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What a night I just had... .and I need you guys to slap some sense into me... .on second thought, I've been knocked around enough tonight... .

Have been going limited contact in order to get my ex BPD back, because even as of right now I can still say I love her. We had talked on the phone last Saturday (she called me) and had a friendly chat. My whereabouts last Wed night came up, and I'm ashamed to admit that I lied to her. I had gone out on a date, but told her I was with friends somewhere else (kick myself for not being honest, but STILL walking on eggshells... .ugh). She apparently knew at the time where I actually was and said nothing.

THIS Wed night I was walking out of the hockey rink after my son's practice and was getting in my car to head home (not my night with the kids). I see her driving around the parking lot of the rink. She had no business being there and admits herself that she was stalking me to see where I was.

We began talking and she called me out for the lie and I came clean about it. Enraged she sped off. Only to turn around and come back and ask me to get in to talk about it. I agreed and we sat in the parking lot talking. About 20 mins in she flew into a rage and punched me 4 or 5 times landing a good shot in the face and giving me a welt under my eye. I got my arms up and blocked her blows. She immediately apologized and began to hug me and kiss my face where she punched me. She then apologized and I told her I forgave her for her punching me but it was NOT "ok" that she did and such abuse is NOT allowed.

Another hour of talking and she kissed me a few times, and I kissed her back. Damn it I love this woman to death and couldn't help myself from being drawn in. During this time the guy shes been seeing (and slept with) called... .she didn't answer.

After we parted ways she called me, apologizing again for hitting me and to say goodbye forever. I accept her apology and again offer her my own for lying and told her the reason I lied was to protect her jealous feelings and to not hurt my chances of her coming back. She was very stoic and we hung up after I wished her luck and telling her I love her.

10 mins after saying goodbye for good she called me back asking if felt bad for lying to her... .I of course did, and explained that she was wrong for punching me... .we both agreed two wrongs don't make a right and she went on to tell me how she'd like to be friends and chat now and then and see if we can't build into something. We broke up LAST October and this has gone on long enough and I told her I wanted a commitment from her to working on things with US before I would be able to build things with her... .she can't agree to that, so it ended with a "talk to you later"

Ok, OK... .I know I made a ton of mistakes, and I'm left reeling and confounded.

Why stalk me if you don't want to be with me?

Listen, I know in all this I should be done... .yet I'm laying awake hours later ruminating about how much I love her, how beautiful she is, how great the sex is and how I just want her back... .

Thoughts? Comments? I love this woman, and I miss her and her kids, my kids miss her, but why isn't this enough to make me done with her? I know I lied to her about my date, but I've been lonely and she's with that guy, so why shouldn't I see whats out there? I know I shouldn't have lied about being on a date, and that was a mistake, but was being punched in the face a proper recompense for that? Two wrongs don't make a right... .but apparently a right cross... .

I sit here not wanting to tell my friends and family what happened because it will surely close the door for her return if she were to ever come back... .why do I keep thinking like that?

Help me out here, tell me what you guys think!

Thanks for reading this and in advance for your response.  

Wow my friend, I'm so sorry to hear that you got hit. Please be mindful that she doesn't claim you hit her first. Its been done before. Have you reported it?

You are a newbie and pleased you posted on L3 to give us some background. Have a read of other posts and I am sure other members stories will resonate with you.

These relationships are certainly addictive - the highs are very addictive.

Hi ILH2.0. Do you want the "tough love" version? She is BPD and is playing you and pulling your strings like a virtuoso playing a symphony of pain on her instrument.

If you're playing games trying to get her back, beware that as a pwBPD that she has a lifetime of experience playing games. You have almost no chance at beating her at her own game. Actually let me rephrase that: you have NO chance. A pwBPD will change the rules as they see fit to test your boundaries. You told her punching was not allowed, but what was her punishment for violating that rule? Oh right, it's having a nice talk and kissing. So now she knows she can physically abuse you then make up to receive kisses in return. Is this what you wanted her to learn? That she has you totally under her thumb?

You are in denial. She has BPD which is a serious mental illness. It makes all her interpersonal relationships chaotic. You are experiencing the push/pull dynamic: let's kiss, then get a phone call that it's goodbye forever, then apparently forever means 10 minutes until the next phone call, let's be friends, and on and on it goes, right?

If you love the drama, the highs and lows, the infidelity, all the crazy making behaviors, then you probably are doing okay at least until she totally drops you and cuts you out of her life which could happen at any time with a pwBPD.

What is so great about this woman that makes you feel that she alone has the key to your happiness?

