BPDFamily.com

So to make a long story short... .

My BPDSO and I were together for more than three years.

She broke up with me, three days later we were back together. This was last February. Then weeks later she had cheated on me, but refused to stop talking to the guy. I told her she had to make up her mind. When she couldn't I broke up with her. Somehow I felt bad, we ended up back together and it's been a few months.

Now, there's a new guy she's talking to. But what REALLY bugs me is she changed the PIN on her phone. This is a big red flag. Whether or not something is going on is sort of irrelevant because the behavior is suspicious. I already felt this was going to happen but I recycled probably for the 4th time anyway.

I don't know what to do. I don't really know if I want to be with her anymore. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to go about breaking it off with her.

I am very, very new to this whole BP thing, but I'll try here on a basic understanding of relationships 

Cheating is either acceptable behavior in a relationship for you or it's not.  Was this the first time she cheated?  Did you get back together and talk about what lead up to this?

As far as the whole pin thing; coming from a non who's every move is a "red flag" to my BP, I say be open about it first.  Did you ask her about it? Could there be another reason why she changed her pin? Not to be nosy, but how exactly do you know her pin has changed? 

I completely understand the distrust after a cheating incident, and I hope I'm not being too abrasive.  Have you talked to her about possibly having an open phone policy?

I didn't go snooping through her phone. She asked me to make a call on her phone for her and it was locked. I kept trying the pin she had told me about. Also before this she would just tell me how to unlock her phone and let me do it myself. This time she straight up took it back and entered it. Plus I noticed she's been chatting with some guy again lately. Hasn't been as affectionate, and no cheating is unacceptable, but somehow I guess I tried to get past it.

Problem is, I'll never be able to trust this person again. It will always be in the back of my mind and I'll always be vigilant of patterns of behavior.

This has happened before. She starts talking to some guy, innocent at first, and next thing you know it's an emotional affair. It even got physical once with some old high school friend of hers.

She can't make friends with other women, so it's always straight guys. Honestly, I meant to kick her out because I overheard her saying she was still talking to one of the dudes she cheated with. But then when I was about to confront her she had an "episode" because she didn't have all her meds and was acting weird. Looking back I think it was just manipulation. She KNEW I was pissed, probably figured acting like a waif would make me all sympathetic. It worked eventually.

In all honesty I'm not even sure I love her anymore. I sure as hell don't trust her.

Hi Vatz!

I don't usually post on the "undecided" board, but saw your name and just wanted to say hi!  I remember your posts from a long time ago.

Of course, now that I've said hi, I have to point out that this statement of your above says it all.  Without trust, you have nothing.  And it's very hard (maybe impossible,) to love someone that you don't trust.

You've been down this road before, why do you think you are "undecided?"

turtle

Hi, Turtle. I remember you, by the way. Well I'm undecided because somehow I'm still debating on whether or not I should leave. You know? Bad as it all has been I don't see my life without her. I don't mean that in one of those romantic ways. I just... .can't see it any other way. I don't see myself with someone else because I guess I can't see anyone actually wanting to be with me or wanting to spend time with me, or having similar interests.

Its not that I'm ugly, boring, unfunny or anything like that... .just... .whenever I picture life with someone else I draw a blank. But all the same I don't really picture much of a future with my current partner. I say undecided also because part of me is always thinking "maybe she'll shape up NOW." Or that my suspicions are all wrong. But... .they haven't been. Not in previous instances.

I'm undecided because I literally have no clue what to do, and if I was to leave HOW I'd go about it.

Neither could I, but so what? It's going to be a whole lot better than what you have right now - and without the misery. And guess what? She has already pictured her life with the new guy and she has him lined up, too.

Do you have a T? Someone you can talk to? You might think about  why you feel unworthy. Have you always felt like this or is it something this relationship has made you feel?  You're not boring, ugly or unfunny so the problem might be your self esteem. These relationships have a remarkable tendency to do that  to us. Don't give up on yourself. You are worth more than that.

Hi Vatz,

I can relate to your situation.

Number one thing is, if your foundation is cracked, how can you support your future?  It sounds like trust is very important to you.  Don't sacrifice that.  You may love her as deeply as humanly possible, but if you can't find that mutual trust, then thats all it may ever be.  Thats not a bad thing either.  To know that you have the ability to love someone in such a selfless, genuine way is something you should pride yourself on.  To have someone that makes saying goodbye so hard is something we forget to be grateful for. 

I have been broken up with my BPDexgf for two months now.  I recently spent time with a few different girls on dates and what not, and all it really did for me was make me miss my BPDex.  I can't picture my future without her either.  I also can't picture myself being as happy with anyone else, or even just BEING myself with anyone else.  However, I never lose sight of how much the trust issues pained me with my BPDex.  Just because I haven't met a wonderful girl yet does not send me running back to my BPDex.  I don't want to go through the uneasiness associated with the infidelity and the lies with her again.  I love her very much, and I am very grateful for my past with her, but I am also grateful that I have stopped trying to build a house on cracked foundation.

Whether you decide to stay or go, give yourself the credit you deserve. Keep your head up! :)