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Why is it when you are in the middle of crazy ( and you know you are) you get mad, sad, stressed and just plain what to give up but then after the heat settles you feel bad? What do I have to feel bad about- why does the finger point at me like it is all my fault and why do I care? I feel stuck in guilt and really just want to be mad. Is that wrong? I tell you it total sucks having to have a UBPM as a mother... .and a father who does all that she wants. And I am 43 years old - and still feel like a child... .

Hi Enoughforme

I am a decade older than you and I still feel like a child!   I have thought it could be to do with the fact that they are so clingy ... .the enmeshing, you have never really been able to shake them off and fully develop your own sense of self.

And the guilt - yes it is hard to deal with even though rationally we know none of it is of our making, we are the mere pawns.  As you mention "when the heat settles", I too feel guilty when she suddenly snaps out of one of her episodes and is all sweetness and light - I cannot snap out so quickly and am often a mixture of resentment, confusion, frostiness, bit of relief.  She acts like nothing has happened and is probably wondering what is wrong with me.

Yes it sure sucks ... .

Zone out 

Hi Enough,

We all have those moments where we say or do something that we regret later--that's human. At the same time, as people who grew up with BPD parents, we were conditioned to be accountable and take responsibility... .sometimes for things we didn't have any control over.

It's ok to be mad. It's ok to be seeing-red-so-angry-you-need-to-let-it-out mad. That happens. If you find yourself doing things that you might regret later, is there some healthier way that you can relieve stress and frustration? Sometimes I'll go for a walk or do something to distract myself until I calm down. Deep breathing helps too.

It does suck having a uBPD mother, I know. The good thing is that as an adult, she cannot control you.