BPDFamily.com

Hi there,

Just a quick  query that I cant see an answer to on similar threads; without going into details, I'm looking at the feasibility of pressing ahead with divorce either quite shortly now or later if it benefits me more (uBPDstbxW whilst we have separated is going through predictable dysregulation but in many ways more recently extreme in outrageous demands as I'm enforcing boundaries).

In keeping my focus on the care of the children, I’m aware that judges normally tend to favour the status quo and I'm getting 50/50 access currently so want to ensure moving forward it's at least that.  (I fear she will escalate and use the kids as a bartering tool for access, would be good to be able to evidence my care for them).  I have an online calendar we both access to evidence the time and swaps etc... .

Is there a time limit in which short term arrangements can be viewed as an established status quo?

Regards,

Whichwayisup

It sounds as if you have established the status quo, or more appropriately - a precedent for custody.  I am noit aware of a defined timeline for status quo and it may be regional varyind court to court.  Supported with documentation of bad behavior around the children, I would make very effort to not allow the status quo to slip beyond 50/50. 

This was sort of  my argument that I made to get 50/50 - I have been a large part of thier life from day one with no adverse effects tot he children, that should not change as a matter of the custoyd determination.  I think my ex knew if she pushed, I could push harder having lots of documentation and her with no diagnosis, but something I could "pay" for and wield like an axe if she pushed.

I have heard status quo can be established at 6 mos in some states. I'm not sure if that is during a legal separation, or prior to filing, or after a temporary order.

I recall that when I first separated and allegations were flying, the magistrate didn't want to hear anything older than 6 months prior, it was considered 'stale'.  It may or may not be similar for establishing parenting history in your state - and in most cases judges are given latitude or judicial discretion when making decisions.  You may assume the judge will see how good you are as a person and a parent but often judges don't stray too far from their stated policy, procedures or how they've ruled in other cases.  As has been said... .The mis-behaving parent seldom gets consequences and the well-behaving parent seldom gets credit.

Rather than guessing and hoping, have you gotten some inexpensive local legal consultations?  You need to determine well in advance what your options and gotchas are.  Consultations are confidential and either inexpensive or free since you don't have to pay a retainer until you choose a lawyer.

If you are contemplating separation or divorce, you need to be sure you understand well how you manage your privacy.

• You have a right to privacy and confidentiality.
  
  Many of us were regularly interrogated or guilted into 'confessing' everything we did.  Time to stop blabbing about issues such as these or else you risk sabotaging yourself.  When the marriage ends or is ending, so does the inappropriate sharing of information.



• Don't contact your lawyer or even peer support here from computers or phones your spouse has or had access to.  There could be spyware, key loggers or your spouse could dig through the browsing history and temporary files.



• Change passwords to ones your spouse can't guess.  Remember, view shared computers, even when using passwords, as unsafe for confidential logging or communication.



• If you don't have separate accounts yet, then do that.  If possible try to close joint credit accounts to reduce you risk to unexpected debt.  Try to stop using joint bank accounts so she can't unexpectedly raid the account and leave you penniless.  You may still want to use some joint accounts minimally so you don't trigger suspicions but ponder how best to protect yourself and the long term welfare of the children and work toward that goal.



• Be careful who you share your private thoughts and strategies with... .
  
     Your mutual friends may turn out to be more her friends than yours.
  
     Her previously friendly family members may decide blood is thicker than water.



• Think twice before making decisions, ponder whether there could be custody/parenting ramifications.



• Repeat:  You have a right to confidentiality and privacy.  It's okay to not divilge sensitive information.

It is almost impossible to find the 'right time' to divorce, probably there is no right time due to the unpredictability and volatility of the disordered spouse.  So use your best judgment.  If you decide to wait a bit, have all the paperwork prepared in advance and held in safekeeping where she cannot access (not a trunk, the office or a locked briefcase, those are not secure enough) so that if a huge roadblock arises then you can file a well-prepared petition to the court promptly.

As you become more educated and more prepared you will find that you can make more informed and more confident decisions.