Print Page - Will you tell us more about yourself?

We are happy you are a reader and member of the Parenting a Son or Daughter with BPD Board. As a virtual family here, the more we know about each others' needs the more valuable and supportive a resource we can be to one another.

Below is a questionnaire that can help us be more equipped to offer comfort, support and insights. Just like the family we are... .

What type of relationship are you in?
Parent? Step Parent? Grandparent?
What is the age of child/teen/adult?
Living at home? Living on their own?

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?

What is your child's strongest quality?

What are the top challenges your child is facing?

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
(BPD, ADHD, PTSD, ASPD? Anxiety? Depressed?
Substance Abuse? Self-Harming? Other?)

What do you struggle with yourself?
(Traits of a disorder? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?
Enabling? Depression? PTSD? Anxiety? Other?)

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parent(s)?
If so, what type(s)?
(Individual? Group? Family?
Dialectical Behavior Therapy? Other?
AA, Al-Anon? Residential Treatment Center?
Dual Diagnosis? Intensive Out Patient?)

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Copy the code below, open a new post in this thread, paste in the code, and put your answers where it says ANSWER HERE (overwrite on "Answer Here", and then post it. We are looking forward to your story!

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[b]What type of relationship are you in?[/b]
 ANSWER HERE
 
[b]Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?[/b]
ANSWER HERE
 
[b]What is your child's strongest quality?[/b]
 ANSWER HERE
 
[b]What are the top challenges your child is facing?[/b]
 ANSWER HERE
 
[b]What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?[/b]
 ANSWER HERE
 
[b]How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?[/b]
 ANSWER HERE
 
[b]What do you struggle with yourself?[/b]
 ANSWER HERE
 
[b]Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types?[/b]
 ANSWER HERE
 
[b]What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?[/b]
 ANSWER HERE
 
[url=https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210524.0][b]TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE[/b][/url]

What type of relationship are you in?
Biological Mother to a 17 year old daughter. Dad and I marred 18 years and still going strong.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
I believe that my sister has traits of the disorder. My stepson 35, has strong NPD traits as well as PTSD as a war veteran. Stepdaughter 24 suffers from depression (diagnosed) and late Mother in law suffered from Depression and more.

What is your child's strongest quality?
She is kind, caring and generous with others in need. She is witty and interesting to talk to.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Living a balanced life. Learning to do what must be done through radical acceptance. Current Situation: Dealing with the fact that her Dad has stage 4 cancer.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
Motivating her to take care of her responsibilities and live a more balanced life.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
She was diagnosed with ODD at age 10, MDD and emerging BPD at age 12, and "borderline" ADD at age 13.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Self diagnosed with an emerging anxiety disorder when I first arrived at this site.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
Family therapy, Outpatient for 2.5 years including a DBT component. 10 months in RTC (child) with high level of family involvement that included: equine, individual CBT with a DBT skills component and Positive Peer Culture Group peer accountability program. 50 sessions of Neurofeedback Therapy after RTC. No one in the family is currently in a therapy program. We ARE living the skills we have learned.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
To be a continuous source of support, knowledge and hope to other parents

What type of relationship are you in? Married to my BPD step-daughter's Dad. I got involved with him when she was 13/14. I moved in with them in 2007 and DH and I got married this year in May. DH was a widower when we met, step-daughter's Mom died when she was 12/13. I was also widowed when we met, have one daughter, 28, who has never lived with us as she was older from the beginning of our relationship (in college and then on her own).

SD is now 22. SD lived with us until she was 19.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?

Dysfunction in SD's family of origin but I don't see any personality disorders. Lots of addiction problems. Her Dad, my DH, has "mild" OCD

What is your child's strongest quality?

The thing I like most about my SD is who she really is. Her personality disorder keeps her from living authentically, as the loveable, genuinely funny and likeable person she really is. I think a lot of people she deals with are at first charmed then very put off by the way she acts. It's hard to explain but the core of her is unacceptable to her and she works to hide that person but it is the part of her where I see REAL VALUE and find real connection. Plainly put, she acts fake... .and sadly the real deal is just so fantastic and it is such a waste not to be able to enjoy the authentic person. And I just dislike the fake person SO MUCH. I feel like the fake has buried the real person.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?

