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I need to post this and share. Perhaps someone has experienced something similar.

As I've shared in more recent posts, it's week 7 since breakup. My ex has continued to text, call, and mail letters, even waiting at my building - mostly letting me know how she's losing her mind without me and would do anything to take it all back, etc. I've maintained NC, but admittedly, I've read all of her messages. And, all of us know how good our BPD exes are at pulling at those heartstrings, whether they mean to or not.

First thing this morning, I woke up to more texts, including: "Please... .just let me drop something off, then I'll be out of your hair for good." That was it. I decided it was time to change my number. Hands shaking, I picked up my phone and called up my provider and did it.

I cut the cord. I did it as quickly as I could. Inside I could feel her screaming and pleading. The emotions were so strong I couldn't focus on any of my studies, so I left the cafe and decided to walk. Five miles of walking, and all kinds of strong emotions have surfaced. Guilt, shame and deep sorrow. Then, as the sun began to set and couples began to show up... .anger. Oh, I was searing-hot angry on the inside ("why don't I have someone by my side?", haha). I continued to walk, observing the emotions as they've come up.

I got home, ready to eat my (by that time, cool) sandwich and, there in front of my door was a book with an envelope inside. My heart sank. I told myself that if I received another letter/package from her, I'd return it. But there it was. I knew I couldn't not open or look at anything. The book: a selected poetry book of Pablo Neruda (special to us). The envelope: a 4-page handwritten letter (highly emotional, of course), a Polaroid shot from a roadtrip we took together, and... .a hand-drawn picture from her (sorry, this one makes me cry as I type) 6-year old niece. Tonight, I've been crying almost nonstop.

I posted a thread yesterday on healing. I had to remind myself of one of those things. Yes, I do still care for her. No, I will never take her back. I have cut the cord.

-deretour

DeRetour,

A big hug to you  .  I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.  I can only imagine how difficult it is to stay strong with all the emotional and nostalgic communication coming your way, I know I'd be struggling mightily.

You are doing phenomenally.  I'm glad you were able to feel the waves of emotions that came up on your walk, without being completely overwhelmed.  That is the gold mine that propels us forward in our healing.  I remember taking walks and crying and hurting so badly, too.  There is no way around it, only through.

Of course you care for her, she is in your heart and there is nothing wrong with that.  I feel love for my pwBPD, and I don't want a relationship with him.  The two are not mutually exclusive, in my opinion.

You've take a big step changing your number.  I know it hurts.  We're here for you.  

DeRetour



You are a very nice, emotional available guy with a lot of empathy. She knows this, perhaps even unconsciousness. This is not a real gift. 

Its okay to cry about it.

Perhaps you need another walk afterwards.

I can identify with this.  And then I get mad at myself for all the recycles where that time spent could have be time for myself.  Perhaps time spent with someone else. 

When I hear him spew all this nice words I can only think about all the nasty mean stuff and it makes me mad that he still continues to think he can keep the relationship going the way it has. 

DeRetour you are very strong good on you to sticking to what you think is best. The fact you also realise its in both of your best interests to no longer have contact makes you a very good human being. Please don't feel guilty If one day she decides to get help for her disorder you would have done her a huge favour by not enabling her.

Thats how I'm also trying to look at it :)

That is awesome, nice work.

Cutting the cord as soon as possible is the best thing for you to do. It hurts like hell to do that to someone you love but is there any point in being there for someone who could so easily set you aside? All the contact you get from the BPD is always about them, to make them feel better about themselves at your expense.

In those moments where I feel guilty or sad I just have to remind myself that I was the one who got left, I have no obligation to try and be there for her. It also helps to remember the person I was before I got involved in the r/s with the BPD, I was a pretty happy dude. It takes time, but there is a whole world out there that I used to love, closed myself off to while with my ex, and am rediscovering again.

Congrats to you for cutting ties after seven weeks, just keep moving on.

Cheers!

In bold.

That brought tears to my eyes.

I can imagine how hard all of that must have been.

We are here for you.

Ah. Thank you for reading and giving your support. My god I don't know what I'd do without you guys... .

Eeyore,


So sorry you’ve been through this kind of anger. It really doesn’t feel good. Yesterday, I did my best to let myself just feel it and continue walking. There must be some kind of balance of feeling the anger while moving towards wholeness.

Heartandwhole,


This is helpful to read. I’m doing my best to keep this in mind.

Thank you for the so-needed hug.

-deretour.

Surnia,


Yes, in fact I’ll be taking plenty of walks. Walking seems to help a lot with processing these things. I second your recommendation. It's good to get outside and move around. Good idea, Surnia.

Snap,


Thanks. I gotta remember this. Because honestly I feel like I’ve done something pretty awful. But no, this is exactly what needs to be done. I so badly want my ex to somehow see the light and get some help. Thanks for reminding me of that. And you continue doing the same, focusing on your own recovery. Keep at it.

Trick,


You know, I have a hard time remembering all the sh!tty things my ex did as my girlfriend. I know she didn’t do them to truly hurt me. I know she’s basically a scared little girl inside. It’s the illness. Growing up, for as long as I remember, I’ve been sucked in to pity/rescue cycles. I’ve accumulated plenty of guilt, sorrow, and resentment. It’s time to focus on myself. Charity will continue to be important, but it will be much more rewarding with better boundaries.


Thanks. And you continue working on yourself as well. Thanks for reaching out and being supportive, Trick.

Ironman,

Thanks again for reading my posts, empathizing and being here. It means a lot. I'll be here to listen and help along the way as well. Enjoy your Sunday.

Thank you all.

Man, that is rough stuff, but you are doing fantastic.  Your actions show great strength and determination.  We have to learn to put ourselves first, do we not?  I can relate to the red hot anger, and I can relate to the well of tears.  Time does heal wounds, along with working on me.  I know it hurts, but the pain will lessen over time.  And this is not the end of the world, although it may feel like it at times.  Also, as much as you care for her and what she is experiencing, she will be ok, too.  Much peace to you in your sadness.    

DeRetour, I am about the same amount of time of NC.  But it's just the latest/longest we've gone.   My ex is not trying to contact other than a sharing of pictures/timeline events relating to our relationship in August before I had totally blocked her out on FB. 

Maintain NC. From all I've read and be advised it usually works best for most people.