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This is a letter I would write my exUBPDgf on her birthday which I will not send of course.

It will remain in limbo.

In the space between two worlds.

Dear exUBPDgf,

Today is your birthday.

How I wish I could not remember it.

It causes me pain... .

This remembering.

I will wish a happy birthday to the part of you that was real.

Real only in moments.

The rest of you... .

Which you only presented to me... .

Was destructive.

Hurtful.

So while you pretend to show everyone around you how marvelous you are... .

And they will believe you... .

I will always know the truth.

That you are not that person.

Just a pretender.

I tried to help you when you returned to me.

I failed in that regards.

You failed me in regards to as a lover... .

In regards to friendship... .

In regards to all the words you said.

In regards to introducing me into the lives of your 2 sons... .

Whom started to bond with me... .

Only for you to yank all of that away.

You have no idea that you hurt them in the process too.

In regards to everything.

You will never understand any of this.

You cannot see the damage you did to me.

Ironmanfalls

I needed to let that out.

I woke up in tears.

I f¥cking hate this disorder.

Ironmanfalls    You keep on keepin' on.   

Good you're getting it out man, and very good that you're distinguishing between her and her disorder.  I too bonded with her kid, and he too got hurt when we parted; ugly disorder.  And it's cool how much you like your enter key.

Heart,

Thank you.

Fromheel,

I am sorry you went through that too.

Today has been rough for me.

This day needs to end.

I like the enter key cause it keeps my thought process in order as I lay out here.

Makes it easier to read too.

My coworkers are asking me why I look so out of it.

One said, "Ironmanfalls, you look like you are so far away from here... ."

I didn't even respond.

They have no idea.

Its my ex's birthday today too, and Its been a little rocky. Not helped by the fact that she keeps texting and assuming we are back together. Next week is a year since we met. Hope the day goes quickly  |iiii

Strike,

That really sucks she keeps texting you.

Her reality is completely different.

I would probably implode if mine texted me today.

I already know based on previous behavior from her... .

That the day is coming that she will reach out again.

Hang in there.

Thank you.

IMF, I have had an almost identical discussion with my BPDex2(waif), without her being present obviously :-) It helped me, just as I'm sure writing this letter helped you. I feel your pain. Take care.

Here's some hope as you detach: my BPD exes birthday came without much emotional involvement from me, it had been 9 months NC by that point.  What I thought about was what I had learned about BPD, how the disorder gets worse without treatment as they age, not better.  So there she was, a year older; I wonder if the new guy is suicidal yet.  We dodged a bullet folks, even though it may not feel like it yet.  Hang in there.

KE151,

Scary how similar all our accounts are... .

Thank you.

Fromheel,

All the feelings flooded me today... .

Felt like I was back at day 1 of NC.

I had been doing better... .

Until last night... .

As this day approached... .

I literally had to mask my face at work with all my willpower... .

My coworkers all noticed.

Just makes me realize how imperative it is to keep this person out of my life.

The after effects... .

Even 11 weeks later... .

My controlled free fall... .

Turned into a flailing tumble today.

I am not myself today.

Sorry guys for these not so uplifting posts.

Not a good day at all.  :'(

I like your writing style Ironmanfalls-have you ever thought of publishing anything?:)

11weeks NC for me was last Christmas, I can relate.  Hang in there man, it does get better.  I've been practicing forgiving people today, for me, including her, and I've found I can have feelings of love and forgiveness for someone and still keep them out of my life, and that feels pretty good.

Music,

Thank you for your kind words.

Means a lot.

I am not a writer... .

But I do express my thoughts as if I was drawing... .

My artwork is in remission however(I draw people's portraits)... .

Fromheel,

That is what I want to get to.

To borrow from Homer... .

I have to keep my ship out of the surf and spray... .

Or I will plunge into the depths of my destruction... .

Something to that effect.

My tears are getting the better of me.

You are an amazing writer.


This^^^, so true.

Want to smash into earth on the rocks by the shore and let the waves carry my mangled carcass out to sea.

You're welcome :) I noticed it because your writing is quite succinct and visceral really. I tend to write long passages so it's easy for me to spot contrasting writing styles.

With regard to your BPD ex, the only thing I can say is: "this too shall pass". I know it feels like it won't-that it feels unbearable right now however those feelings will eventually ease.

Is there any way you can self-soothe right now? Maybe have a nice shower/bath? Put some moisturizer on? Relaxing music? Go for a nice walk/run? Eat a nice meal? Call a friend? Watch a funny film? etc.

Silentium,

Thank you as well.

You guys are too kind.


In bold.

There was this one picture i had once seen when i used to have my Facebook account... .

That actually portrayed what you wrote above... .

Except the mangled carcass... .

Was washed to shore... .

On rocks... .

And a rose was growing... .

Out of the place where the heart was exposed... .

I can never forget it.


Music,

Relaxing music for now... .

My Japanese language learning will be for tomorrow.

I had to let my tears fall... .

A steady stream of them.

I held them back while i was at work... .

They burst through as soon as i got home... .

I sat and cried.