BPDFamily.com

These boards are so helpful. Please advise me on next steps

I recently posted:

Do they know what they are losing or am I just kidding myself?

Since then I've had a meeting with my husband which went badly wrong. Too emotional on my side, not in control of the situation. He got very angry with me in turns with wanting to hold me tight.  After he left and I stopped feeling sorry for myself I started to realise that he was showing serious signs of a nervous breakdown. He was saying very odd things and I remember his eyes were empty and disconnected. I've never seen that before.

Recent redundancy, over work in a new job, travelling long distances, commuting, lack of exercise, recent redundancy - I suspect all these have contributed incrementally.

I love my husband deeply. I know we have developed an unhealthy relationship over the last 30 years. I really don't know if there is anything to salvage now but I am worried about him.  I called his mum since she hasn't heard about the separation and explained what was happening. Discussing his behaviour with her she came to the same conclusion with me that he was suffering from depression.  I explained I didn't think I could do anything to help as I was the bad guy. I told her that he was keen to sell the house and move into his own little place in the country. She was quite against selling us our family home so quickly, which is what he wants so he can take his share.

And now I'm beginning to see that my agreeing so early on to do this radical step is just allowing him to take control of the situation. I don't want to move. I love our place. And I feel I should hang on in there longer while things pan out.

Originally we agreed to both see a counsellor to work things through - he's wriggled out of that and we are now just looking at financial separation. I think I've let him take control again.

I believe we need more than couples counselling - it's so light touch. something more robust is called for.

I'm seeing him on Monday when he comes to sort out more of his stuff (boxes and boxes of research dating back 30 years) and tidy up the house (ready for resale). 

Please advise on how I handle this meeting. I can be strong if I know what to do. When I get confused I react instinctively. 

Hi tomanytears

Leaving such a long marriage is really hard and never easy... .for any of us, mental ill or not. 

What about a certain time separated?


What are you thinking about?

Beside my question: Couple counseling is often very difficult, can make things worse. We usually recommend it here only after single counseling for both.

What about going to a T yourself?

Do you know the LESSONS on Staying especially the Communication tools?

Tools for communication, validation, and reinforcement of good behavior (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0).