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My BPD ex was the subtle sort, not typical BPD in some ways, in that he frequently expressed his unpleasant feelings and treatment of me in very passive, under-the-radar ways. He was jealous, controlling, envious and resentful of me, but never in a way you could quite put your finger on to call him out on. His rages and lifestyle instability on the other hand--those were 100% typical in your face borderline! But a few months out of the rel, I'm starting to see the subtle ways that he would devalue me.

He could never be happy for me. I had to constantly praise him and pump him up over everything he did. He did something at work--I treated him like he was the most talented employee ever! He wanted to show me some art he made--I told him it was the best thing ever! He took out the trash for me--He was my hero! But when good things happened for me, I got no recognition from him, and now I realize it was really quite mean of him. It kept me off center.

Examples: I got a small supervisory role at work. He didn't congratulate me and in fact said nothing except, "Well, I used to supervise people at an old job." My mom gave me a small but thoughtful gift for my kitchen. He seemed silently resentful over a $20 gift. I spent a fun day with my niece and nephews. He said, "Gee, I would've liked to do something like that", in an unpleasant tone. I showed him some of my artwork. He said literally nothing about it. I cleaned out my car and vacuumed it. Even something as small as this seemed to tick him off! He looked irritated at my clean car and then said, "Well I need to clean my car, too" in an unpleasant tone. As if it was my fault he didn't clean his car, or supervise employees, or get kitchen gifts, or whatever. Like I was a jerk for having anything good in my life and it was MY fault that he didn't.

Is this typical BPD behavior? I'm beginning to wonder if my ex also had narcissistic traits, or if the lack of happiness for me was just another BPD thing.

Sounds  about right. I got the idea she felt she was below me. When she was being nice to me she'd go out of her way to do things for me. Tell me about the great things she did at work, etc... .Basically always trying to impress me. When it came to me she was almost unhappy if anything good happened.

I never noticed all that much. I'm not one that needs much praise.

Hi triangleheart

I am very familiar with this kind of behavior. My exh has according to my T at least strong N traits. So I would say, yes, sounds like narcissistic traits are playing some role here.

Slowly, slowly I start realize that behind the narcissist is a really low self esteem. Its soo difficult to realize this.

Same.

He had a low-skilled job and he was jealous of my higher-skilled and higher-paid work. I was sensitive to this and I always praised his job and I avoided talking about my job. He would ask about my work, but it was obligatory, just making small talk, and he really didn't care. Like your SO, mine would say that he could do my job, or he would make it sound like it was a cakewalk. He was always making comments about how he could do all kinds of stuff.

Yeah, everything my exbf did I felt I had to praise him to no end. Nice job on the yard! Great golf score! You are such a good guitar player! One time he said I don't "create" anything. Meaning I'm not artistic like him. He said this in a tone as if I was lacking or somehow had less than his wonderful abilities.

Also, I was more intellectual than him, more worldly, more well-read, more aware of current affairs, more political, had a bigger vocabulary, and I think he felt he couldn't keep up.

My ex girlfriend never complimented me on things like how i looked or achievement with work ect yet I was always pumping her up trying to make her feel good. It was very one sided but I realise now it is the disorder and even if it wasnt it just means she is a crappy human being... .either way you lose.

To me it's black and white thinking.  A BPD doesn't think very highly of themselves, so they create a fantasy where they are god's gift, the alternative being they are completely worthless, in their own head.  To retain the fantasy we are under continual attack; just a little 'proof' that they aren't as awesome as the fantasy and the whole thing crumbles.  I was looking for a teammate and a friend, no way that can happen with that belief system.

Its funny you should say that I would always find myself saying to my ex "we are supposed to be a team" she just never got that concept.

Mine did always expect to be "super crazy excited" for any news or anything she wanted to share with me. After a stressful day of work and fighting rush hour for an hour and a half just to spend time, it was never easy to reflect being super crazy excited though I may have been happy. It really was like dealing with a toddler. There were times when I actually did feel good and talk about it, and she did seem to have less than positive reactions. I still feel some compassion for her and hope she heals but very happy we didn't marry or have children. I didn't deserve to spend the rest of my life being tortured.

Being a borderline is certainly a part of the narcissism spectrum.

They are woefully low in esteem and worth so jealousy and envy for them are second nature. My ex would do anything for attention. It didn't matter what kind of attention... .negative attention, ego stroking, validation... .anything to make him feel alive. In many ways they are simply so emotionally starved that they'll do anything to keep the focus on themselves.

It's a part of the sickness. They are emotional children and need a lot of attention and praise. I used to think my ex was simply off his rocker when it came to his lack of reciprocity but now I know that it's narcissism it makes all the sense in the world to me. The jealousy naturally arises because any attention that isn't on them is experienced by them as neglect.

With my ex. It was all about him. All the time. All day everyday. And it was exhausting  and self-sacrificing for me because I tried my damnedest to please his insatiable demands. As the relationship progressed my anger and resentment grew in intensity as the gap between the give and take seemed to widen every day.  

