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Title: What's the point . . . Post by: drv3006 on October 01, 2013, 03:33:55 PM What is the point of setting boundaries or even sticking up for yourself if it just backfires. If any of you read my post about leaving him at a restaurant Friday I am still sick about that. But I have not heard from him since. However I have a friend of mine helping him with a giant mess he has. And I asked that she continue to help him. I could have told her no and she would not have. They spoke and he is being very nice to her. I know he got home safe now too. However, I have not heard from him since I left him carless at a restaurant. I am trying not to beat myself up over reacting to his belittling me again and again. The last three months I have been just awful I think. But everyday he has been loaded for bear since the day I met him. I just don't get it. I really don't anymore. The more I think about how he takes and takes, the more angry I get. See this is what happens to me. He treats me like poop. I try to be nice and put up with it and then it builds and builds. And all of a sudden I will do something that is out of my normal behavior (like abandoning someone at a restaurant) and I look like the crazy one. I can hear him already. Why put myself through this. I am not married, no kids, no finances with this man. Damn obsession of the mind is all I can say. Thanks for letting me vent. I just hate when I feel so bad about my behavior and they never ever do. Or they do and just behave worse. I can't figure out who is mor nuts him or me.
Title: Re: What's the point . . . Post by: Surnia on October 02, 2013, 12:45:19 AM drv3006
This are some key questions: Why put myself through this. I am not married, no kids, no finances with this man. Could you speak with your T about this? Title: Re: What's the point . . . Post by: Aussie0zborn on October 03, 2013, 05:43:36 AM How did sticking up for yourself backfire? He dissed you, you left him there without a car, you're even. In fact, I would say you are a step ahead by not being with him. You need to decide whats best for you and forget all the peripheral stuff. The quesitons is... .how do you do that.
I left a gf at a restaurent once. She casually mentioned these people with disabilities that she takes on outings. She had never ever mentioned that and she was trying to gaslight me. The story was that a young wheelchair-bound fellow had become infatuated with her. I thought this was all very odd but before I could scratch my head she answered her phone and spent 1/2 hour trying to convince some guy not to kill himself. This wasn't a fellow in a wheelchair so I paid the bill and left while she was still on the phone. That was all good except we went in her car so I was the one who was car-less. She drove past me a good 1/2 hour later. It took her THAT LONG to realise I had left. She was bad news and tried to recycle me 15 years later. You did right to leave him there. What will it take for you to get your emotions back in balance? Title: Re: What's the point . . . Post by: Jbt857 on October 03, 2013, 06:54:25 AM What is the point of setting boundaries or even sticking up for yourself if it just backfires. If any of you read my post about leaving him at a restaurant Friday I am still sick about that. But I have not heard from him since. However I have a friend of mine helping him with a giant mess he has. And I asked that she continue to help him. I could have told her no and she would not have. They spoke and he is being very nice to her. I know he got home safe now too. However, I have not heard from him since I left him carless at a restaurant. I am trying not to beat myself up over reacting to his belittling me again and again. The last three months I have been just awful I think. But everyday he has been loaded for bear since the day I met him. I just don't get it. I really don't anymore. The more I think about how he takes and takes, the more angry I get. See this is what happens to me. He treats me like poop. I try to be nice and put up with it and then it builds and builds. And all of a sudden I will do something that is out of my normal behavior (like abandoning someone at a restaurant) and I look like the crazy one. I can hear him already. Why put myself through this. I am not married, no kids, no finances with this man. :)amn obsession of the mind is all I can say. Thanks for letting me vent. I just hate when I feel so bad about my behavior and they never ever do. Or they do and just behave worse. I can't figure out who is mor nuts him or me. The philosopher Alain de Boton tweeted something that I remembered when I read your post: beware the viciousness of the normally shy and meek at rare moments of self-assertion and anger. You hit a limit. You were full and you reacted in a way that most people would when they have had enough. Just you don't do it very often and when you do, it's out of character and so you feel bad about it, because it's not your norm. You didn't over react. You just acted out of your usual character. You asserted yourself, not just over that moment in time, but over the culmination of all the things these people do to wear us down. It was a straw that broke the camels's back. Of course, he's going to make you pay for that by his silence. He knows how tortured that will make you feel, and believe that you deserve to feel that way for daring to stand up for yourself. Don't feel bad about it. Don't beat yourself up. You acted the way any normal person does when they have reached a limit. You only left him at a restaurant. There's plenty worse you could have done. Give it time. He'll be back. Be ready to hear about how awful you were for daring to do that to him. Get some clarity. What you did wasn't terrible. It was perfectly justified. Title: Re: What's the point . . . Post by: drv3006 on October 03, 2013, 08:54:41 AM Thanks everyone. He is still not calling and I am not either. The quiet is even scarier. Usually something like this would required a good lashing from him and then anything else he can throw into the mix. And I mean anything. But I am sure you all know. The silence I think is uncomfortable. I am kinda scared. I don't even know why. I do see my therapist next week. I am trying to eat better now since I seem to have put myself into a sugar party. My number count is high so they are sending me to dietician to eat better. Diabetes in the family you know. Just gonna try to talk care of myself. Personally if he stayed away I probably would never consider going back. He did this last year. October is my birthday so I never heard from him to Valentines day. How romantic Stupid me thought so then. I still kinda think its jerky to abandon someone who has abandonment issues. But I did it and I am gonna have to let it go. As a friend of mine says, "Its not like you told him you were going to the potty and never came back" I just said goodnight and left. Thanks again.
Title: Re: What's the point . . . Post by: Surnia on October 03, 2013, 10:38:51 AM Hi drv
I feel sorry about your health issues - and yes, its a good plan to eat healthier. |iiii As for the silence, perhaps you need some time to get used to it again... .its different than all the BPD drama. Title: Re: What's the point . . . Post by: AliveButBeatup on October 03, 2013, 11:33:52 AM Excerpt You hit a limit. You were full and you reacted in a way that most people would when they have had enough. Just you don't do it very often and when you do, it's out of character and so you feel bad about it, because it's not your norm. You didn't over react. You just acted out of your usual character. You asserted yourself, not just over that moment in time, but over the culmination of all the things these people do to wear us down. It was a straw that broke the camels's back. Of course, he's going to make you pay for that by his silence. He knows how tortured that will make you feel, and believe that you deserve to feel that way for daring to stand up for yourself. Don't feel bad about it. Don't beat yourself up. You acted the way any normal person does when they have reached a limit. You only left him at a restaurant. There's plenty worse you could have done. Give it time. He'll be back. Be ready to hear about how awful you were for daring to do that to him. Get some clarity. What you did wasn't terrible. It was perfectly justified. Thanks so much for posting this. It really struck a chord with me. I have reached my limit the last few days and feel crummy about my response. Your posting helps put things in perspective. |