BPDFamily.com

I don't know where else to turn, so I turn to my family.

We ended a week ago.  I told her not to call me.

She went on a coke bender.

I went out with friends last night and got tired enough I needed a nap.

I woke up to 7 missed calls.  2 from blocked numbers. 5 from skype numbers.

My hands are shaking.  My heart is racing.

This is a terrible feeling.

This is what I feel when I'm in contact with her.

I knew it would come sooner rather than later.

For those that wish for getting recycled, remember this feeling.  I have to remember this when I remember her.  I was never important when my needs weren't getting met.

When her needs are suddenly unmet, my life is torn apart.

But I'm ok.  I didn't pick up.  The universe somehow protected me because I was asleep.  I fell asleep reading this board.

She hasn't changed.  She will not change.  This will continue.  I wish she was better.  I wish I could pick the phone up and hear a person on the other line, instead of a ghost.

I won't do it.

She threatened to send me a video of her hiting the next guy cheating on me with. 

If she does, so help me god, I'll post it to the internet.

She is toxic.  Terrible.  Vindictive.  Horrible.  A succubus.

The best description was put together by my friend who was also left by someone I suspect to be BPD.

Good For Nothing.

Bad Sex.  No emotional support.  No monetary support.  Not the most physically beautiful woman i've ever met.

Can't get sucked back in. 

My life depends on it.

Please reply.  Please tell me I'm ok.  I need support from my family.

I'm just breathing.

QuestioningFaith,

We're here, and we're listening.    I'm sorry, I know it hurts.  You showed a lot of strength by not engaging – it's so hard not to.

I remember the shaking, the heart racing, the anxiety I experienced after the breakup just looking at his website (very bad move on my part) – and I wasn't even getting messages from him!  

Questioning, what I can tell you is: it does pass, it really does.  The beginning is the most difficult, the mind and body are still reeling.  Be kind to yourself, be gentle.  Let your feelings be.  They won't kill you, I promise.  

One day, one minute at a time.  You're worth it.  

What heartandwhole said! Just make it through today. Eventually you'll look back and see how far you've come but it's too early for that right now. 

In bold.

I know that feeling.

When my exUBPDgf came back to me after she left me first time(3months NC)... .

She first sent one text message... .

I almost dropped my phone after seeing it... .

Which i ignored... .

Followed by... .

The next morning... .

17 more text messages.

She provoked me to the point of responding to her... .

Which ultimately led to my... .

Hell on Earth.

Do not reply.

At all.

You are not alone.

Another call this morning at 5AM my time.

Phone was on silent.  Thank God.

I'd pick up if i thought for one second she actually cared about me.

This is not about me.  She wants me to soothe her.

I refuse.  I refuse.  I refuse.

I am not an object.  I am a person.

I have needs.

I will not let them go unmet any longer.

I am important to myself.  The most important thing.

I just find myself angrier and angrier wondering how someone could cheat on a person at least 6 times, I told her to not contact me anymore, and she insists on trying to maintain contact.

The anger is helping me detach.  I see more and more how manipulative and selfish her actions are, disordered or not.

I won't be used.  I won't be played.  I won't be a victim any longer.

In bold.

That is the cold hard truth.

Hang in there.

I know how hard it must be to have those incoming messages... .

Trying to get past your last ditch defense... .

Which is the forcefield of NC.

Stay behind that forcefield.

Got an email now.  A poem.

Expressing her sorrow and regret for hurting me.  And yet, in characteristic fashion it was all abot her.  How much it hurt her to lose me.  Nothing about me.  Not how am I.  No plan of action.  Just boo hoo pity me, I'm hurting (but i bet she already slept with a couple dudes to soothe that pain, surprise! it doesnt work! and I'm not going to sit here and cry and console her)

I am safe in NC.  She can only hurt me if i choose to believe that is how i deserve to be treated.

I'm going to sleep.  peacefully.  alone.  knowing there are people out there that have empathy and respect and love for me.

In bold.

That is the crux of this.

No empathy for you in the poem.

No concern for your well being.

Good that you are seeing it for what it really is... .

And even better that you are not responding.  |iiii

Enjoy your sleep.

Hang in there.

Hang in there!

What you said about shaking when you get her calls. I get like that when my phone rings and its him - its like a snake - I jump, and I push the phone away like its venomous. It kinda is. And I'm still at the point where it triggers all sorts of bad stuff for me.

We still have practical stuff to resolve. If you don't - stay NC - you'll move on so much faster.

Good luck - you're amongst friends here!

Can you block the number?