BPDFamily.com

Hi Guys,

I'm into another grueling semester of law school, working in a criminal defense clinic, trying to keep up with an enormous workload, applying and interviewing for legal jobs, working as a legal research representative, and pulling a full weekend with the children.  I'm finding that it is really difficult to do this without family nearby to act as a support group, and really struggle to keep up with everything I need to get done for the week since assignments are made with the expectation that you have your weekends to finish them.  For obvious reasons, my ex-wife (who filed a petition for full custody, and I ended up with more custody when she argued that it wasn't fair that she have more custody after filing this) only makes things more difficult.  What in the world do I need to do to get through this?  With zero time to de-compress, I feel like I am being run ragged.  I either sacrifice my ability to do something with my degree, or fall apart on the kids by trying to keep up with everything and not spending enough time preparing for the weekend.  I'm in a pickle, and of course, there is no way that she will allow the kids to go anywhere near their grandparents (which would probably be the best option in this situation) who are on the west coast while we are on the east coast for my education. 

Sounds tough. It sounds like law school is a lot. How much longer do you have?

How old are the kids?  And how are they doing?

One option, if they're not super-young, is to look for ways to get them to help just a little - maybe doing dishes, or picking up their rooms, or taking out the trash.

Mine started cooking at 8 and 10, and by 12 or so they were able to completely fix dinner - not just frozen dinners but real meals - and do the dishes afterward.  I assigned them each one weekend evening - they got to choose what to fix and help me shop.  Probably doesn't save a lot of time, but it combines "time with kids" and "time to fix dinner" - I'm not in the kitchen fixing dinner while they're both somewhere else.  I usually helped when they were younger, but now (15 and 16) I don't need to help at all.

Same for other stuff - even if you do it together - stuff like laundry - you're spending time with them while getting stuff done too.  They won't view it as "work", if your attitude is positive, they can see it as a growing-up thing, and a doing-stuff-with-dad thing (at least for a while).

Is there anything that's taking lots of your time, but isn't on your essential list - work, school, kids, health?  Anything that's just pure time-wasting?

"preparing for the weekend" - what does that mean?  Can you quit doing that - put your non-kid days entirely into work and school - and when the kids are with you, focus as much as possible on them?

I do quite a bit of work in the living room, with the kids, watching TV - I'm kinda present for them but also kinda-productive.  Not ideal but it's kinda multi-tasking.  Kinda.

I'm in a similar boat.

Full-time job. Sole custody of S12. No family nearby. Halfway through a phd program. I have high expectations for myself, being able to provide a normal childhood for S12, and that adds additional stress. Also being in debt from 3 years of high-conflict custody battles didn't exactly help.

Hardest thing I learned: You have to tell people what is on your plate and negotiate favors every step of the way. By telling people, I don't mean begging, or asking permission, or whining. I mean, ":)r. Professor, I am a single parent working full-time. I am more driven to do well in this program than you can imagine. Are their options for me to hand in this paper on XYZ date instead of ABC?"

Don't stop looking for solutions -- ask everyone what you can do to keep your kids engaged with activities so you can get your work done. Someone will have an idea you hadn't thought of.

Most nons don't seem to be good at asking for help, and don't like to ask for favors. If you're that way, you need to get over that. Also, I suggest that you explain to your kids what's going on. They tend to take things like this personally, even if they don't say so. "Guys, I want us to have a good life, and I'm working hard on my education so we can eventually live in a nice place and take vacations and do fun things. That means I have to do lots of studying. I can't always spend time doing stuff with you like I want to. What do you think we can do to make sure we do fun things on Saturdays so you guys have fun, but I have time to study? How can we all do this together?"

I don't know. That sounds a bit corny, but that's the gist of what I've said to S12. He is now preferring time with his friends, which makes it a bit easier.

This is probably the hardest time of your life, and the truth is that there isn't much you can do to make it easier when you have this level of responsibility and expectation on you. Be really, really careful that the stress doesn't take you down. Eat healthy -- that goes a long way. Make sure you don't do too many all-nighters, and exercise if you can. And watch out for depression! Look for signs and go see someone if it starts to show up.

Most "nons" (people who don't have BPD but have been in relationships with someone who does have BPD) and most men.

They are 4 and 2.  And one more year here at law school.  By prep time, I mean that I work on school/work/job-search/trial-prep all week, and when Friday comes I spend some time making sure that everything is in order for the weekend (meals are ready to go, any activities that I hear about during the week are marked down, and the place isn't a disaster--which now that I finally have resources again also means fixing up this student apartment so that it feels like a home).  I find that when I don't prep for them, I am really hurting, so I can't really cut this out.  

It's true that I'm used to helping and not taking, so it is sometimes hard to reach out.  But overall, the problem I have seems to be that the mom circle is great for moms, but not really a network for single dads.  And the guys I know offer a lot of support in getting me out during the week to play basketball and work out in the mornings, but they are generally clueless about what it means to be a full-time caretaker with no outlet so there isn't a lot of support or understanding on that front.  I know a divorcing dad through a meetup group I joined--kind of a depressing guy.  And met a single woman my age that was helpful, but ended up wanting more from the relationship.  So in short: wives of friends are generally there for other moms;  married guys are upbeat and have kids that my kids can hang out with, but clueless about my situation and, thus, hard to depend on;  divorcing dad offers some understanding, but is depressing;  single woman I met was very helpful, but had an agenda.  

