BPDFamily.com

Another day, another conflict with the ex-partner of DS. She is the pwBPD (diagnosed but not accepting it) You may wonder, why I still have contact with the xpartner? A matter of having to, our son and grandson live with us and although she has limited time with the gr.son the court has permitted her to have him on some days. She's still not sticking to the schedule though, changes her mind often, always has excuses, and it is always the fault of everybody  else but her, when she is late. My decisions are always based on what is best for wee Gr.son (2)

I am so tired of the conflicts, the blaming, the tension that is always present when she's around. Last week I got a box of chocolates for being soo supportive, today I got the blame for everything that has gone wrong in her life.

Oh,how does one deal with that?  I am so frustrated with the situation.

Sorry just had to talk to someone about it.

 

It's hard being on the rollercoaster.

Have you checked out the LESSONS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307#msg1064894) when it comes to managing the relationship you have with your BPD [former] daughter-in-law?

I feel a whole lot of compassion as to what you're experiencing being that the mother of my stepchildren suffers from BPD. I've learned how to be in a relationship with her without actually having a relationship with her.

If that makes any sense.

I don't get any payoff from helping her out other then knowing that it's in the best interest of the kiddos. I also don't get attached when she gets upset with me when I set a boundary or tell her "no". I also lay a whole lot of expectations in dealing with her on the man (my husband) who made the decision to have children with her.

How's your son handling this stuff?

~DreamGirl

Hi DreamGirl

I think I get your drift when it comes to being in relationship rather than having a relationship with her.

The accusations are sometimes a bit to handle. I'm sure there is a lot of envy and jealousy at play at the moment as well. Wee grandson is preferring our company (mine, my husband or our sons) over hers, he is very avoidant when she comes either to visit or to pick him up. On nearly every occasion he cries and clings to One of us. Then when the inevitable has to happen, when he gets handed over to her to be put in the car, he either settles or with arched back rebels being strapped on to his carseat. He never looks happy when he has to leave.

It then takes a while for me to let go of the worry if he is going to be ok for the day.

We have of course emotionally invested heavily in this lovely boy since our son and he came to live with us after the separation. There weren't married and her aim to get sole custody was thwarted by the court in giving the father the almost 75/25 care of his son. Probably because of her mental state, the suicidal ideations and threats, eating disorder and son on. The times that she's supposed to have him get changed so often, always with plenty excuses, and never her fault. But we are not letting this over-shadow the joy of having both our son and gr.son, around; that is our payoff!

I will have another look at the Lessons again, I may have forgotten some aspects with all these issues going on.

As a gift we gave our son some sessions with a T very conversant with DBP, to debrief after the separation. He has a support person at mental health services as well, so have I, so we are well looked after.

I am with you that we always think of the normal relationship we are providing for our lovely gr.son especially in relationship with teaching him how to manage emotions.

Thanks DreamGirl

Having a BPD parent myself I do know how hard it is to communicate.

Kids know where they can get comfort from and are very perceptive. It’s a really good thing that she only has on set days. Great idea for your son to write down the days she doesn’t adhere to the schedule.

I think you have the right balance in your thinking Krudula and have come to a level of acceptance that she is who she is and you can expend your energy on your GS (grandson).

Kids really want to be heard and their emotions validated rather than discounted.

There are great books on positive validation for children Krudula. We can do little to change the Borderlines behaviour however we can ensure the kids are validated.

I have read this one and thought it was great: www.amazon.com/The-Power-Validation-Out-Control/dp/1608820335

As for exDIL (ex daughter in law) – blame and accusations really are such a huge part of BPD – they relinquish their own feelings about themselves by projecting onto others. Part of the key is to not retaliate and counter-attack because it has nothing to do with you or your family – it’s her own emotions getting out of hand.

Boundaries however are important where you feel she has over stepped them. Simple boundary statements are always good to have in hand. If she blames and accuses a simple boundary statement is all you need.

Best phrases for setting boundaries  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=94125.0)

How are you going?