Sobriety- she has been sober over 2 years and is involved with AA.

Interpersonal relationships- she is a true mess as regards this.

Gaining greater mastery of Fear and Anxiety

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?

Her deflections to silliness when we need to have a serious talk OR when/if she gets uncomfortable with level of warmth and connection in a conversation she will also deflect to silliness.

Her lack of ability to take responsibility. She is big on blaming everyone and everything.

My worries over her cycling. Always a little wasp inside my head. Bzzz sting bzzz sting. What next? Bzzz sting.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?

Both? Her therapist told me she was BPD when she was 16. Later, in a an emergency session (after she was caught overdrinking and drugging with Xanax) when her Dad referenced BPD, this same therapist said, "I don't know who diagnosed her as BPD. I don't think she is, (and he described BPD in the most extreme terms, violence, eating disorders etc) and she was too young to diagnose her as teenagers are generally not diagnosed because personality hasn't fully developed during teen years." She was 19 at the time of this conversation.

What do you struggle with yourself?

I struggle with how fake I feel when I interact with her fake persona- a struggle for authenticity I suppose.

I have taken on a lot of responsibility for helping my SD and struggle with whether or not this was a good decision- my health has suffered, my relationships with others had been somewhat put on a back burner through the worst years and some didn't recover.

I struggle with finding a good equilibrium of a combination of skills- of radical acceptance for myself, helping her Dad to see when he is enabling without being a nag or with myself possibly not being generous enough towards her because I'm upset with her or hurt by her behavior

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?

If so, what types?Currently none of us are in "therapy". She quit at 20 when we made her responsible for her own co-payments. We quit when she was 19. DH and I go to al anon meetings about twice a month. She goes to AA meetings on a mostly daily basis unless her new job conflicts with this. I've gotten more out of al anon than therapy.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To support those who are struggling, to get validation that using skills helps to improve my situation, to share and to continue to have a safe place to vent.

What type of relationship are you in?
Biological Mother to a 14 year old daughter. Divorced her father 4 years ago and am married almost a year to a wonderful and supportive man. Daughter and stepdad got along beautifully up until a year ago when he began asserting his authority.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
While not formally diagnosed, my niece has traits as does her bio mom.

What is your child's strongest quality?
My DD is beautiful, smart, funny, caring, loyal and protective of her friends, affectionate when not in crises.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
As of late, staying out past curfew. She hasn't been home by the time I got to sleep so our interactions have been minimal which on one hand is nice, but on the other, she isn't following house rules. Staying out past curfew, if coming home at all, verbal abuse, substance abuse, promisciousness (sp?)

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
Stopping the verbal abuse, following house rules, being responsible.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
She was diagnosed with ADHD at age 8, ODD at 12, and "traits” of borderline at age 13.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Anxiousness.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
DD sees an in-home therapist for 2 hours weekly.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
To get some pointers on how to address certain issues and live harmoniously with a child with BPD.

What type of relationship are you in?
BioMother of a 16 daughter... .married 21 years... .older daughter 18 is at college and no longer in our home.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
No one else has been dx... .depression runs on both sides of our families. My husbands mother was hopitalized many times for depression and I really can't get any answer from that side of the family. They tend to think that she took too many meds and that she wasn't sick at all.

