BPDFamily.com

I have always validated my BPDw, because she has never been heard or recognized. I am basically her avenue to vent. It's been very helpful for her. She has also gotten help basically from a counselor. Since she is being validated, since she is being heard, since she is being recognized, she has freely admitted that she has gone to the opposite extreme of not validating others, not hearing other, not recognizing others. Ironic, huh? So, while I have honored, respected, recognized, heard, loved, and validated her, she has done many things against me to put me down, like when I was rearended, she told me it was my fault, that I was in a bad mood, that I caused the accident. I flatly told her no, because she wanted me not to charge the other person's insurance company. Our insurance company won, and all of my expenses were taken care of. This is just one minor example. So, while she knows I have been there for her, she clearly is trying to distance herself from the person who has loved her. Now, I am questionning whether or not to leave. If you are wondering if I am taking care of myself with all of this and much, much more, you bet I am, but I am clearly not being validated, not being loved, not be respected, not being honored. It is like she and I are two different people where she can't stand the idea of closeness. So, she distances herself from me, her family, and her friends. Even the ones she has thought even recently to be her friends, when she sees there is even a minor flaw in them, then, she distances herself from them, thus hurting others' feelings as well. Any thoughts, folks?

In being on the receiving end much like you I can relate to this.  My ex would actually get to the place where she saw her actions towards me being hurtful... .and would come back in my life apologizing - saying she knew she was wrong to treat me that way.  Except... .she still does it - so I question her empathy and sincerity.

I have seen my ex cut people out of her life because of a flaw being discovered.  Her exact words in those times "so and so is dismissed".  She has cycled through many friends - I have not seen anyone stay in her life as a close friend - ever!  Those who remain are distant aquaintences ... .they may appear on her FB... .and seem so close and chummy - but 9 out of 10 of them have never met her in person.

I just saw a movie called "Thank you for sharing" which is about addictions. I just wonder the desire for me to want to try to bond with my BPDw is a hopeless cause, because she is out of town for the next four days for counseling and for her schooling. And you think I have a great, quality? How can I or anyone else for that matter?

Samuel, I can relate to that 100%. She would download after a hard day at work and I would  listen, emphasise and validate her. She would thank me profusely as if she wasn't worthy of it and I never understood why she would thank me like that. I told her that's just what married couples do and there was no need to thank me. I feel now that I was validating her lies and thats why I got the heartfelt thanks as this was a validation she didnt deserve. They dont like her at work and that makes it very stressful for her so I spent a lot of time validating her.

When I needed to download she would find a distraction and I could never download.  When I told her I was lonely and had nobody to talk to she would look at me like I was speaking a foreign language and never responded to me. 

The fact you are on top of it is good to hear. You're quite right in that you are not being validated, loved, respected or honored and I don't believe that will change. With this condition, it is always about them and never about you or "us" (the couple) so you can't expect them to genuinely feel the way you do. Your role is that of carer and in some countries you can get paid for that job.

The question is, what do you want from your life? Being a full time carer or having partner who will validate, love, respect and honor you in the same way you validate, love, respect and honor her?

Hi Samuel S.

*welcome*

You have certainly posted about one of the challenges of being in a relationship with a person with BPD (pwBPD).

Intimacy can certainly be hard to sustain when our partners are on the defensive and accuse and blame. There are two sides of the coin when it comes to processing accusations and blame.

1. Their version - for which we need to learn how to detach with love from

2. Our version - knowing we are innately right and we have enough worth we don't need to prove it, hence react.

Often in a relationship with a pwBPD we can contribute to the conflict cycle with the notion of needing to be right and making them wrong. I'm not suggesting you do this however it is a common trait for partners of Borderlines.

If things escalate... .How to stop accusations and blame (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87204.0)

Clearmind, thank you for your words of wisdom. Yes, when I have had enough energy to say no to my BPDw's abuse, I have said no. Oftentimes, though, when I try to state there needs to be some sort of compromise, she gets on the defensive, saying that she has endured so much pain in her life before me, that she needs to do things for herself now. Indeed, she has suffered a lot of abuse and even death, but again, I have only validated, loved, listened, recognized, and honored her. We are not a couple. We are two individuals who see each other four or five times a week. It's almost like she has been given many cookies. I have always said to her that she needs to pursue what she wants while still recognizing that the quality of our relationship can only grow, if we continue recognizing we are a couple that needs to grow together, not apart. Now, she wants the whole package of cookies. She wants her cake and eat it, too. Very, very rarely, she will recognize that she needs to have a relationship with me. She won't listen to me. I never force her, saying we must have a relationship. That's not me. She either wants to, like before, or she doesn't. Bottom line, I am very disillusioned. The only things that brings me joy into my life are what I do during the week while she is out of town. We don't even got out to dinner or to a movie. When she gets back from her studies out of town, she either works or studies while only doing some cooking for us. She told me just the other day that she can barely devote a couple of minutes to her daughter and to me per week. Otherwise, again, she is devoting her time to her work and to her studies. This is a far cry from the quality life we had together that we both enjoyed fully. She was the love of my life. Now, there's no love with her, and there's no life with her.  :'(

