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My 'BPDwife gave me an Ultimatum about 4 weeks ago.  "Either you only talk with your family when you are in my presence or I am going to make your life a living hell".  I have held my ground about 6 weeks and it has been so hard.  The name calling, the belittling, the yelling and screaming, the kicking me out of the room.  We have 7 kids and they have been seeing it all.  She says by my talking to my family (mother and sisters) then I am putting her 2nd.  I talk with my family about once every couple of weeks.

I am struggling... .do I keep my stance and not give in to this demand or do I give in and wait for the next 'rule' to surface for me to do.

Also what do I do about the verbal abuse. 

My BPDw is constantly verbally abusing me. It has gotten so much worse over the last 4 weeks and will verbally put me down in front of our kids, watching sons football game, etc. There is absolute no control for her.

I dont know what to say/do except... .leave the room, tell her to stop. What are other suggestions. I feel so helpless and dirty and used.

She knows that I don't want to leave our home and kids and is taking advantage of me with that.

Hi All4BVM

I'm sorry to hear that. You say you are struggling. That is understandable, you're under a lot of stress. It's exhausting to be attacked so much and seemingly never ending. But it seems to me, from what you're writing, that you're handling it really well.

You tell her to stop and you leave the room. That's great! Keep doing it. Right now she knows she's not in control of the situation, since you haven't backed down from contacting your family, so she going all in trying to break your boundary of not staying in the room when she yells at you or calls you names. Do you think you can continue to be strong and keep doing what you're doing? It's a good strategy. It just takes time.

Is it possible to to something with the kids maybe from time to time in these situations? Like engage them to go outside to play with you ?

Thank you Scarlet Phoenix,

Yes can take them outside and distract them,  etc.

I do start to 2nd guess myself, thinking that, all I need to do is tell her that I will not talk to my family and she says she will stop.  I have never stood my ground as I have now, but in the same time it has escalated so badly.  I fear that much damage has been done.  I feel good about standing my ground but wondering am I winning the battle but losing the war (that is losing my marriage). 

A 2nd concern is how I feel my 12 year old daughter has been distance since my wife started this last episode back on the 3rd week of August.  She has identified with my wife.  My daughter (who we have communicated great her whole life) has stopped talking to me.  It was only after 4 weeks just she told me she has not been talking with me as she has been mad that my wife and I are fighting.  However, her relationship has not been affected.  My wife actually has really focused on her and given her so much attention since not talking to me. 

Just very sad all the way around. ...

maybe set *firmer boundaries* yes leaving the room is great, get out of the chaos... .but leave for a much longer period of time, just to cool off and have things settle.

Leave for 4 hours if you have to with no contact, maybe setting longer periods of time will help her recognize that you are tired of the way she is treating you and how its affecting your children also.

I cannot even imagine how you feel, with 7 children, that is alot to take in with the verbal abuse, and with the children who probably see alot of this too... .yes, it is unfair.

Stay strong as you can and stay away longer periods of time if that helps.

Dear Vindi,

Thank you for your thoughts and words of encouragement.

Hi there,

I don`t know any of your background but I just wanted to say that you are a very strong man.  It takes a strong person to go down this road with your BPD spouse.  I'm sorry that the kids are experiencing the effects of this though.  That must be so tough.

I started down this road with my husband back in March.  I had spent the previous 3 years caving to every demand that he made in pursuit of peace.  We had gotten to the point where we did not have a single day of peace.  Virtually every morning he yelled at me and told me that I was a useless lazy peace of BLANK.  During that time I was working a high level job (and supporting our family), raising our son, preparing every meal and taking responsibility for every possible thing I could.  Throwing the safety net under him whenever possible.

AND THEN I WOKE UP.  I realized that enabling him was not only a disservice to me, it was a disservice to him.  And it was making things WORSE.  It allowed him to shirk responsibility for himself because I willingly took it on.  And took it on badly.  It was making our lives chaos.

Initially when I started with boundaries I forgot to be loving about them.  I forgot that this would be incredibly scary for him.  Through the last 6 months, I learned about validation, I learned about trying to come out of my shell and be the strong one... .  In a nutshell here`s my journey:

Started with boundaries in March - initially he exploded but then calmed down (realized he wasn't living with a doormat) and things got better.  It was amazing, he was real, kind and loving (of course it didn`t last).

April was one repeated extinction burst after another.  I stood my ground.

May was difficult.  I think that the novelty of the new me wore off.  At one point our son and I ended up in a domestic violence shelter because he told me that if I didn't listen to the verbal abuse he was going to 'cave my head in'.  My stuff ended up in trash bags on the side of the road.  I tried to stand my ground and be really strong and realized that he took that as a threat and kept upping the ante... .so I had to change my tactics a little (when he become deregulated I stopped acting like it didn`t effect me and let him know that it upset me).

June was ok.

July was probably the worst hell I have ever experienced.  Things got BAD.  He did some things to me that crossed lines and I told him that I couldn`t tolerate continuing this journey if he didn`t get help.  I told him that we were nearing the end of our road together if we didn`t take an exit soon.  He cried for about 3 days in a row and told me that he had hit his bottom and that he would change (I was thinking yeah right).

August he started seeing a therapist got referred to a psychiatrist.  I realized that he is probably mildly bipolar in addition to BPD.  But he finally started taking responsibility for himself.

September he continues to be a different man.  He still has outbursts... .but generally talks to me and I try to really listen and be empathetic to how he feels.

Sorry to be so long winded.  My point is that I understand that you are afraid that even if you are winning the battle - that you may lose the war.  I have been there. 

When you are taking stances on boundaries are you developing the loving side of yourself as well (insert question mark - my key board isn`t working lol)... .I didn`t realize how much I had pulled inwards dealing with my husband.  No wonder he felt distant.  The episodes still come.  I hate them but I expect them.  He puts together longer periods of time without an episode.  I think that even though I lose some battles that we are making progress.  Its not a science and its ok to make mistakes.

When I stand my ground on something I`ll generally say something like, I AM SORRY.  I KNOW THAT YOU DON`T LIKE THIS BUT ITS IMPORTANT TO ME and I NEED TO DO IT.  I do it rarely but now he seems to have accepted that if I take a stand then to back off.

One of the more senior members of the board gave the advice

ABUSE leads to BOUNDARIES

DEMANDS leads to DISENGAGING

I don`t have discussions or negotiations when he`s making demands on me.  I disengage and let him know that we`ll definitely discuss later.

I adore my husband.  I truly believe that our bond will get us through this.  I believe that we will never be normal but that we will have a good life and that he is worth it.  Hope my experience helps you... .

Good luck my friend!