BPDFamily.com

Hi guys!

To me its an interesting question as my ex has done some suttle snooping of my life on fake profiles and she sent a very plain casual txt asking me for a song a couple of weeks ago... .Anyway i just found out some great news today that I am going to travel overseas and tour for the first time with my music. I'm not famous or anything but its an amazing opportunity and everyone in my town who knows me will find out about it... .

So my question is from your experience is having some success a trigger for a BPD ex to make contact with you or will it further allow them to isolate themselves. I'm only really asking out of curiosity I don't have much of a motive. I'd be lying if i said part of me didn't want her to make contact as there are a few last things I would have liked to have said but for myself not to get a reaction that I would like. Maybe I'm thinking too much... .

Hi Snappa,

First of all - congratulations on your good news! That is exciting stuff!  I wish I could give you a better answer but for my situation - the answer is no.  My exBPDbf left me almost one year ago - Wednesday, October 2 is the "official discard" date. I haven't heard a peep from him except for a brief exchange in February that I initiated due to a financial situation.

I basically had to start my life all over again with nothing except my belongings and my four cats thanks to his cruel actions. But I did it. I moved back to my home town. Established myself in a little apartment. Then found a management position that I've done very well with.  We are both on FB but not "friends". I know for a fact that he keeps tabs on me. My employees post quite a lot on my FB page about our success as a team - so I know he's aware that I'm doing well. However - the Silent Treatment continues.

Wish I could give you more insight on this. But all folks with BPD are not alike. Was it common for yours to be happy about your success in the past? 

No actually she was always down and unhappy with her life (even though i thought she was doing good) Although i never met her she has a non validating mother who allowed abuse and might have BPD herself. Anyway anytime I had good news or was trying something new she never gave me any credit. It was always about her needs... .Apart from in the short idolization period

That's so sad.  Mine "pretended" to be upbeat about things (mirroring my personality), but I began to notice the constant undercurrent of sadness. Never really looking forward to anything !  I think a lot of people with BPD stay chronically depressed and carry around a ton of shame. Plus they really only think about themselves and their own needs.  So to be truly happy and supportive of a significant other's accomplishments would be beyond their emotional capacity, I believe. Unless they benefit from it in some way!   :)

In her rare moments of clarity I can see her heart is genuinely in the right place not just with me but in general but the illness wins and its like she has given up she even said so herself... .My heart breaks for her even though I don't excuse how much she hurt me.

I completely understand what you are saying. I've known my ex since I was fifteen years old. I'm approaching fifty. When we first "reunited" after 27 years - I was shocked by how much he had aged. He was shocked at how much I had not. Well - I attribute his rapid aging to the effects of BPD and his dysfunctional, alcoholic, abusive marriage. I believe both he and the spouse have BPD.

My lifestyle is vastly different from that. He tried so hard to leave so many of his old "habits" behind and live better. He also showed that he does, indeed, have a kind heart - like your ex. Alas - the disorder always wins. I hope you are doing well despite your experience with a BPD disordered person.

Thats very kind of you. Thank you so much and i wish the same for you I'm sorry you have had this experience for so many years but just telling by your tone you seem to be doing well now. I look forward to the day where I have faith in women again :)

I can't say about the contact, we are NC and I do not know whether he checks my FB or asks about me others, but he wasn't very emphatic, though very courteous :) He congratulated me, but with envy!

I assume contacting when you receive good news and do well - might be a way to remind of themselves, to seek validation, on the other hand - being happy actually scares away BPD... .high chances of being refused and also different emotional tunes.   

If she has recycled you before... .

The probability for contact is high.

Trust me... .

You do not want her to contact you.

It is a slippery slope back into the hell you experienced with her before.

A pattern of behavior that does not stop.

Congrats on your good news.   :)

snappa,

From my own experience, I would often see my BPDex go into a panic frenzy after hearing if a past lover or close (ex) friend was doing well. She wouldn't initiate contact but she would tumble back into the depths of her dispair.

My best advice is to tread lightly (no breaking bad reference if you watch the show lol). Try not to put your public life out there too much. The less they know, the better. It's what I've been doing.

Thanks for the advice unfortunately im a public person so that isn't possible but like many people here have said when it comes down to it I can control me... .I guess this question is mainly out of curiosity especially since I havent really been attempted to recycle like many of you here... .

I can understand your situation. I perform as a stand up comedian, and in my city I am doing very well (which means very little except to those that follow comedy in my city). I hope that when I get to the next level my ex wants to say something... .Though as hurtful as it is, I'm pretty sure that even after knowing her 13 years before dating 6 months... .I won't hear from her... .Probably ever. I made a mistake, but as much of us know... .We can't have weaknesses, but they can. There is no gray... .Black or white only. All good or all bad.

I still hope she comes around... .A lot of us do in some way... .But I know she is incapable of meaning what she feels long term. After all, if you "need someone forever" and say that "we are meant to be... .No matter what... .How can we not be?"... .how can you leave them and cut them out completely? How can you believe off one mistake someone is a terrible person? If Dahmer held the door for me I wouldn't think he's a sweet fellow... .But our xpwBPD might.