When she is a state Sam its best to not compromise or discuss the topic at all. Leave it for when she has calmed down. Reasoning and bargaining when she is dysregulated will trigger her further - and you maybe!

I haven't brought up the subject of compromising for quite some time now, but I did say that I miss her several weeks ago. She also said she misses me, but that's it. She still devotes time to her work and to her studies. When I talk to friends and relatives and I mention how she is pursuing her new career by going back to college, they too are all very supportive of her, but also recognize the fact that it basically makes a strain on her, but this is what she wants to do. With so many people feeling this way, I am wondering if I am being selfish to want to spend time with her. She says that when her 4 year program is over, that she will have more time for our relationship. While that may be true, prior to her studies, she was involved in work, exercise, and a variety of other activities, thus having very little time for our relationship, and she is still doing those activities while studying and working. So, while I support anything that will bring her happiness, again, it is like we are 2 people in the same house and not a home, and I don't see it getting any better. It's like a big stall, or it's like a carrot at the end of a string -- never seemingly achievable. I wonder if she is scared to be close to anybody at all!

Sam, relationships are about making time because you love someone and want to spend time with them.

Sam can I ask whether you are accustomed to asking for your needs to be met? Where you required as a child to take a back seat for other peoples needs?

Clearmind, while I was growing up, my parents would argue a lot, thus making it difficult to state what I wanted, because I didn't want to interfere and also didn't want to create problems. So, yes, I was basically required to take a back seat for other people's needs. Nevertheless, as time went on during my adult years, I learned to ask for what I needed, but I have never demanded, because I have a lot of respect for people. I have asked my BPDw numerous times in tactful ways, but not skirting around the bush, as to what I needed while always being respectful and loving of her. With our current circumstances, she is forced to do her studies and to do her work, thus extremely limiting our time together.

I have had plenty of opportunities to focus 100% on my stuff, but I have always had her and her daughter as my top priorities. I guess she really doesn't feel the same way. By the way, I even retired earlier so that I could focus all of love and attention on her and her daughter, but that obviously has backfired bigtime!

Sorry Sam - you have tried very hard. No doubt these relationships are difficult and we often do need to be the one that steps up.

What are you thoughts more recently about where you stand in the relationship?

Ironic as it may seem, I have stepped up for the support and the love of the relationship all the time, and my BPDw just does the complete opposite by focusing on outside activities, the very thing she was upset about that her first husband had done to her. So, she is paying me back? When I brought that to her attention, she said that she now understands why he did what he did. UGH!

So, your question about where I stand in the relationship is valid. I have been here for her and her daughter, but it has not been mutual. I remember the Dr. Seuss story about the elephant who sits on top of a tree, keeping a nest of eggs warm while the stork goes away and plays in Florida. The elephant keeps saying that he'll never forget his commitments. That is stuck in my brain.

Deep down inside, I know this relationship is wrong for me, because we are not flourishing as a couple while flourishing individually. I've encouraged her to get into couple counseling, but she says she has no time and that she needs to work on all of her own issues first before possibly working as a couple. It's gotten to the point within the last 6 months or more, that I have been eating and drinking all the wrong things, because that is the only thing that is personally satisfying for me. Professionally, it has been a true joy, because I get to be around other people and to work with them; however, personally, I am experiencing a slow, demeaning death.

I have to wait for a month to see a counselor. There is basically a retired counselor whom I talk to, and he's been somewhat helpful, but I feel a major void, especially each weekend.

Now that the weekend is over and even though my BPDw is not around, I am feeling better, because I am doing some professional things that help others. I need to be busy so as not to immerse myself with all the hurt that she has created. I need to plan for the weekends that she is not around. Do any of you do the same thing? I wish she would remain around here, and I wish we could have a much, much better and closer relationship; however, she is so focused on herself that she cannot compromise, while I would be more than willing to balance my professional goals to have that special, needed relationship that makes one's life complete. Like all of you guys and gals who are in a tug of war with your BPDs, I just wish there could be an easy way to have a less chaotic life. It is chaotic enough in our professional lives, let alone to be behind our closed doors.