When I can't get the kids out to a family activity through the church that I joined, organizations, or friends, it seems nearly impossible to get any studying done with them here in the apartment.  In the apartment I will sit one down to color (for example), and then the other one will go off and make a mess/get into trouble, I'll turn around and the other one will be coloring on the wall.  I think that they are in the 24 hour attention stage right now and I'm starting to wonder if I need to insist on a temporary custody arrangement that gives me less time with the kids right now, but a better opportunity to be there for them in the future.  That's the patchwork of support I have put together and dilemma explained in a nutshell.  

Temporary orders tend to become permanent orders. And permanent orders are really hard and expensive to change. You'll lose a really important advantage if you give up now.

I'm guessing you are strapped for cash, so hiring a high school student or college freshman to care for your kids while you study is not an option? Another possibility: check this database to find out if there is a local parenting magazine in your area. They're usually free, you'll see them outside supermarkets. www.parentmedia.org/Members-Guide/

They tend to have excellent resources and directories, and will know if there are dad groups in your area. Keep chipping away at this -- and ask for help through your church. Maybe someone can take the kids for 4 hours on Sunday after church while you study.

This is just my opinion from my own experience as a single mom going on 2 years and with a load on my plate like you wouldn't believe which includes f/t school and care of my elderly mom as well as a 2 and 14 year olds, this time with your kids is precious what ever else you have to squeeze keep them first and foremost in the pic. It is tough, but your almost there with only one year to go there is light at the end of the tunnel. That time will go by real quick. Take care of yourself as best with sleep, exercise and so on knowing that you need all the ability to manage what you have before you. Ask at your church if there is someone that can help, even a few hours in the day can make a big difference, perhaps ask to place an add if they have a bulletin board, most churches do. Kids that age need a fairly structured schedule or they will get into mischief which is normal. I work towards getting my little guy out early to park or play area anywhere where he can burn off some energy then hes more calm at home so I can get some work done. Lots of teens or young college students are willing to do childcare fairly inexpensively. Looking to the the disordered ex for any reasonable help or support is not the best resource, I have found. I also have no family where I live and very limited support but it forces me to be even more creative and resourceful. Its sounds like you doing an awesome job and with a little adjustment here and there in support with kids you can keep moving forward. Quality time is the key. Asking for help has to be part of the process, we cant do it all! Keep your time with your kids and one day soon you'll be able to look back and know that even though it was tough you got through it in one piece and the kids got to be around their dad, they need that!

So they take a nap, at a regular time?

Do you know if they nap during the week, when they're not with you?

This is definitely a pure time/personal management situation.  I totally get being stretched too thin.  You're running a marathon right now and the finish line is close.  Sometimes, we just have to keep trucking, deal with the pain of the last mile, and cross the finish line, struggling to breath, and ready to fall down from exhaustion.

I'd be tempted to work out a typical weekly calendar, broken down by hour as to what you'll be doing in each hour of the week with that much going on.  I used by yahoomail calendar to do it when i've been slammed.  It helps to put it all on there, organize it, and just follow the plan, making changes as you go.  Then you at least have piece of mind that all your responsibilities are covered, or you can see which time frames you need help and can try to plan ahead for it.  If nothing else, perhaps a few hours of in-home babysitter time to entertain the kids while you study.

I also would echo the comments by others that your BPDx will not be a source of support.  She'll use this as an opportunity to do more damage.  It's what mine does, it's what they all do.

As for finding single/divorced dad's for peers, it's tough.  I'm a member of a few single parents clubs that are focused on more kid friendly events, and then some adults only events, and they are co-ed.  I find those work out best for me.  I also joined a small men's group through church, and that's been my favorite men's only group so far.  The other men only groups have been far more obsessed with rage towards ex's than moving forward with their own lives and doing the best they can for their kids.  It's a topic for a different thread, but I believe the Father's Rights movement is currently handicapping itself because all it takes is one yutz member that is unlikeable and it marginalizes the whole group to the public.  There's a lot of that right now in those groups, so I've gotten so I avoid them.

I'm a full time parent who was juggling all and sundry since the kids were born. I did have family support for a year when they were both under 4, but have been largely on my own. Their BPD/N dad only has them for 4 hours every second Sunday.

Being organised is key, and having structure for the kids is so important.

I agree that you need to have the kids down for a nap if possible (or even a dvd for the 4 year old) so that you can get other things done. The tv can really help at that age, and provided the kids aren't in front of it all day, it will certainly help create some breathing space.

Fixed bedtime and routine - my kids are always in bed by 7:30pm, even at age 6 and 8 as they are now. After 7:30pm it's my time to get things done and this really helps.

I agree that you don't want to hand time back even temporarily. Can the grandparents visit you every other weekend to help out?

Can you go to a cafe or kids play centre and let the kids play (in a delightful fenced playground) with other kids the same age whilst you get some work done?

It's such a short time, even though it feels so far away right now. I can't believe I got through the hardest years of my life and I'm enjoying the rewards now.

You can find some great support online from dad's in the same position as you - even on this website!

Just take it a day at a time :-)

How are you doing this week?