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I'm leaving. Again. Too many wounds from this failed BPD-ish relationship so I am detaching. Again. Been here before but it's different now. My eyes have really opened wide. Almost got married this time, but there's something in her that when she gets too close to someone she freaks out on them and runs away. The closer you are, the worse it is. I stayed because I love her, thought I could be someone in her life she could count on, that the good stuff would outweigh the bad if we just saw things through. The lack of respect and honesty coming from her, the pains, the communication that just wasn't there, and too much time spent breaking up and recycling, got me to walk away. Again.

I knew years ago that this most likely wasn't going to work out for us, from the patterns, but still kept trying. Saw a T, worked hard on my own baggage, stood up taller as a better person. I was as open, real, caring, kind, and friendly as I could be, and it still ends up she's gone and says it's my fault we're not together. That's her version, I know my own truths. The plans and promises are fading, what's left is Now, Today.

To anyone out there asking themselves what else could you have done, what else could you have said... .The thing to do is be your best self. No matter who you're with. Don't give in on that, don't warp yourself into shapes that don't make sense to you and restrict your true movements. Let's focus on our own growth and healing, and find peace. 

Myself,  .

I am so proud of you & happy for you.  I know it's a weird time to say the latter.  But I am happy for you because, I hope, you will not have to wonder "what if."  You tried, with all you know, you gave it a full, complete effort with integrity and open eyes.  To me, as you know, the "what ifs" are tormenting.  I hope this most recent chapter in your journey will mean you are spared the "what ifs."

I am sorry for her, that she cannot find a way to stay with such a loving, brave person.  I'm sure under the surface she also knows that, and that will drive additional dysfunction.  The fact that it's sad that she can't trust and stay doesn't make it any less true, though.

I am sure unexpected turns in the road before you, turns you cannot see or even imagine today, will make it so that looking back, you are very glad you made this choice.

With great respect,

P&C

Myself,

I'm sorry that you are in this place again, but I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself.  I have no doubt that you gave this relationship your all.  I did the same, and the heartbreaking thing is that loving our partners doesn't conquer the disorder. If it did, none of us would be here.   

You say this time is different, and I believe you.  I've noticed something in your recent posts that feels new somehow.  You are brave, loving, and strong, and like P&C said, you will have the peace of knowing that you did your very best to make it work.

I'm proud of you for seeing that your happiness and wellbeing are important and deserve to be your priority.

We are all with you.

 

myself,

thank you for posting this reminder.  i am about six months out and i still ask myself these questions.  it sounds like you have been through a lot.  you sound like a very strong person.  i am hoping to learn something from your experience.    

myself



turtle

Those are lovely thoughts,extremely relevant too.

Thank you for sharing them,made my day  :)

Wow, that gave me chills, and I agree with you 100%.  I know from what I've read of your story that you've tried as hard as anyone to make it work.  I feel for you, I really do.  You are a good man.  The Universe will provide for you.  Just be true to yourself first, like you said, and be patient.  Your ex will be ok, one way or the other.  They have learned to be survivors, and we will survive.   

Phoenix

Thanks for the replies, they really do mean a lot to me.

I want to say (again) that it's the open honest communication that, when lacking, keeps people stuck the most, and makes things worse. Even when we're just talking with ourselves. When you get the chance to speak with your partner, therapist, friends, whoever--- Be Real. Get in there and expose those dark spots to the light. Do not be afraid to speak up for yourself and the truth as you see it. Not to be selfish about it, but look at life for what you can Gain, not what will be lost. We're constantly shedding yesterdays and finding new tomorrows. Our opinions of ourselves do matter!

The final straw for me was when I asked her direct questions (for the thousandth time) about where we'd been, where we are now, and where we were heading, emotionally, realistically, in all ways, and she could not find it in herself to answer. She chose silence and running away instead. That will never add up to a healthy relationship. There are just too many walls between us like that, and distance, so I've had to turn away. It didn't change how much I care for her, but it did change my perspective on what my options are. I DID give this my all. There's nothing left for me to do, especially when the other half of the relationship keeps vanishing. I can really only patch my own leaks. Fully grow into Myself.

Myself, My guess is that she doesn't know how to answer your questions, but I am with you in that I would not be happy in a relationship where most attempts at rational discussions about our relationship were pushed under the rug.  My psyche and soul require more than that.

For sure. I sympathised, and told her I felt that way at times, too. Have shown that she can trust me with her secrets and her friendship. We could find a way through this together if she would just (be able to) try. Those moments when the patterns could change, when the breakthroughs could occur, and they don't, because the disordered thinking leads to actions that preclude that, eliminate shared growth for those involved.

I didn't walk away at the time (I'm doing so now, with emphasis on detaching). I stepped right up to her. I wanted it to work. I asked questions and expressed myself, trying to help us have a stronger more loving connection. I needed to know where we stood and if we could count on each other. Without actual communication there is no 'us'.  

In bold.

That one word.

Says everything.

I am so sorry.

We are here for you.

I'm ejecting also.  But afraid of the free fall and landing.  Doing ok but still a bit afraid.  Can we hold hands?  I promise not to let go until it's safe. 

BTW, this is my new mantra:



 to those ejecting.  I think if we all support one another here, we can help make a parachute.

I was thinking of when a bunch of skydivers make a beautiful formation.  It takes everyone working together.  I think it looks so beautiful.  But I wouldn't skydive in real life.  Not my thing.  

Thank you for the insights and best wishes to you, myself. 

Bananas - your quote from Myself's post will be my mantra too. I'm ejecting but am finding it really hard to throw myself out of the airplane. I keep looking out and scurrying back inside. It's so hard.

Let's stick together on this board.

I too am ejecting... .and am currently in the darkest place in my mind that I have ever been...

Can I join in on the parachute?

Hi myself... .

I too am so proud of you for taking such an honest assessment of what is happening with you, her, and your relationship.  You were very brave to accept her back into your life even knowing what you knew and you are very strong and in touch with your authentic self by recognizing what you deserve if you were to move forward with her.

As you know, there is a chance that she is doing what she always does, when things get to 'scary' for her, she backs off.  Later she will likely have her lucid moments and you will once again be tested.  Then it is up to you to decide. Again.

I do know that going into my last round with my Ex, having armchair Dx'ed him based on history and what I observed, I felt like perhaps I could change the outcome.  The hard truth is that even if he hadn't have presented right away with deal breakers, its such a tough path to take.  This is where we simply need to have complete confidence in ourselves because our Ex's have made it very difficult to have confidence in them.

I know that although my last breakup was difficult, because of the attachment and 'love' yes, and the different circumstances for me, I do feel I've been able to approach the breakup a lot more scientifically and I guess in a more detached manner than the first couple of breakups.  I don't think it is all because I'd become a pro at how to handle a breakup either.  I think it was because each time I went in, I tried harder (i.e. made fewer relationship mistakes) and it didn't matter.  So I have zero regrets. Zero.  No what if's.  And more proof it wasn't "me".  Which is bad to say but I don't think anyone likes to have to walk away from someone that could have been the love of their life knowing or believing that they messed it all up.

I will say that this might be one of the very few positive things about our recycling dance with them.  After a while, it is easier to see the dysfunction and disorder in action, and it is also easier to let go with fewer regrets because we know we did all we could do, and the story played out the way our partners needed it to.  Someone will always walk away, and that is the ending they anticipate and dread and also the ending they are compelled to make happen.

Regardless, our hearts do break everytime we have to say goodbye.  I hope you are doing well and taking very good care of yourself right now.    

PS: LOL... I see half my post was bolded! Argh. Sorry but I don't know how to change that