It isn't personal. Narcissists treat all people the same and the outcomes are always the same.  It's really sad when you think about it because no one on God's green earth can satisfy a borderline narcissist. They are a bottomless pit of need and entitlement and they leave others feeling drained beyond belief.

Spell

BPDspell, that's correct. And then you after you give them all this adoration and praise, they interpret it as getting too close and then they push away. They want it both ways. Leave them alone, give them everything, leave them alone, give them everything... .

Yep. I am very successful professionally and any promotion or opportunity was unacknowledged by him. Past the infatuation phase he never told me I was beautiful or looked nice.

If someone else praised or complemented me, he'd be resentful of it, yet he made a great show to his friends of his attractive, successful wife.

He was high on the NPD scale, so I guess it figures.

I think the important fact here is that pwBPD really do not care.  If it is not about them... .it is not important.  Period.

It is what it is... .part of the disorder.  Yes, it hurts us, but we cannot change their perception.

In idealization... .Yes.

In devaluation... .No.

The answer takes turns.

Yes/no.

Both.

Which one is real?

Both.

Yes I did and I see it as a form of control - subtle put downs like my clothes, hair, bags - the works... .it slowly sent me further into a tail spin.

I guess the point is - I reacted to his put downs because I did not have the self worth to make a rebuttal. I believed the things he was saying about me.

Ambient abuse is subtle and stealth - and its a form of abuse. This form of abuse says more about them than you. You should be able to spot it next time round cause its a form of abuse that is not automatically recognised.

Don't allow anyone to put you down! Set boundaries.

A rebuttal brought on DEFCON 4. Breathe the wrong way and she was at DEFCON 5 and no chance of backing down.

My spouse was only "happy" for me so long as she could she could see money. Me personally? No. My success was a threat to her.

Depends on how we pose the rebuttal - be defensive and for sure will turn into Defcon 4. Sometimes without knowing it we can make things worse.

However given this is the leaving board and we are attempting to detach - working on our self worth is certainly worth the energy spent.

Oh, mine got really mad if I traveled or did anything fun without him.  He would degrade the activity "I don't get the draw" - and if he went he would sabotage the event- from simple hobby-club activities to large events (like the Endymnium Ball at Mardi Gras).  And it was always someone else's fault why he was having no fun.  He could really suck the air out of the room.

I worked at an establishment, and after I quit my job I ran for the board of the organization.  My hours required of me went from 40 hours a month down to 4.  When the board elections were announced, and I had won, he stormed out of the election party/food/live music celebration.  Of course I let him walk home alone, but still I was wound up by his behavior.  According to him, this was somehow going to take up too much of my time, although you can do the math.  We should have had MORE time together.  Oh, and when I was home and wanting to spend time with him- well, he would leave and go mountain biking, or roller blading.  That was to keep himself healthy for me, he'd say... .

The last 9 months of our relationship were really toxic.  I couldn't figure out why he was so unhappy, why he'd couldn't start and finish projects, why he say one time for dinner but have it ready 30 minutes early and blame me for it being dry and overcooked.  We would be talking about one thing and it would turn into a kitchen sink conversation about some problem that had already been worked through.  I developed alopecia, my hair failing out of 3 different places.  And when I showed him, he got defensive- asking in an accusatory manner if it was hard to live with him.  I tried to stuff my feelings, walking on eggshells all the time. And I was paying all the bills for the last year- he ran out of money twice in 5 years.  When we first starting dating he sold the house he built with his exwife and got a bundle- right before the crash. Quarter of a million dollars.  He went through that in 2 years.  He was lucky enough to inherit well within 6 months of running out of cash- another significant amount.  He ran out of the next bit within a year- he just couldn't manage his spending.  And I couldn't even get this guy to donate plasma to chip in for the bills.  A total waif with narcissistic tendencies.

But out in public, he was very charming and loving.  I couldn't get  grasp on what was going on, and was resentful because he would really talk the talk.  He just couldn't walk the walk.  It's been a little over 2 years since our relationship ended and the outside of his house looks the same as it did when I moved out.  My daughter recently did a drive-by when she was in town before getting shipped out, and she remarked (when I asked) that his house looked like a New Year's resolution.  Like it was started with good intentions... .just incomplete, which we can rest assured that it is not his fault.   

Starshine, yes, in public our exes were Mr. Personality. Mine was able to turn it on. When I told a few mutual acquaintances about our breakup and what he said and did, they couldn't believe it. They were like, he seems so nice! He had plenty of charm, but it was a different story behind closed doors.

Actually, our last fight he showed his true colors in public. He was drunk and we started arguing at a bar in his neighborhood. He got riled up enough to yell at me to eff-off and ordered me to leave. The good thing is there were only three other people in the bar at the time, but I was kind of glad those people saw him fly off the handle. He was thoroughly embarrassed. That was the fight that ended our r/s.