BPDFamily.com

Just last week I was asking why haven't I been contacted and now it's happened

I get a message from my ex that says do you have such and such song... .(I'm a dj)

That's it! Like really? After months of no contact and hurt she has the audacity to send me a casual message like that without a thought? It was deleted strait away no reply and her number isn't saved. This disorder sucks looks like I'm worth nothing more than a jukebox to her.

Snap,

She is testing to see your reaction to her.

She will most likely attempt another contact with you again.

This time it will be more direct... .

To get a reaction out if you.

That reaction they seek... .

Is to get a foot back in the door of your walls.


Stay NC.

Its just so messed up. Just no respect for me at all

I know how you feel.

It hurts.

Only thing you can do is stay NC.

Otherwise... .You will encounter far more disrespect and hurt from her.

She will amp up the amount of abuse on you.

After my second go around... .

The amount of hurt I experienced... .

If I allowed a third time... .

She would hurt me even more.

I cannot go through that again.

Yeah Snap, her question was a way to resume contact. She doesn't care about a song you might have -- come on, we're in the digital age and she could easily find it on her own.

I know because I did this with my uBPDex when I was fishing for contact 10 days after our hellacious b/u. I asked him if I left an item at his house. Part of me really did want the item (which I later found among my things), but I was also checking where he was in our b/u, if maybe I had given him enough space to return to me or at least not be so angry, which is how we parted.

He was still angry. And he told me to eff-off and never contact him again. We are two months NC. Better for both of us, but I miss him.

It's good you deleted the message and are keeping NC. But don't think that her message means you are just a jukebox to her. She's trying to reach you for reasons beyond that. And they are very likely selfish reasons that are about some emotional need she has right now.

Snap  . You are more than just a jukebox.

I know this is hard - it will get easier - its going to help if you try not to mind read her thoughts on you.  It takes some reframing of thoughts.

My take she knows what interests you and for various reasons can't approach you on the level - so to speak.  The easier and safer way is to approach you with these carrots. 

Not saying it isn't inappropriate or childish - it is - its how someone who's not real mature tries to smooth something they did over... .Brushing it under the rug.

It's not personal... .though feels like it. 

There's one of the 10 beliefs that keep is stuck is the Belief they feel the same way you do - this goes for thinking too.  Someone who behaves like this obviously doesn't think or feel the same way.  Their thinking/feeling is drastically different.

Have you had a chance to read the 10 Beliefs from the lessons?

Thanks everyone

I've read the beliefs mango I guess I just need to reprocess them. I guess the reality is hitting now she really is messed up there is no doubting anymore. I wish she knew what she put people through... .In her moments of clarity she does but her solution is always to run and start over expecting a different result with the same actions... .That's insanity right there!

That.

In bold.

That clarity will only last in x period of time.

That clarity is to get back within your walls... .

And once she is triggered x amount of time later... .

Will promptly disappear again.

My exUBPDgf showed that same clarity when she returned that second time.

It disappeared completely the day she was triggered into devaluation.

Like all her words of "sorry"... .

"I want my man back"... .

"I am so grateful I have you back in my life"... .

"I won't hurt you like I did that first time"... .

All gone.

The question you should be asking yourself is: What are you worth to you and why do you need to matter to a mentally ill person?

It's a tough question but one worth answering for yourself.

I agree with everyone that you ex is fishing to see if the hooks are still in. Be prepared for more contact as she comes up with more creative ways to "reach out" to you.

Spell

As bad as it sounds although I still struggle with my self worth I actually feel better about myself knowing I resisted the urge thus far to contact her. Guess its progress :)

aargh GreenMango! this is so true but also one of the hardest things to accept.

it's hurtful to know that any time my ex reaches out to me is only b/c she just broke up with her latest victim and wants emotional comfort. i knew this game though even before i knew about BPD.

Snapp,

Yes, I'm all too familiar with the casual "as though you were just in the middle of a conversation" text. Sorry you had to deal with that today. And it really does help to remember each time, that this is a product of the illness. I see you did a good job deleting the text and number. So, I just want to say - good on you. You stuck to your guns and didn't give in. Just keep at it.

-deretour