What is your child's strongest quality?
She has a good sense of humor. Once she puts her mind to doing something nothing can stop her. Like learning to serve overhand in volleyball. She went and practiced all day until she got it right. She is very caring and kind to elderly people. She is not afraid to stick up for her friends and will defend them to the end.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
her top challenge is school... .she struggles partly because she finds it hard but mostly because she doesn't do the homework. When things are really bad she struggles with taking responsiblity for her actions. I feel she still feels it is everyone else who has a problem. If we just left her alone things would be great.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
I guess riding the rollercoaster of emotions. The mood shifts. Her depression. When she is disrespectful and rages.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
She is undiagnosed but her P thinks she is or at least at one time they did. She is not showing many traits right now so I am not sure she would qualify. Seems that some of these traits are dormant and I still think they are there and can emerge at anytime.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I struggle the most with saving her... .I find it hard to watch the car wreck and not try and stop it. That is the way I feel most days. I am an observer and that is the hardest thing to deal with.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
My daughter has DBT therapy every week. She was going to group but recently stopped because she didn't like it and it was stressing her out having two appointments every week. Our family also goes to family counseling.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
I don't have any goals... .I try to come here to offer support when I can. If things are really bad I might post but I have been spending less time on the board just trying to reserve my strength to deal with my daughter's issues. This board has meant so much to me and has helped me in so many ways but it is hard to come here everyday. It leaves me sad to read some of the posts and how hard some are struggling. AT times I feel I am not able to give advise... .I feel I am struggling to help my own daughter and at times not doing a very good job that I hesitate to give advise based on my failures.

What type of relationship are you in?
Parent, married with 2 sons, 36 & 34 (the older--unmarried--one is the reason I am on this site), one daughter-in-law, one baby grandson.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
My son's Dad (my husband) has BPD traits, and my Mother-In-Law is uBPD.

What is your child's strongest quality?
I like that he is optimistic that he will recover from his many troubles; I think he is a wonderful artist and writer; he is kind and funny and very intelligent.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
ADD, Depression, Hyperactive Thyroid, Social Anxiety, staying sober from long-term drug use, past Suicidal Ideations. He is now at the stage of learning how to deal with his sadness and frustration over his past troubles; getting to "normal."

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
He still has Low Functioning BPD behaviors: Wanting to "nest" to be safe (I think he fears relapse); sleeping too late; staying up too late at night; being fearful of getting out in the world; lack of self-confidence in his talents and ability to make it on his own. I would like him to someday be able to support himself.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
He is diagnosed with ADD, Depression, Social Anxiety, Hyperactive Thyroid & BPD.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I need to fight my tendency to enable him, and to be co-dependent. I need to be stronger with my radical acceptance that he may never be the person I envisioned he would grow up to be, when he was little.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
My son: Out Patient for substance abuse; Psychiatrist for ADD, Depression, Suicidal Ideations, Anxiety; Neurofeedback Therapy for everything. I am seeing a Therapist in order to deal with it all.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
I need to be stronger in my all around emotional life to be there for my family. I need to continue to learn what I can in order to be a good coach for my son and husband, so we can continue to live in harmony. And I enjoy giving back to this community that has helped me and my family make it to this relatively happy point. I continue to believe in the Tiny Little Changes that will help us to a good future.

What type of relationship are you in?
I am the mom of BPDDD27, and have permanent custody of gd8 who has always lived in our home.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
Only DD27

What is your child's strongest quality?
DD has a big heart and lots of compassion, when she is able to express this; she loves her dogs and cares for them when she is regulated.
Gd loves living things of all kinds and gets great joy in sharing this with all of us; she has a natural curiosity for learning; she is very loving and affectionate with me.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
For DD: Housing and disability income to pay rent; learning job skills and living skills - she is getting some of this in jail right now; getting and keeping a job - she does have a goal now for what kind of job she wants; being a participant in our family in a safe and consistent way. Substance use/abuse as self-medication. Finding peer support to keep on her probation.
For gd: dealing with her anxiety/trauma; having success in school and with friends in neighborhood.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
DD and Gd staying calm in the face of angry behaviors - regulate myself to be able to use my skills for validation and boundaries consistently.
Gd: Keeping my priorities focused; gd's needs for safety come first.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
DD: dx of BPD at in 2009 at age 23. Also dx panic disorder, depression, ADD, Non-verbal LD
Gd: dx ADHD, anxiety/trauma in 2012 at age 7

What do you struggle with yourself?
Managing my own emotional volatility - staying regulated; willingness to do my self-care stuff consistently; listening sincerely to others in all my relationships, not giving up on life in general.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
DD: very resistant to anything she views as mental health treatment or drug/alcohol treatment, though both are court ordered. DD has asked me to do therapy with her - I am open to this. Has not been too successful in the past.
Gd: play therapy, family therapy with me. Dh and DD have declined to participate in family sessions.
Me: individual therapy for my PTSD issues, mindfulness practices, managing boundaries with all my relationships - family, neighbors, work.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
To learn the skills needed and apply them consistently in my life; to get support to stay on track when things are really hard; to be able to give back to the community in constructive ways

What type of relationship are you in?

