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Everything I am reading about BPD keeps discussing the importance of having boundaries. But I am just wondering how people have actually put these boundaries in place?

At the moment, my UBPD Sister completely disengages from me if I want to talk to her about anything meaningful, yet she still wants to, go see a movie with me, go to the zoo, do a yoga class... .

I feel like pulling my hair out when she contacts me to do something like that because I feel like, without talking about what has been going on I cannot do small talk anymore.

She just wants to pretend nothing has happened but I have realised that if I keep pretending she hasn't acted like a complete psycho the past year, that I am going to have to admit MYSELF to the loony bin. ;S

Is there a 'right' way to verbalise the need for emotional boundaries with a BPD individual? I don't feel right just avoiding her without explaining why... .

I would love to know anyone who has dealt with something similar and any effective things they have said/done to explain to their BPD family member that while they love them to bits, they will not put up with their nasty behaviour?

:light: ?

 *welcome* LfMS

I think it's great that you are reading up on boundaries and looking for ways to be in relationship with your sister that you obviously love and care about a great deal.

In addition to boundaries, have you read anything about radical acceptance or non violent communication either on this site or elsewhere? These might help you in thinking about your relationship, your values, and how you can create boundaries for your well being.

I thought of these two items in particular when I read this part of your post
In your post, I am hearing the understandable need for your sister to validate your hurt and your feelings because of her behavior that is a result of her mental illness. Do you think this is a possibility?

It's understandable that we want the family members we love who have hurt us to apologize for their actions and acknowledge our hurt just like we do when we do hurt others. However, if your sister is undiagnosed or not in therapy, as someone who is untreated and mentally ill, she is not capable of doing this in a way that makes sense to you.

She might be pretending everything is fine because she is terrified of your rejection and deeply ashamed of who she is, and she is trying to appear like someone acceptable to you. She might not remember the events as you do because when feelings are facts, her perception and memory of events are often very different from yours. She might even have rewritten her facts in her mind to eliminate anything ever happened--that she did anything wrong--and because of her illness, she would feel her version was her truth as well as should be your truth.

If your sister has BPD, it could be that you might need to alter your expectations of your sister or of your relationship with her because your sister is ill. She won't be able to change her behaviors without intensive and ongoing therapy.

This forum is a great place to get some of the validation we can't get from untreated and undiagnosed family members, which might help in some ways to keep you from feeling like you have to be admitted to a "loony bin." Seeking validation from friends and other family can be helpful, too.

We can work on ourselves and learn new ways of communicating and being in relationship with someone who is mentally ill. It isn't easy and it requires a lot from us to take care of our emotional needs without any expectation of our loved one with BPD reciprocating at all, or on a regular basis, or in a way that we particularly want.

It stinks. It's hard. It doesn't seem fair that we have to work on ourselves when so often someone with uBPD/BPD seems to not have to do anything.

I came here trying to figure out what I could do to make my uBPD sister-in-law change. Now, after a number of years, I realize that I continue to come here to learn how to work more on myself, which has had an impact in almost every relationship in my life in ways I never could have expected when I first joined here. It's still hard. It still stinks sometimes. But I have found the information about radical acceptance, non violent communication, values, and boundaries invaluable.


Pilate

Hi again LfMS!

You have some great questions. I remember the frustration trying to communicate with different people w/BPD (or NPD traits) in my life... .Sometimes we can talk about things and have to find the right time/and the right way, and sometimes the pwBPD (person w/BPD) will not be able to have that conversation. You will find the answers in time.

I see two things in your post:

1. Boundaries in general - that is more of a day to day, moment to moment - type activity.

2. Talking to your sister about the past, and your need to distance yourself: The second part is a boundary, the first part is your need that may or may not be possible to fulfill (you will find out as time goes on).

You definitely have the right for a healthy distance. I am not sure what the best approach would be, though. Maybe some people with more experience with this will have a good idea... .I would make it about myself, rather than about her. Saying something like: 'A lot has happened in this last year and I feel like I need to think about things. I love you and I want to keep in touch, and because of that, I need to take things more slowly.'

On the boundary topic:

A boundary is an action on your part (physical, verbal, or both) that protects your values, and your personal, mental, emotional space to keep you healthy. So that would apply if your sister's behaviors towards you are nasty, a boundary to protect yourself from that is called for.

Sometimes, after things calm down, there is a need to address what has happened and what that means for you. Sometimes, the boundary itself is enough, and you can move on like nothing has happened.

Boundaries work, because 1. We effectively protect what matters to us, & 2. The pwBPD does not achieve in an unhealthy way, what they were used to, so in time they learn that it does not work.

One thing to keep in mind: a pwBPD does not integrate life's 'lessons' into their life well, so often they repeat the same mistake over and over, and we need to accept that and not expect anything different.

Hope this helps a bit... .