Hey ilh2.0, I just reread my first reply to you and it wasn't as sympathetic as I'd usually be. I'm a little grouchy from lack of sleep, my apologies!

However, I do believe that everything I wrote is true. If you want her back, you will probably have to let her come to you. In the meantime, you should read all the lessons on the STAYING board, they'll be on a sticky topic at the top of the board. There are tools and methods that can help manage the conflict. You will also have to dramatically change yourself. I would wager that most people cannot change enough to make it work, and that's not including the wildcard of what the partner with BPD will do!

The closer you get to a pwBPD, the more it triggers them. That's why there are so many stories about how relationships blow up after moving in, getting married, or having a great vacation together. It can be very difficult, go read the stories on the Staying board for a broader understanding of just how difficult it is.

Anyhow, I would still ask that you consider your answer to my last question: What makes this woman so special that you feel she holds the key to your happiness? It's a very worthwhile question to answer. Best wishes to you and lastly a hug because you deserve one. 

Thoughts? Toxic?

Logically, what would you say to your sister or mom if she just told that story about her partner?

It doesn't sound like you're quite done yet though? Good luck with whatever she escalates to next... .Because she will, if you let her.

Mine did the same thing.  I got tired of her burying her face in her iPhone as a means of distancing from me, so I started screwing around, bumping her phone as she typed, trying to just lighten her up and get that shtty look off her face.  :)idn't work. I got three right hooks to the arm and chest and a jab to the nose, the most interesting thing being that broke her out of her crappy mood and she got all lovey-dovey for a moment, until she realized that wasn't the game she was currently playing, and went back to sourpuss in a heartbeat; VERY bizarre and scary to watch.

Anyway, think about it.  If yours was anything like mine, you've been subjected to an endless stream of psychological and emotional abuse, and now, make no mistake, that was physical abuse.  So this woman you love is returning that love with psychological, emotional and physical abuse; how could that ever be OK?  Because we're emotionally enmeshed with someone who has a serious mental illness.  Sucks I know, especially being on the receiving end and not being able to fix it.  Plus, I can tell you now that I've never hurt her physically and never will, but that's the grounded me talking, and if I stayed too long in the insanity at some point I would snap, and there goes my freedom.  I was willing to give her almost anything, but she doesn't get my freedom.

You're hurting, I understand.  Part of it for me was knowing that she wasn't pulling all the crap because she's a bad or mean person, it's because she was completely out of control.  She can't not do what she does, she lives in continual chaos, I have huge sympathy for her, and I gotta go, to save myself.  There are emotionally healthy people who can accept and reciprocate the love we're capable of, and the only smart course is to detach, heal, learn what we need, grow, and realize that some awesome healthy woman is going to benefit from the new us on the other side.

Stay strong, good luck, and stay here!

It was my experience that the physical violence esculated as time went on.   Once that horse was out of the barn there was no reigning it back in.

Please be very careful.  Very careful

The closer you get to a pwBPD, the more it triggers them. That's why there are so many stories about how relationships blow up after moving in, getting married, or having a great vacation together. It can be very difficult, go read the stories on the Staying board for a broader understanding of just how difficult it is.

This was one thing that finally convinced me mine was BPD. I started studying the patterns and every and I mean every break up or push away was at these points above. It is so heart breaking to never know what will happen. One minute your having the time of your life and the next your scrtaching your head wondering what happended. Mine never got physcially violent but her tongue lashings was bad enough. I hate to say but at times if she would have hit me it might have been a blessing probably wouldnt have hurt as bad as some of the thing she would say.

Im sorry you are going through this. I cant give you any advice becasue im in the same shape most days one minute I never want to see her again and another i wish I had her back. and then I wonder why I would want her. When I think about the things she says or has done, christmas ruined, birthdays ruined, vacations tarnished, wedding planned and then cancelled, the lies, the insults. I wonder why. I trying to figure it out also.

Never a truer word said.

I am six months out of my violent relationship with my Wife. You need to get some reading in my friend. The answers are here. You ask the question which is the one we all have "why do I need her/him, why do I forgive, why do I want them back so badly etc.'". Big questions, again the answers are on this site.

I took abuse that started in much the same way as you described and it just got worse. You keep forgiving and want to help them. Remember this, you do not hit people that you respect. Respect is key to a safe and successful relationship.

Sounds like you have the kids, well done. Be warned again, false accusations could well be made against you.

They were with me. I never raised my hand to my Wife all the time she was hitting me, but she accused me first and it sticks. I lost my child.

