BPDFamily.com

Hi!

I have just known I failed my second exam (out of three) of the specialization for a job I’m doing. I was shocked to pass the first one, as I was in the middle of a bad crisis after discovering about BPD and how my perceptions and feelings about everything are a mess right now. I am happy enough with the results –passing the first one-but I can’t help feeling down, I wish I could know which part of the failure was due to this crisis I’m dealing with and what part is due to a low capacity.

I’m living (only for a month) back at my parent’s home. My mother asked me if I already knew my mark of the exam –as they were about to be published- and I answered yes, that I failed the exam. Her first reaction after it was:” why didn’t you share it with me before? Did your father know already? How long it's been since you know it?"

I don’t know if it’s me, because I admit I am very sensitive to everything she says at the moment and I work hard everyday living with her not to overthink about everything she says, but I just didn’t like those questions only caring about why I didn't tell her inmediately. Of course she asks them with a innocent tone of voice.

Well, this time it was better than the time I passed the exam, she said: “you better start studying for the following one” and then when into her room, closed the door with (I don’t know the word in English…this thing you can’t open from outside) and stayed there for hours, then said she was feeling down that day and later denied she reacted that way. I think she prefers my failure than my success, although she worries about being embarrassed about my marks at the same time.

Luckily I’m moving out soon and also have a short trip planned, I advanced a lot in the recovery but still have so much work, but with this exam I couldn’t take the time I need to think about my past, I feel so behind in my recovery, would love to work in my core values, go to therapy, learn about dissociation…and now I have to start studying for my following exam. Studying at the high level I require is incompatible to doing all this things for my mental health, it’s so frustrating. When I enter here I realize how much I need it but then think it’s a loss of time when I have so many other things to do. I was wondering, do you make some kind of organization for working in this issues or you just work on them when you feel it’s right?

Just sharing, I guess I’m a bit sad after all the effort of the exam for nothing. Thanks for listening and sharing your stories. It means a lot.

Hi January86,

Sorry about your exam and sadness.  It was a really poignant share for me.  When you wrote:  "I think she prefers my failure than my success, although she worries about being embarrassed about my marks at the same time."  Oh, I can relate to that.  My mother is an uBPD.  And borderlines are driven by a voracious fear of abandonment.  I think it is very common for many adult children of borderlines to end up dependent on their BPD parent.  As an adult, I moved back in with her, made bad financial decisions, etc.  And much of it was because deep down I was trained to not leave her, to not be independent.  My mother didn't want me to fail, she was a narcissist who wanted to brag about my achievements to the neighbors and take credit for pushing me to do well in school.  But success, independence, healthy interdependence with others would have allowed me to leave her.  Now, healthy parents want that for their children.  And they are able when the child becomes a mature and successful adult to forge a mature adult relationship with their grown-up children.  But my uBPD and I suspect many borderlines can't envision that. 

It doesn't surprise me that your mother might have been more off-put by your result on the first exam than by your result on the second.  My recommendation is to see if while preparing for the next exam you might pursue therapy, as well.  The two need not be exclusive of each other.  Working with a therapist who understands BPD and the dynamics in which a BPD parent seeks to undermine their children's independence and success might actually help you in your preparation for the next exam. After all, the more financially independent and professionally independent we become, the less dependent we are on the BPD.  And that is something that the BPD parent is at best ambivalent towards, at worst destructive of.  We internalize the BPD parent and often sabotage our own success.  Working with a therapist as you prepare for the exam might maximize your studying  and its effectiveness more than you think.

Best,

Calsun