Mother of DD28; married 31 years to DD's father; DH is good man and father, supportive of my struggles with DD but is extremely negative and miserable to be around in general; emotionally detached from the marriage years ago and would prefer to be single but not sure I would be better off without him.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?

no one

What is your child's strongest quality?

generous, creative

What are the top challenges your child is facing?

avoiding/causing drama; lying; blaming others; being a victim

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?

Being careful not to set her off, accepting that the relationship has to be superficial and that our conversations must be all about her

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?

DD refused to return to a therapist she was seeing at age 18. This therapist told me she believed DD had BPD.

What do you struggle with yourself

Wanting a relationship with my daughter that I clearly cannot have, staying strong with boundaries and basically staying out of her way to I'm not the target anymore.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?

If so, what types?

Minimal therapy for DD when she was 16-18. None for me as insurance doesn't cover it. :)H does not believe in therapy. Have considered local NAMI group but afraid of consequences if daughter finds out.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn skills to deal better with daughter and have a peaceful relationship with her

What type of relationship are you in?

Married to Aspergers/ADD husband for 19 years and have 17-yo BPD daughter.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?

No other family member has BPD diagnosis. At least, none we know of.

What is your child's strongest quality?

She is blessed with so much raw artistic talent, I am in awe. (I have a bachelor's in art myself and her talent blows me away.) Her depth of emotion and high sensitivity make her extremely compassionate when she wants to be.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?

Regulating her intense moods. She has no dimmer on her emotions.

Organizing in general. She can't manage time and can't keep her room clean or finish any task to completion to save her life.

Executive function. She has trouble remembering and maintaining day-to-day activities, like taking BC pills every day at the same time, doing all phases of laundry from start to finish (wash, dry, fold, put away), managing money, managing study time and school assignments, remembering appointments, etc.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?

Her mood swings, especially rage that is directed at me. I also find it difficult and frustrating to learn how she has misunderstood, made up, or twisted things I've said so that I am perpetually the bad guy, no matter what I do. She is the master of the double-bind... . ":)amned if I do and Damned if I don't." "I need you. Go away!"

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?

She has been diagnosed with AD/HD, polycystic ovarian syndrome, and BPD and/or Histrionic Personality Disorder. When she isn't suffering from some new emotional trauma or hormone fluctuation, she has strange physical pains and symptoms that usually have an emotional cause. (Absance seizures with no neurological cause, paralysis & nerve impairment, again with no neurological cause, intense pain with no apparent cause, injuries with symptoms and pain that are not related, etc.)

What do you struggle with yourself?

Depression and low physical energy. I'm also peri-menopausal, which is some joke when dealing with my very moody BPD teenager!

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?

If so, what types?

We've all been in individual and family therapy since our daughter was about 8 years old. We've worked with Transactional Analysis (TA), Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Cognitive Behavior Therapy, and more. My DH and I also participated in Lifespring (personal effectiveness workshop) before we were married. It was very effective in setting the stage for faster therapy work.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn better skills in dealing with my BPD daughter, to connect with other non-judging people who understand what I'm going through, and to be there with my empathetic ear for others.

TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210524.0)

What type of relationship are you in?

I am the biological mother of a daughter, 30 years old with BPD, ADD, PTSD depression and anxiety

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?

I have no knowledge of any other members on either her fathers side of the family or my own

What is your child's strongest quality?

She is firecly loyal to friends, and when she is not in crisis she has very big heart

What are the top challenges your child is facing?

She is crippled with fear over everything, she panics about sending her son to school, she is unable to work due to her anxiety, she is afraid to be alone

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?

