BPDFamily.com

I've always been a pretty happy guy.  Then a year or so ago I met my BPDex and now it's been a few days of no contact and I can't seem to want to do anything.  My work has me on the road all the time, and the past few days I haven't left my hotel room.  I go from fits of crying my eyes out to fits of feeling almost nothing.  But rarely to I have feelings of "I'm doing the right thing here". 

I can't talk to my friends about her because they don't understand.  They all just say "she's crazy, bro!" and don't seem to care about the deep connection I have.  They just think I'm an idiot for wanting to think it could one day work out. 

I don't have a very open relationship with my family, so calling them crying isn't something I'm comfortable with.  I've thought about doing phone therapy but I can't bring myself to pick up the phone.  I'm scared.  I know that she needs help that she will probably never get, but the more I live with my decision, I feel like I might need help too. 

She was so perfect, and so beautiful, and so funny, and so witty, and so smart... .and so untrustworthy.  This is LITERALLY the hardest emotional thing I've had to deal with in my short 32 years. 

Standup Guy,  I am sorry for your pain. And crying is good. It sounds like you are in the throes of depression and it would be a good idea to do as you suggested, find a therapist. The wounds from a BPD relationship run deep. When you are still in love with your PD'd partner the pain is excruciating. And life with a PD partner is only multiple levels of pain drawn out over a protracted period of time that eventually sucks the life out of you. It ends anyways.

It helps to break the bonds by focusing on the terrible aspects of the relationship. The cold reality of what it really was and was not. It's not easy, but it may help to shift your perspective and allow for you to realize that you are deserving of someone much better to share your life with. It's a painful internal exploration of your own psyche, but well worth it. It does get better, but it does take time. Grieve the loss of the dream and embrace the reality.

In italics... .

That is idealization.

In bold... .

Devaluation.

Notice you described a lot of good qualities and only 1 bad quality.

Weigh them both evenly.

Otherwise you will just remember the idealization.

I know it hurts.

We all do.

Try and link the devaluation to the idealization so you can see exactly what it id that you are missing.

Their awful behavior is not worth the short idealization phase.

Stay strong.

StandUpGuy,

I'm really sorry that you are feeling this pain. So many of us have been there. My connection with pwBPD was extremely compelling and spiritual and triggered every wound I didn't even know I had.  Your feelings of confusion and hurt are very understandable.  Let those tears flow  :'(  

I know feeling the feelings hurts like hell, but it is also the way through.  I'm sorry that your friends and family aren't available to you for support.  It's really important to reach out for help when you need it.  Are there possibly group meetings near you, like 12-step or CODA, that could offer support?

As for day to day, if you can get out into some fresh air, even force yourself to take a walk or do some exercise, it can make a big difference.   This is the hardest part, but it does get better, I promise.   

Hi StandUpGuy. These breakups knock us down. I am three months broken up with my uBPDexbf and in those three months I somehow mustered up the energy to find a therapist, and doing that was hard. I didn't even feel like going online and finding someone.

My next order of business is to find a primary care physician so I can get on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. Even though I need it badly I have been putting that off because I simply want to avoid everything.

When I wake up for work, I put little effort into my appearance. I just think about wanting to get through the day without much hurt. I'm emotionally drained. My laundry is piling up because when I get home from work I just want to crawl into bed and not do anything.

Try to set aside an hour to find a therapist in your home base and make an appointment when you return. I find that just making myself go to an appointment I feel better because it feels like an escape from my joyless surroundings.  

I know traveling for work is tiring even on good days. I just got back from a four-day work trip and I couldn't wait for it to end. Do you have friends in your home city?

Also, the crying is good. I still cry a lot. I find that now I am crying not just about losing the ex and how he treated me, but losing the fantasy he helped create and losing my sense of self with him, however temporary it was (we were together seven months). I also cry because I'm scared about the decisions I have to now make for myself. I cry about my new reality. I cry because I'm tired.

And, breakups are breakups. This board is BPD-focused, but I went through a bad breakup two years ago with a non-BPD boyfriend and I slipped into a deep depression after that one. I feel better when I remember that because then I know I'm going through normal loss grieving, so it's really not all about the BPD person.