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It is my exUBPDgf birthday tomorrow.

I wish i didnt remember.

My mind is already going on overdrive.

I will not contact her of course.

I just hate the fact that i remember.

I am healing... .

But there are days where i wish i could literally just shut my mind down.

But i cant.

I just have to deal with it.

Its my ex's tomorrow as well. She doesn't deal with birthdays well, dumped me just before mine. Then we got back together until last week, the birthday thing contributed to the last split.

  Ironmanfalls

can you tell a bit more what kind of overdrive your mind is spinning?

And how are things going with your artwork?

Our one year anniversary tomorrow. This is the only one I recall remembering.

Strike,

I am truly sorry she did that you right before your birthday.

I know how hurtful that is.

It makes the pain that much more acute... .

Precisely aimed to inflict maximum damage.

Mine left me 12 days after my birthday(2nd time).

Hang in there strike.

Surnia,

Just my mind bringing up all kinds of scenarios... .

All the things I shouldn't be thinking of... .

What is she doing, with who, and what not... .

I know it doesn't matter at this point... .

Cause she is disordered... .

I accept that.

Just knowing she will not/cannot/does not know/... .

To genuinely have a lasting acknowledgment... .

Of what she did to me.

I don't even know if that even makes sense.

My artwork is still in remission.

But my learning of Japanese is still helping... .

At least.

Takes my mind off of things.

So that has been a positive for me.

My tears have subsided to an extent... .

I do have days though... .

Where they still fall.

And I let them.

I have no desire to contact her.

Or look her up.

So that is a positive too.

11 weeks NC.

My ironman suit is still under repair.

Looking at all the holes it is riddled with... .

Reminds me that I can no longer close my eyes to things I wish to not see.

Willbegood,

Hang in there.

You will get through this too.

Thank you Wishful.

Means a lot.

Willbegood,

Hang in there.

You will get through this too.[/quote]
No worries Ironman! I'm not into dating mentally ill people. Now that I'm aware she is, that chapter is over and starting a new one.

You hang in there too! Hopefully something gets your mind on other things.

After we broke up and I went NC my BPD ex would try and contact me by phone, email, text on significant dates of our relationship, just "coincidentally"; our anniversary, the day we met, the day we consummated our relationship.  My take was she was using the significance of the date as emotional leverage to try and get a response, didn't work, although it did make me halfway expect another attempt on another significant date.

Don't know if yours uses the same tricks, but tomorrow is obviously significant for you; do you have a plan in case it happens?

I'm thinking tomorrow I may take a nap, leave fb and my email open on my computer all day, leave my cell on. I have a long list of things I may do which I wasn't able to do for quite a while.  :)

It makes sense Ironman. Sadly for us, they are incapable.

I have seen that complete blank lack of understanding, comprehension, empathy in the eyes of my spouse right before adding more pain to the pile. There is no recognition of your/ my/ self as entities that experience pain. None whatsoever.

Hope you have planned something fun to do for the day to help take your mind off things.

Silentium,

I am so sorry you experienced that too.

You are right.

They are incapable.

And there is no getting around that.

It is that.

There is no loving someone like that.

They will just destroy you in the end.

That is the price for loving them.

I know that look you are referring to... .

I saw far too much the last few days I was with her on my birthday.

Besides working tomorrow... .

I have nothing planned.

I just want the day to be a blur.

I just have to get through it.

No other choice.

But we did. Silly. The destruction is the price paid. Also, a map to our own frailties whatever they may be.

Round 1 was bad enough. Round 2? Learned about what was BPD, still destruction.

Ironman, call some friends up and head out to a park or any place. Try not to focus on the heart ache. Shopping? Anything.

I need to do same.

Take care.

In bold.

This was my destruction... .

(http://i44.tinypic.com/2nk8doh.jpg)

I will try.

You as well.

I am truly sorry Ironman.

(http://www.ct.shadowtext.net/il/st/se/i38/2/4/17/shadowtextphpechoQuotesAndSayings_e9659ec802006e62473f198e58948630.jpg)

We should not need suits of armor to love another. First error.

Boundaries, yes. Armor? No. The terrifying cruelty with which the BPD wreak destruction when you let them into the inner sanctum of your heart is unbelievable.

Life is short. Spend time with the ones you love and love you.

My boundaries is my armor.

It is how i envision it.

Not to keep people out... .

But to protect me.

To protect my inner sanctum.

We loved them? I'm not so sure about that. We loved the illusion and/or lie they were portraying.

We can also use these birthdays and anniversaries to see how far we've come, to see who we really are and who we'd be if we were with them and the realtionships were on solid ground. Love is strong enough to love even an illusion, but an illusion is not there enough to accept it. It's not a fault of ours to have a memory. It's there to remember the good, and to help us move on from the bad. Every day is here for each of us.

Intellectually, I know you are right. Emotionally? Some days are a really brutal struggle.

Myself,

I failed that test today.

The surge of feelings that overcame me... .

Remind me that all of this... .

That i experienced... .

Was far too real.

Willbegood,

I loved a part of my ex.

The part that was real.

I can never do that again.