I have a hard time coping with the rages, I am the target 95 percent of the time, and although I know it's her BPD and not her screaming the ugliness, I still have the hardest time with that and using skills I am just learning those.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?

diagnosed

What do you struggle with yourself?

I become depressed and anxious when she is in crisis, otherwise I struggle in communicating correctly with her

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?

If so, what types?

she has just started DBT therapy and I have just discovered a NAMI group here locally

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I am hoping to gain knowledge and support along with potentially helping somebody else

TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210524.0)

What type of relationship are you in?
Parent to daughter

What is the age of child/teen/adult?
33 years old

Living at home?
No - thank goodness

Living on their own?
Yes, although has been mainly in psychiatric hospitals or just hospital for the past 8 months. Is currently back at her home.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
Nobody

What is your child's strongest quality?
Intelligent and articulate

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Stopping self-harming and overdosing
Managing money
Addiction- mainly prescribed but others
No judgement regarding what constitutes appropriate relationships
Facing disciplinary actions from employer

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
Getting her appropriate treatment in the UK
Dealing with the threat of her harming herself
Sometimes dealing with her dishonesty

How would you categorize your child?
Diagnosed BPD
plus
Substance Abuse/addicitions/depression etc etc

What do you struggle with yourself?
Knowing what to do to help her. Not saying things that trigger her anger, either aimed at us or herself. Anxiety and grief. Enabling.Supporting my family while BPDs lives at home

Is anyone in therapy?
Daughter is awaiting (finally) start of therapies. Keeps getting told that she needs a period of stability in order to get onto even the waiting list for them but can't sustain a period of stability because hasn't got the coping skills grrrrr.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
Already been achieved in that I no longer feel so isolated with the above problems and have been reading up on all of the lessons etc which I am finding very helpful.

What type of relationship are you in?

Parent of a young adult daughter 19 recently diagnosed with BPD traits and abandonment issues

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?

My older sister may have had it but was never diagnosed. She left home at 16 and had many issues as she got older

What is your child's strongest quality?

She can be kind and very social.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?

In November we bought her a car, enrolled and paid for an Esthetician school and in the first week of school she left home and did not come back. So no car and no school. We spent many years dealing with her rollercoaster of emotions and bad behavior. It seemed like each year the situation got worse and worse. She was also smoking pot against our wishes and said she does this to help her cope with her emotions, which believe gets worse with the drug use. She would hang out with bad crowds. We knew none of her friends and those that we did were almost all bad influences as she broke every rule known to parenting. She couldn't keep a job. There was always someone at work who had it in for her. She had a BF who cheated on her and she refused to let that relationship go although he made it clear that he was done with her. Since her 18th Birthday she has continued contacting him and allowing him to use her every now and then, even getting an STD from him. It was treatable however upsetting that she is doing this. She has also been in and out of other relationships. Currently she is living with someone she just met who is controlling, manipulating and hitting her and she doesn't want to leave or feels she cant. She has called twice saying she wanted to come home and then changed her mind within the hour. She doesn't know what she wants but she is getting nothing with this guy. He has broken her phone, tossed her drivers license and has even broken her glasses and she is visually impaired. With all that being said and done to her she wont leave.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?

I am being blamed for her behavior. She shuts me down if she feels I am getting annoying to her. Its frustrating. I cant explain my concern without a negative reaction or hearing the words "I know". It concerns me that there is a lack of insight and accountability for what is happening to her, her actions and consequences. She wont admit her own actions and how it affects everyone. Her reactions to everything is either hot or cold. Its like dealing with a firecracker. She often lies and tries to manipulate as well. Threatens to kill herself. Often says we are better off without her. She is very difficult to talk to gets very distracted

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?

In her JHS years she was originally diagnosed with ODD, however in her older teens, she is 19 now she was diagnosed with BPD traits and having abandonment issues

What do you struggle with yourself?

I have a lot of anxiety, worrying if she is safe. I have high blood pressure that I recently started taking pills for. I am in MC with my husband to help us cope with this and better understand how to deal with our D. I find that I am becoming unmotivated and this affects everything i need to do for myself. I want to be able to communicate better without a negative reaction from my D

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?

