BPDFamily.com

My hubby has been exhibiting some erratic behavior regarding the kids.  Called my son's school and had a conference based on something he thought happened, that didn't happen.  And some incidents I have noted here about wanting to give them medicine when they weren't sick (which I talked him out of).  Before I filed for divorce, he was having episodes like this where he imagined things about the kids, too.

His therapist, let's call him Dr. T, told me a few months ago that he had recommended my husband see a psychiatrist, not just a psychologist (Dr T).  Hubby is on an antidepressant but obviously needs something for his delusions.  I'm not sure what would work with a BPD person anyway.

Anyway... .my lawyer is about to send his lawyer a letter subtly mentioning one or two of the behaviors and encouraging him to communicate more effectively when coparenting.  The idea is just to create more of a paper trail of his instability if needed later.  BUT... .

I am wondering if it would be appropriate or inappropriate to send a strongly worded letter saying that he needs counseling, or more help, which is REALLY what needs to happen?  Is that appropraite or inapprpriate?  I don't know if it would do any good, and it would embarrass him for his attorney to find out that he's in a psych's care, but on the other hand, I tend to beat around the bush or walk on eggshells.  Maybe this would push his attorney to tell him to get the right help so that we don't go to court to take the kids away.

What do you all think?

A client needs to share all pertinent information with his/her lawyer so that he/she can be represented well and not blindside the lawyer when that information becomes known.

Apparently he hasn't.  So yes I think your lawyer should inform his lawyer of such important information.

If the marriage is ending or had ended then you probably shouldn't do it.  Most likely your ex no longer sees you as having any authority, at least mine didn't.  So now the authority figures are the court and those associated with the court and other professionals.

If you have documentation of your uBPDh's T's recommendation that he seek more in-depth therapy, I'd have no problem with L sending his L a letter mentioning it.  Maybe even send a copy of the documentation? 

If you don't have documentation, I think it's okay to still have L send the opposing L something about it, but he's got to caveat that the T relayed that info. verbally. 

Of course, you could hold off on sending it, and then spring it on him in front of the judge that you can document the recommendation after getting him to lie about under oath. 

Depends on your long term goals I guess.

I'm not sure what you would gain here?

I understand if you asked for this recommendation in your consent order -- that language was included in mine and I think others here on bpdfamily.com have had similar recommendations. But in a letter from an L, without any other precedent in any of your legal documents, I'm not sure I understand what, if anything, could be gained?

His T tells you, then you tell your L to tell his L to tell him to go see a psychiatrist... .that's an awkward chain for anyone, much less a pwBPD.

I think if you want this to be part of your legal strategy, you would need to do a deposition, or if possible, do as Waddams suggests. But you have to be so careful with mental illness and confidentiality.

If your goal is that he gets therapy and treatment, the sad truth is that no one can make him do that. Even court-ordered therapy is hard to enforce.

With regards to how he is interacting with the school - it is up to the school to address their concerns directly with him.

In my case, the school called me to say that they had received harassing messages after DD8's accident at school, but they didn't return his calls, just complained to me. It is not up to me to moderate BPD/Nxh's behavior, the school are within their rights to ask him not to call them, or they can escalate it independently with their legal team.

Either way, he's not my husband and he's not my responsibility.

Treatment cannot be enforced as they others have mentioned, and BPD/Nxh attends his court mandated psychiatrist appointments and lies through every session, leaving a wonderful paper trail of just how far he's recovered   which is used in court each time to establish his good behavior patterns... .

You can't behave for them, you can't create a net big enough to catch all of their drama's and you can't protect your family or the world around you from their actions.

Advising his legal team of his actions can work, but would it be better to build a case for court and not tip the hand of his lawyers? You are giving them key information on how to defend their client/your husband against the very things you are trying to prevent.