You need to keep a diary, tell the doctors, photograph your injury, speak to the police etc' This first incident needs documenting for your and your childrens sake.

It may sound like overkill now but learn from others and do it. The answers about your relationship with her are inside you.

My early posts will fit with your situation.

It is a tough road, it gets easier after time, then tougher again, then eases up a little and so on.

Good luck, glad you found the board.

Operative word:  "IF"


unless they are calculated and high functioning; then the abandonment coincides around a key vulnerability (i.e. aka "pulling the carpert from underneath) area in such a manner that they are the winner and you are the loser in a zero-sum, all-or-nothing, no middle ground aimed at wounding and weakening you further in some shape or form.  The negative residual ripple effects (of covert abuse) generally spread far and wide because of the level of depth in which they've launched their attack.  Tough not to personalize, huh?


And then, its also gets to be not so easy to be triggered in one shape or form due to the trauma of covert or overt abuse, (or for you to regress to some earlier stage of emotional maturity), because at some point your respiration rate and your heart rate will begin to become less regulated as well.  From the heart of one of the walking wounded.

Thank you all VERY much for the responses... .they've helped immensely.

A little further history, we met 4 years ago, and there was an incident a few years back that she punched me as well (we had a HUGE fight and I was breaking up with her)... .then last year she kicked over my Ducati... so at least her violence had transferred from my fleshy being to my beloved Italian Motorcycle... .but you guys are right, this is a pattern and it's odd that after all this, I'm feeling great... .a moment of clarity (I'm sure not to last).

I've been obsessing over how to win her back, never sure of what or how to do... .this has set me FREE. I love her, and I've tried for the last 11 months to stick it out and be back with her. While I AM dealing with my own self worth issues after all this, I know this... .it's not a matter of loving myself, it's a matter of respecting myself... .for the first time in a LONG time I know just what to do... .not walk away... .RUN away. My research now shifts from "staying" and winning her back to LEAVING... .hence my post making it to this board. I know it remains an arduous road ahead for me, but I now have the resolve I need to do it... .and a black eye to remind me for at least the next few days (good thing I'm the youngest of 4 Irish Catholic boys and play hockey... getting punched in the face really doesn't bother me  lol)

She kicked over your Ducati? Did you kick her back? lol Being the youngest of 3 Italian Catholic boys who played hockey, I guess gettin punched in the face would'nt bother me as bad as her kicking over my Ducati.

Nothing you can do bro.

Just leave her. Not worth it at all.

This train is heading down the tracks and will shortly de-rail... .again... .

NC, NC, NC.

Without diminishing what she did lets label this domestic abuse - being punched on the hockey field is a little different than being hit by someone you are in a relationship with.

I say this because we must be very careful that this does not escalate or that she reports that you were hitting her.

Also when she kicked over your motorcycle is a destructive acting out behavior.

How did you feel, really really feel when she did that?  If you were a child and you witnessed an adult whom you were attached to, do this... .how would you feel?

It hurts man.  Remember the chaos and give thanks to taking a different path rather taking the course down "misery" street.

May your resolve remain steadfast and protective of your boundaries, your space, your things, your future, and you from this moment forward.

You know... .

I was physically assaulted by my BPD/NPD ex bf and after much begging and pleading on his part I was back within a week. He seemed remorseful enough and very apologetic at the time but quite honestly I didn't even care that things got violent and wanted him back because I wasn't ready to be honest with myself.

I'm sure you can relate.

When things escalate to the point of physical violence you really owe it to yourself to take a step back in relationship assessment. Look at the overall big picture. Physical abuse = serious disrespect and ultimately devaluation.

This means that your ex will not value you if you allow her to bust your boundaries continually. And no value=no relationship. Just you being her pawn to use however she wants.

Spell

By 'Italian' you mean in the American, 'never been to Italy' sense?

I speak as someone who parlo Italiano, just returned from seeing ferrari race at Monza... .

Too soon?  :)

It's the *escalation*

I used to fight Muay Thai. My BPDexh never hit me, and, fwiw, I don't believe he ever would. Didn't stop him doing ££££ worth of damage to my property (mine, not his) and escalating his rage as a show of his power over me. It wasn't that I couldn't fight back, just I would never hurt someone I loved because I had boundaries. She's not respecting yours. There's pain that's far worse than the physical.

"Why stalk me if you don't want to be with me?"

This is what my exgf-(dxed) bipolar/(not dxed) BPD did many times no matter who left who.

I'm sorry to suggest this but:

A new term (to me) Ive seen on some bipolar boards recently is "traumatic-bonding".

