BPDFamily.com

I am posting here because I am part venting and part looking for a reality check where a voice in the wilderness says yep, that is how it is.

Some background. I married my diagnosed BPD wife on 12/12/12. We had troubles before that (me being kicked out of the house a number of times). The eternal optimist in myself said things will improve once we are married as most the fights were about us getting married - or so it seemed.

We got married and then my found a new set of problemd tonfight about.  And I was still being asked to leave multiple times after we got married.  There were 3 minor children living with us. D14, S13 and D10.

Roll the clock forward.  I am filing for divorce. Not only was there verbal fighting, my wife was getting increasingly physically abusive towards me. I endured slapping, scratching and hitting.  Never mind the accusations. I was accused of being with other women (in my wildest fantasy I don't think I could be with as many women as I was accused of being with).  I was accused of molesting her children.  I was really getting concerned when on two occasions, she took out a kitchen knife and said how depressed she was and wanted to kill herself. Based on her being physically abusive, I was starting to fear physical harm with her using a knife on me.  Her control of her anger and emotions is just not there.

I had another home available to live in, so we are not living together as I move forward with the divorce.  I am going to her apartment to pick-up the remaining items I have. She will not be there, but the children will be to say our good byes.

As part of our e-mail exchange to coordinate this, she said a number of things such as the following.  She says she has come to the conclusion I am going through a mi-life crisis.  I want a certain something and she doesn't have any idea what that would be. She says I know how important it is for the children to have stability.  D10 does not need to see a man come in and out of D10's life and my wife's.    Also, S13 is seeing how I and my wife interact with each other, and we haven't been a good example.  My wife indicates she wants stability in her life.  She is trying to figure out what I want.

I have lost count of how many times I have been asked to move out. But yet, my wife wants stability.  Is this level of disconnect for a BPD person is normal?  There is no mention of the physical abuse.  In my wife's mind does she think that is part of a healthy relationship.  In conclusion she indicates she needs a commitment from me that I am not willing to share.  I guess that commitment is for me to tolerate what should not be tolerated.

The question I pose is this.  Her level of denial is unbelievable. From reading on BPD family, it appears this is normal. But still, to experience it first hand, it boggles the mind.  Please give me some feedback.

ABB

Hi ABB

What a difficult live you are going through! 

Good you could establish boundaries against her physical violence.

As for your question: My experience is that some people are in such a denial and see the reality such different than me - I will never totally get it. So I can relate with your question and understand your confusion.

Are your questioning sometimes your own perception?

Yes, I sometimes do question my perception.  I ask myself, "am I missing something here?"  Then I replay the conversations and interactions I have had with my wife and others to reel me back to reality.  I remember her packing up my possessions and giving me her BPD self-help books back with an inscription saying the books will be helpful to me.  Her adult daughter saying her mother is a nut case and to get as far from her mother as possible.  The T who diagnosed my wife with BPD saying the woman has no business being in a relationship. The T also saying my wife doesn't know what stability looks like.  The T telling me the physical abuse will escalate (it has).  Her adult son telling her she is crazy and him not wanting to talk to her ever again.  Me calling the police at night and having them escort her off my property because she is yelling at me inside the home that I have a woman inside and she was going to throw a brick through the window.  My wife drinking and having no recollection of events.  My wife's D10 telling me in private her Mom was always fights with her ex-husband.

I moved out a week and a half ago. I have peace and quiet again in my life. There is loneliness, no doubt. I miss the kids.  I do miss the days where my wife was regulated and we had a good time and I dare say normal interaction.

ABB

Hi ABB

Sounds like quite a list, so you are not alone with your perception.

Its also okay to miss the other part of her. Its important to keep in mind that she has both sides, and being in a closer rs all the difficult things are coming up.

I am sort of familiar with it. My ex h has also 2 very different sides.