  I need her cooperation with one more form re: our mother's care.  However, I'm not sure I can take much more of her abuse without confronting the constant stream of unfounded accusations.  Does anyone have advice in dealing with situations like this?  She was diagnosed as a teenager, and now, as an adult alcoholic, it's only getting worse.  Any insight is greatly appreciated!  Thank you in advance.

Hi, Hopingtofindhelp &  *welcome*

I'm so sorry for all the pain you are going through; Alzheimer's and the death of your brother are enough trauma in and of themselves... .now having to deal with your BPD sister is more stress than anyone should have to deal with, besides. It really is awful. I'm sorry that this is what has brought you here, but so happy you have found us!

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0) board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

You say your sister was diagnosed with BPD many years ago; did she ever have any therapy? Is she married? Does she have kids? Just curious what the family dynamic is... .Please keep posting your story, and asking your questions; there are many members on this site that will know exactly what you are going through and will be able to give advice, insights and support. We are here for you 

It sounds to me as though your sister is now feeling guilt and cannot deal with it... .the only way she can tolerate the guilt is to convince herself that the situation was not as it actually was... .it's the only way she can "resolve" it in her mind and deal with the loss of her brother

Hi there - and thank you both for your replies.  I think you hit the nail on the head re: guilt. In fact, she admitted to feeling guilt re: my mother last night.  I had to call the nursing facility to warn them that my sister maybe reaching out them (she likes to call caregivers drunk at 3 AM!).  Both my brother and I have told her where our mother was placed ,but of course, she lost that information.

More background -my sister was diagnosed with BPD as a teenager (I think 15 or 16).  She is my older sister by five years. Our brother was the middle child. Our parents divorced after 20 years of being together.  During the divorce proceedings, my sister's psychological problems were first flagged but due to a lack financial resources, she did not start seeing a therapist until she decided to stop attending high school.  She was then tutored at home and went to college at 16 (she was extremely intelligent) after a short stint in a mental hospital.  She has never seen a therapist since.  She has been married for 16 years, luckily, there are no children involved.  Her husband is an enabler.  He is also an alcoholic.  She tried to commit suicide a few years ago.  Her husband destroyed all of our contact information following that attempt.  We only found out because she tried to call our mother on the one phone number she remembered. Thank goodness my brother intercepted the call because our mother would not have been able to understand what my sister did, and would only remember the emotional upset following their discussion. 

Yesterday, I told my sister that I try to not take her accusations to heart in order to have a working relationship with her.  She told me that I shouldn't take her attacks personally (she's on kick that I was not supportive enough to my mother or brother when neither is the case).  I said I do take accusations that I was not there for two family members personally and I trust that she can understand why.  This exchange prompted her admission to feeling guilty.  I have been seeing a therapist for three years now, dealing with my mother's illness, my father's and now brother's death, and the toxic relationship I have with my sister.  He always recommends that I stand my ground (my usual reaction was to just take her abuse and not fight back).  I wonder if anyone has had success in establishing boundaries with their BPD relatives? 

 

Hopingtofindhelp: Ask, and ye shall receive 

Boundaries Tools of Respect (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm)

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries)

 

BOUNDARIES: Case studies  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0)

These links can answer your questions about boundaries, and give you some good tools and techniques to make them work for you. When you head on over to the Healing from a Relationship Board, make sure you read the pinned threads at the top of that page (I gave the link in my last post): Lessons and Suggested Reading; you will find a wealth of information there, besides on the threads written by other members. When you are ready to post on that Board, the advice and insights given by the senior members there to your specific questions will be very helpful, also.

I am really sorry for your sister's troubles; sounds like she's had a difficult life. And dealing with all of that must've been really stressful and difficult for you, too! I'm sorry that she isn't seeing a therapist; some sufferers of BPD do find therapy and treatment helpful. It does sound like she's got an awareness of her symptoms and behaviors, at least intermittently... .So glad you are seeing a therapist of your own; what a lifesaver! At least you have that to help you through this trying time... .And you have us, too