I suspect in my case I grew up with a mother who is somewhat BPD (or just extremely cantankerous as my Dad used to say).So I'm playing it out-tying to fix it in my present day RS's.

Doesn't work!

I feel your pain.I'm sure there is also real love... .but really... .who the hell knows how they interpret love?

The last time we had both blocked each other a month ago.She showed up a week later drunk.

At the time I was sober (for a month) as the '4 month' long break up had re-triggered

some bad drinking and I knew I had to cool it.

Anyways now shes been arrested & charged with assault for kicking in my car window

and attacking me.She had assaulted me "much" worse twice before but I never called the cops until now.The car window was it for me!

Her behavior is alot more than bipolar, I'm positive she has BPD behavior on top or full out.

Her sister is suicidal,a cutter & had been arrested for theft.The Mom was bipolar.

Anyways the way things are going for you I could see the cops getting involved.

Its not over yet for me, but so far there's been no accusations towards me from her or any lawyers.

She has a restraining order on her.So that's it.The cops said we could never see each other again.

I will post more details in my "re"-intro later.

By the way I posted here in 2008 after a brief RS with someone similar.

Horrified to see THOSE posts too... .

Thanks

Please, please take this advice from Clearmind. I lost my little one after false allegations! (see last post on this thread) Glad that you are seeing the patterns and the reasons you have been putting up with the madness. Once you start breaking free (inside your head and heart) the sun will shine again. You will discover yourself and missing friends will come back into your life. It is a tough road but worth the walk.

I had given reporting this a lot of thought. Luckily we don't have children together. I have mine and she has hers, so at least I don't have to fear her taking my kids. Had a great talk with my ex wife and her bf last night about what's going on and being the awesome people they are, offered to help me by taking my youngest to hockey at those times on my weekends with them when she will also be at the rink so that our paths will not cross... .well, unless she hunts me down again.

Rather than reporting, I spoke with a friend who is a police officer and he knows what went down and heard from a guy yesterday who saw the whole thing in the parking lot the other night... .so I feel my a$$ is sufficiently covered, but I WILL be taking steps to ensure that it STAYS covered!

It's all very sad, I love her, but there has to be breaking point where you say enough is enough and you have to stand up for yourself... .and that time is now!

As others have said, your ex sounds capable of doing anything. Knowing what I know NOW about how some BPD people are and what they may be capable of, I would get a restraining order to protect yourself and your kids and your legal rights.  She will continue to stalk you, I can almost guarantee it.

Stalking is also inclusive of CyberStalking.  Cyberstalking can be indirect. Its another angle to get AT you, penetrate your boundaries and mess with your heart and mind. The cumulative effect even if it comes in the form of an enticement/recycle attempt eventually contributes to eroding your healthy sense of self another notch or two further, in a continuation of the spiral continuation of manipulation and control, however explicit or implicit.  But I'm sure you alread know this.  Soo glad i don't do FB.

Yes, there has been cyberstalking as well. Apparently she created a profile on a dating website I was on just to see mine, and although she's been blocked off FB, and all her mutual friends unfriended, she still seemed to know my every move on there.

I grapple with the fact she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, yet goes though such lengths to remain connected to me... .I try to apply logic to it and I have remind myself that BPD causes any logic I find rational out the window. My resolve to leave is stronger than ever before, and I'm preparing myself to be strong enough to ignore the next deliciously baited hook she drops in the water for me to bite on... .

HA! No sooner do I post that about resisting her baited hook then I get an email from her asking how my face it and that she was once again sorry... .

Iloveher2,

I think you've answered at least in part, why she keeps stalking you- because she can. You're a way she knows she has to get her drama fix. If she's blocked on FB, why not block her emails? She knows she can still get to you. As long as you let her remain in your life in any way, you are a target for her drama.

Someone who would punch someone in the face is capable of much more. Many BPDs rage to the point of psychosis. I often wonder when watching one of those real life murder shows (like Snapped) if I had read a post from the killed person on this site. Most of those people didn't think the person would kill them. Not that I think your ex would do that, but her behavior is NOT rational, is Violent. None of us know what a person who is mentally ill is capable of.

Please don't be alone with this person. A bruise on her, even if done to defend yourself, can land you in jail. You may not lose your kids, but how will your current or future employers take to that? Or anything you want to do in your life that may depend on a squeaky clean record? There is story after story on here of men that have been falsely accused. Those records are FOREVER. Is she worth that?

Foiles

Agree with above!

My x would go catatonic after raging.

Very frightening.felt like she wanted to kill me!

