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4 weeks after the sudden and damaging breakup with my BPDSO, a little peace has returned.  I've been confined to home with a head cold all weekend, spent most of it alone.  Noticed tonight how calm my home is, the cat sleeps peacefully on the couch, I've slept this afternoon, and managed to amuse myself all weekend.  Yes, I've been checking email and twitter to see if she's contacted me, (she hasn't) and read some posts on this board.  I've ruminated and remembered. Mourned, missed.   But what I noticed tonight is:

1. I'm not on eggshells, anxious any moment I will say or do the wrong thing and provoke a melt down that will destroy my happiness

2. I'm connected with my emotions, real and understandable, uncomfortable at times, but my own

3.  I'm in charge of me and how I feel moment by moment, I'm not being controlled or directed by another person, and her damaged irrational emotions.

4.  I'm not swept off my feet, hyper happy and elated, in a balloon far above the earth.  I'm back on solid ground.   I feel safe.

Progress, small steps, out of the crazy world I visited, back to my own life, my boundaries, my emotional health. My future. 

Great insight, human101, and great progress!

Really good news.  :)

I hope your head cold will get better soon. Give the cat a hug and enjoy the peace.

What a wonderful feeling your post gave me, human101!  Thank you for sharing.  Your description of a safe haven, with a lovely companion of the furry kind, is so comforting. 

Isn't it great that despite physical and emotional discomfort, we can find that safe spot inside of us?

Best wishes for a speedy healing– in every way. 

 

Good to hear this human101!

I'm right behind you! Hasn't even been a week since I finally decided enough was enough and NC. I'm already starting to feel back on solid ground.

I also check my emails. Why I have no idea because whether she messages me or not I'm done with that life.  |iiii

human101 ,

It is nice! I also feel that for two days I have been more or less in peace with myself. I have been crying almost every day for around six months (4 months while communicating with him, 2 months after the breakup), mostly in the mornings.  Was feeling extremely week, a bit like a loser, promising myself not to - and then again, but it has been two or three days that I know that something clicked and I won't be crying anymore. Over :) And this is so liberating!

Hi happylogist.  I'm really happy to hear that something has clicked for you, and you are moving through the healing process. The crying served its purpose I guess, I've cried every day too,  but it's stopped now.  I liked your phrase about feeling liberated. What a great word.  Yes! Freedom from all that pain.  Creating space. Possibilities. Hope you continue to feel liberated. 

Each of the points you list are important and real about how you feel now compared to when you were in the relationship: Eggshell walking, emotional disconnect with your own feelings, and provoked mood swings. That takes its toll. Your mind and body sound like it is getting overdue rest and relaxation.

That a girl.  We are all proud of you and happy for you.