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Does anyone remember the Lord of the Rings, The Eye of Sauron? For me that is what my mother can be.  I don't know if that makes sense. I will explain.

I have been thinking a lot about the dynamics of my family and especially my mother.  I know it is horrible but right now I really have not had to truly set the boundaries or make a stand on Contact. I have changed the way I am around her and said no. This made it so she went to find someone else to focus on. I have 4 sisters, 2 of us used to take the brunt of her attention and "love" and two moved away. Anyway, my youngest sister really has been that person since my son died and she had a baby her senior year in High School. It took the pressure off me somewhat, and that allowed me to fall in to the caretaker role of only being her confidant and "friend" along with her health adviser.  But basically, since dad died she has worn me out completely and that is when I had to say no. Hence my role went to my youngest sister, the confident and "friend" part,  I maintain Health adviser since I am a nurse.

This has actually been wonderful. It has given me space and I do not have to deal with her much anymore.  But my sister is tired of it too and trying to pull away. I did give her Understanding the Borderline Mother to read.  Now the selfish part of me comes in. I am afraid if Shelly does not continue to play the part the focus will come back to me.  So to speak, The Eye of Sauron, not a good thing. It fills me with anxiety. I don't feel strong enough to stand up to it.

My sister and I had been talking lately and she was asking what would happen when my other sister moved back. My response was hopefully the "Eye" will go to her.  I feel bad but it is the best way to describe things. Any suggestions on how to lay the ground rules just in case the "eye" turns my way?   

I'm not the person to be giving any advice. Just wanted to say I'm really sorry that you've gone through all this while also losing a son. Wish I could give you a hug. I understand the Eye. I was hoping a girlfriend of my nephew would catch my sister's Eye, but the girlfriend had enough sense to RUN FORREST RUN as soon as the Eye settled on her. There's only me, so it's now always on me, which I need to change by either going NC or learning SET properly. Is there any way all four of you can learn SET, maybe practice it together with role playing the situations your mom puts you in?

Yes she may well find another to focus on – those with fewer boundaries – this is something your sisters need to manage themselves while you start to take a step back. Mom may try to create drama – again stepping back without reacting or responding is always best – don’t feed the drama.

No good living in fear that sis drops the ball and Mom comes back to you – while there is peace time to brush on your boundaries and what you will do if Mom comes back in contact. This will quell your feelings of anxiety.

Part of our learning is how to manage a BPD parent/loved one however an even larger part is how we deal with our emotions, reactions - we cannot change them -How are you with boundaries and what do you want to protect?