Block her emails so they get deleted immediately.

Then there is no hook.

Having done that spurred my x to show up

& all hell broke loose.

I'm contemplating moving & changing my tel. #.

She's blocked from text/calls but could call

From a payphone(which she did the next day after

Assaulting me),

Having said that with her charges/ restraining order

She will likely not contact me.

Do not delete that email and do not respond.

If you continue to have contact with her, sooner or later you'll probably go to jail (as I did).  She will find that hitting you doesn't make her happy so she will move on to false accusations.  You're a man, so you will be considered guilty til proven innocent, and it's hard to prove you didn't do something.  Lots of guys go to jail;  for me it was just one night, but the fallout was huge.  Even now, 6 years later, if a potential employer googles my name, they will see that I was arrested and charged with assault, but they won't see that the charges were proved false and dropped... .

This woman is mentally ill.  Having any contact with her is dangerous, unless there is a non-family adult third party present.

She will not get better, unless she gets the right kind of therapy, and stays with it long-term, which is unlikely.

You should find a good counselor to help you through this, and also talk to a criminal defense attorney (not family law) to make sure you know exactly how to act to minimize your risk.  He will tell you not to have any contact with her at all.

Well said and good luck, stay strong, watch out, breath the air, live again... .

Seriously consider filing an incident report; memories get fuzzy and you had a witness.  As Clearmind suggested keep that email. Print out some copies and if you file a report make sure a copy of the email is included.  Also include her statement that she as stalking you.
.

In the search box at the top of the page type in stalking. . .you will see hundreds of posts made by members here.  Stalking is a form of abuse. 

My "ex" hasn't punched me in the face yet, but she has said a number of times that she wants to real bad.  She at least wants to knock out a tooth.  Recently she threw a drink in my face at the restaurant we were eating at, then when we got outside she started hitting me on the arms.

After that she immediately started the false accusations by texting friends saying I hit her and threatened her life.

From what I've been reading here now that the relationship has escalated into physical abuse it's only going to get worse.  If I am ever with her again I am in for a lot of trouble.  Jail time?  Severely beaten?  Murdered?  Anything seems possible. 

So I ask myself, why do I want to be with this person so bad?  Why can't I just run from her while I still have the chance?  Why can't I let her go?  I feel like a heroin junkie who knows what they are taking is bad for them and is going to kill them, but they do it anyway.

Yeah, exactly.

My criminal defense attorney told me that these things tend to ramp up.  First there are harsh words, and that doesn't work - the aggressor doesn't get real happiness from calling you names or whatever.  Maybe then property damage - my wife tore up all my sheet music - maybe an adrenaline buzz but it doesn't last.  So it ramps up to threats, then mild physical stuff like punching you in the arm or throwing a drink in your face.  Then maybe more violence.  And then - worse than violence in my view - false accusations.  I would rather be hit over the head with a frying pan than falsely accused of violence.

And yes, I think this has a lot in common with chemical addiction like heroin - for both parties.  The aggressor is getting an adrenaline buzz, which triggers the brain's pleasure centers somewhat like drugs do.  And we "nons" - those of us who stay in these relationships - we may not get a physical buzz, but we're getting something too - maybe we have a need for drama, or a need to be needed, or whatever - co-dependence is a cycle of self-destructive behavior just like the aggressor is going through.

Which is why professional help is usually worth while.  I found a good counselor who helped me a lot.  Plus peers (like here) and family and close friends, who may not have a clue but care.

The first two times my ex assaulted me I told no-one.Until months after we'd broken up.

We got back together.She continued her aggression but I had mellowed & laughed it off and stuck to my own spiritual practice(and therapy).

Finally she kept at it & I said if she didn't manage her aggression (I refrained from using the 'abuse' word) that one day the cops would become involved.She had thrown an expensive item of mine down a flight of stairs (fortunately not much damage) amongst lots of other things & threats.

And then finally it happened.She kicked my car window out-attacked me in a drunken rage recently,even though I had gone NC.She showed up at my apartment uninvited.(stalked me before).

Mind you I did provoke her the last time.After she decided to leave I told her how abusive I thought she really was.

But having said that she never needed much provocation.Her rage would be triggered by just about anything. So... I ask myself the same questions... .

She turned herself in was arrested & now the courts begin next Monday with an 'administrative' hearing.

Vicim/Witness Services is keeping me up to date.She obviously has a restraining order against her.

As much as I worry about myself (and I have a young boy too) I feel that if she doesn't get help one

day she will end up with the wrong guy who will retaliate and really hurt her.

Sad.