My H and I are in MC counseling to help cope with these issues. My daughter used to go but stopped last year

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To help me better understand how to deal with my D. Convince her to come home and get the therapy she needs to get her life together

TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210524.0)

What type of relationship are you in?

I am the mother of a 15 year old daughter with BPD. I also have an 18 year old son with traits of BPD and a 17 year old son with BPD

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
I do not know much about their family history because they are adopted. We know their parents had mental health issues.

What is your child's strongest quality?

Compassion for people outside the home

What are the top challenges your child is facing?

trying to do anything about high school and relationship issues

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?

The way she treats me and others in the family. The fact that she wont do anything to help herself

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?

She is not officially diagnosed. The therapist said they could not make it official until she is 18 but she exhibits 9/9 of the diagnostic criteria.

What do you struggle with yourself?

ANSWER HERE, but do not remove ---> Keeping my own emotions in check when she is attacking or raging or crashing

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?

If so, what types?

ANSWER HERE, but do not remove ---> I am in individual therapy. She is also in individual therapy.
- What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
  RE, but do not remove --->
ANSWER HERE, but do not remove --- I need support. I just dont know what to do.

TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210524.0)

What type of relationship are you in?

Father of a 15 year old daughter, sole physical and legal custody.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?

Her mother, possibly her older sister (from her mothers first marriage). Her mother was adopted, so no other info is available

What is your child's strongest quality?

She is extremely intelligent, can be very personable, very talented, i.e. voice, various instruments, and without this condition could probably be anything she wanted to be.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?

Her top challenge is school... .she struggles partly because she finds it hard but mostly because she doesn't do the homework. When things are really bad she struggles with taking responsibility for her actions. I feel she still feels it is everyone else who has a problem. If we just left her alone things would be great. She also has some problems struggling with her mother's mental illness and alcoholism.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?

Her emotional immaturity.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?

Diagnosed a year ago.

What do you struggle with yourself?

I'm an older parent with no siblings, and her mother is worthless so I'm having to handle this by myself, with the help of some good friends. Dealing with this kind of thing can suck the life out of you sometimes.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?

If so, what types?

Yes. She has a DBT weekly session, and both of us just finished the year-long group DBT sessions. Both have been beneficial for both of us. She just started an after-care DBT group for adolescents.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To exchange information, to see how other parents are handling things. One of the best things I got out of group was to meet and compare notes with the other parents

TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210524.0)

What type of relationship are you in?

Married mother of a 19 yo daughter with BPD, 1 older daughter, 4 stepchildren.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?

Knowing what I know now, I believe my bio-mother has BPD.

What is your child's strongest quality?

She is extremely loving.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?

She's struggling trying to gain independence.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?

I hate that I have to question everything she tells me.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?

Diagnosed although I'm told her file has it worded to say BPD hasn't been ruled out. Which apparently is how they diagnose without diagnosing?

What do you struggle with yourself?

Balancing boundaries with guilt.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?

If so, what types?

I have been in individual therapy (and am starting again next week). My husband and I have done couples therapy, my daughter is in therapy, my youngest stepson is in therapy, and we've all done family sessions.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn how to live this new life.

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What type of relationship are you in?
Mom to BPD daughter, 25 years old.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
No other known BPD family members. I'm adopted so have no family history.

What is your child's strongest quality?
She is creative, passionate, a loyal friend (for as long as the friendship lasts), and, even though it's a negative quality, she's a great manipulator.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Emotional dysregulation, addiction to "screen time," expecting me to rescue her as I have done all her life but it's the thing I'm currently working hardest as changing.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
I struggle with validating her and not taking things personally. I get frustrated that she doesn't appear to be doing anything to help herself.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
Diagnosed.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Depression, co-dependency, shame, guilt, self-hatred.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
We are in family and individual therapy.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
To further educate myself, to get support so I'm not draining my best friend, to learn coping skills and how to better relate to my child.

