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I really need some help; it has been seven month since last email from my BPDex-wife, and her second attempt to contact me since I went NC for 14 months to date. I know it is the best thing to be now but the last couple days was just painful, a wave of emotions took me without any reasons and I started looking for her on the internet. I feel drained , little  sleep for the last couple night, my brain is racing can’t even focus on work , my work is purely mental, I do scientific research and I feel I am incapable of solving a simple equation. I feel regret that I was cold in my response to her last email and I wish I responded warmly instead then my mind tell me that was the best way to respond so no initiation again, well I feel that I am “between the hammer and anvil “ I wonder if this mess will ever go away and I will have a normal life …

Mate, I'm so sorry, but this will probably happen a few times.  It has done to me as well.  Just when I think I'm good, my brain plays tricks on me and starts to 'miss' her.  But those periods do pass, and I personally think NC works for me.  If I were to try and re-engage, it wouldn't lead to anything good... .just more pain.

Hang in there bud, it'll get easier again, but try and do something enjoyable.  Hang out with your friends, or watch a decent show (I just watched series 1 of The Vikings, which was awesome!).  Don't wallow too much... .I know; I've been there.

hi Ketch61!

It IS confusing to be pulled back and forth emotionally, and very difficult to deal with.

Maybe reading this will refresh in your mind the reasons you're having a hard time letting go of the relationship and why it's what you need to do to move on: Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf)

Your post has been moved here to the Leaving board so you can get the benefit of it being seen by the senior members who have loads of experience and knowledge, and the wider membership of the others who have been or are going through similar difficulties.

Have a look at that article I gave you the link for and see if that gives you some perspective on what you're going through right now, I do think it will.

All the best on the learning journey!

Oh i remember that article.  the link, however, does not appear to be relinking.

Ketch:

I know what you mean.  Going thru much of the same thing. 

Seems like my mind and resolve are in a good space and then wallop, there's a lingering, a remembrance type of affective-emotional trigger and a whole schema of "what dreams may come" gets activated... .and our sleep suffers, our concentration suffers, in a way... .in a very indirect passive way we've allowed ourselves to become emotional hijacked, usually i think when paired with a fond remembrance or wishful thinking or neurotransmitted fantasy.

oh and then on top of that the inner dawning recognition of things gone past
as i am about to embark on a meeting/dinner and a calming of the waters from our recent earmarkings of a highly contested divorce to follow.

"part" of me, still thinks i can win.  By win I mean "WIN-WIN", find common higher ground, promote the possibility of more benificial karma, really looking to either detach with human loving kindness as friends that acknowledges "when love is not enough".  I'm sorry, i realize i am starting to steal your thread.  Its so exhausting and uncertain the ground which we once stood upon... .in getting back up on our feet, dusting ourselves off... .

"Between the hammer and the anvil", let me join you there brother... .and become swords of fine steel worthy of a noble samurai, how ever distant or far away

Namaste

We can't live in the past. It's ok to have regrets... .I know that I have many myself.

Ketch61, I know how you feel, wanting to look her up and seeing what she's up to. Did you find it what you wanted to find out? Were you happy for her? What about being happy for yourself? Were you satisfied with what you found out?

Hello Friends, I really need your support, I have tears in my eyes reading your posts especially "Namaste post", to be "swords of fine steel worthy of a noble samurai”.  I could not find anything on the internet, just her name, she have no Facebook or other social media for sure even when we use to be together. Memory just killing me, wanted so bad to reach out to her but fortunately my mind still in control for now? I solve engineering problems every day for living but this problem is like no other I ever seen.  2 emails in 14 months asking how I am doing , those 2 emails made me feel so guilty of not trying again to stay and help (she is waif). I wish she is alright and happy but how do I know? Keep asking myself this question over and over again, we are 2000 mil apart so I really don’t know what is going on with her Hello Friends, I really need your support, I have tears in my eyes reading your posts especially "Namaste post", to be "swords of fine steel worthy of a noble samurai”.  I could not find anything on the internet, just her name, she have no Facebook or other social media for sure even when we use to be together. Memory just killing me, wanted so bad to reach out to her but fortunately my mind still in control for now? I solve engineering problems every day for living but this problem is like no other I ever seen.  2 emails in 14 months asking how I am doing , those 2 emails made me feel so guilty of not trying again to stay and help (she is waif). I wish she is alright and happy but how do I know? Keep asking myself this question over and over again, we are 2000 mil apart so I really don’t know what is going on with her

Ketch;

I'm sorry you are hurting.  Sounds like a severe case of pining, which i can also relate to.  It's tough when we're so conflicted inside... .

our cognitive rational side of the head in our mind
and then our mind starts joining our emotions of longing, fear, regret... .and the panic of desparation.  Not sure if that's your experience but... .like you said:


"If the problem is identified, and positive behavior is consistently implemented and rewarded, success will naturally follow.  IF you cannot do this by yourself, then get help"

What resources are available in your area?

If depressed:  counseling, exercise, not isolating just being around people, not drinking or drugging, eating right, and yup antidepressants... .and rest.

If i may, i would encourage therapy, especially perhaps with someone who has a cognitive behavioral orientation but also understands BPD, co-dependency, and FOO stuff.

Others mention getting support groups thru NAMI.

Or may Alanon, and CODA or more interpersonal support.

Then reading good books.

When i came on this site, i was flooded to the max.  I am still a mess.  My heart is broke.  The life i knew and dreamed of is nearly kaput.

But as my Sensei used to say, its those life's adversities that take that soft metal and pound it into a steel sword.  That is what i thought of when you mentioned the beautiful metaphor "between the hammer and the anvil".

Sorry if i am giving more advice than support.  The monkey mind is a beeattch, if you can stop feeding it... .begin to address our own emotional regulation.   I do best when i meditate first thing in the morning, and eat... .and engage in self-care.  Also, sometimes being on these boards is also kind of a triggering place, we get rexposed to a lot of the bs we endured.

Now my friend, if you may, may you begin to challenge some irrational thoughts, reframe them. and soothe yourself in a healthy manner.  May the befriending of oneself impulse bring you grace thru the sufferring and free from the residual ruminative FOG and guilt you feel.


Maybe just maybe, the person inside of you who went NC and invoked some coldness, needs a pat on the back for protecting you from far far worse than the pining, guilt, and regret which it appears is feeding the misery of compulsion and obessession, and what not, for whatever reason.

Sometimes it is best to be alone.  Rather than in a bad love.

A slow tear for you,

Peace

In terms of reframing and reaffirming that part of you that decided to go NC 14 months ago which you also state knowing is for the best... .

If you want to read some "there for the grace of God go I' posts, check out some the writing by Charred.  I also find clarity from BPDspell.

Good luck in sorting thru the anguish of your inner struggles and conflict.  May you bounce back more resiient, mindful, and humble... .in your time.