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What type of relationship are you in?
Mother to 27 year old daughter, single parent, only child, still living at home

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
No one that I know of

What is your child's strongest quality?
Creative, artistic and caring

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Depression, mood swings, panic attacks, anxiety, bulimia, cutting, suicide attempt, empty, fear of abandonment, the overwhelming and unbearable pain that she wants to stop, right now.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
Her pain. The uncertainty what tomorrow will bring. We enjoy a respectful and loving relationship. She rages against herself, internally.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
Diagnosed July 15

What do you struggle with yourself?
I'm naturally an optimistic person but for once in my life I'm struggling with keeping a positive outlook and that's because I'm scared for her and the future, it's been a really hard year

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
Daughter has been attending a weekly 2 hour 'bridging support group' since beginning of December as there is a 1-2yr waiting list for DBT. She arranged CBT therapy for 5 months early this year, but gave it up as it did not provide her coping skills, it just opened her up and left her in crisis.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
To learn and provide support to others. To regain an optimistic and confident outlook. To learn so I can provide appropriate behaviours to better support my daughter.

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What type of relationship are you in?
Married 32 years and going strong.

Parent? Step Parent? Grandparent?
Mother

What is the age of child/teen/adult?
25, son

Living at home? Living on their own?
Yes. We live in the UK. Has lived away three times - always fails

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
Nobody

What is your child's strongest quality?
Amazing Social skills and has the ability to connect to most people when he chooses. Makes friends easily.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Anxiety. Being independent, getting a job, managing money, dope. Self esteem.
Fear of life constraining job (growing up)
Managing money
Addiction (he loves drugs) but keeps to weed now
Too demanding in girlfriend relationships (he's intoxicated)

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
Lies. Refuses to take responsibility for himself. Mood swings, self pity.
Trying to get him to live independently and take responsibility for himself
Getting him into treatment in the UK

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
Diagnosed BPD
Anxiety, Substance Abuse
WEED, has experimented with lots of drugs for 7 years but now tries to limit it to marijuana.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Enabling, Anxiety.Fear of the future, his and ours. Can we see him homeless?
Low self esteem, over reliant on others, anxiety, irrational fears ranging from hot drinks to work (getting a job)

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parent(s)?
BPDS Waiting for appointment in the UK

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
Somewhere to off load when I cant cope. Learn from others. To hear others experience to help me make better decisions. To support us when/if we have to throw BPDs out. Share with others my own experience

What type of relationship are you in?
Divorced Father of 33yo daughter with BPD

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
No one else I know of

What is your child's strongest quality?
She actually is a prolific and creative writer. Has a degree in English along with one year of Grad School. Also loves animals.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Staying sober and the ability to take care of herself. Also difficulty with all relationships.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
She plays the victim and is very angry with her parents. Presently wants nothing to do with us. Does not understand reason we have finally pulled back (heroin use and to finally learn to take care of herself).Has sent many hate texts in the past. She also has come between myself and my fiancee.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
I am not sure she was ever officially diagnosed by the many therapists she has had (they do not like to label people BPD) but she fits ALL the criteria in the DSM-IV diagnostic book

What do you struggle with yourself?
My want to have a good relationship with her while she constantly relapses or pushes us away. Fear that she will never move ahead in life and be independent. I have got depression now from all of this and never had it before (except during divorce years ago). Exhausted from the many years dealing with this. Codependency.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
Daughter has been in the past but now refuses (denies she has BPD). I have been seeing a therapist over the past year.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
Being able to connect with others who are dealing with the same difficulties as I am. Being supported and getting advice.

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What type of relationship are you in?
Mother of 35 year old daughter with undiagnosed traits of borderline personality disorder.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
I have come to the sad realization, after years of observing us as a extended family most if not all of us have traits of a personality disorder, Borderline or Narrasistic traits primarily. One aunt has obvious, full blown Borderline Personility disorder. My grandma, mom and I have many traits of borderline Personility disorder.

What is your child's strongest quality?
Her love, her passion

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Social pressure, she wants so badly to fit in, be like others, "normal" . Self Hatred, she says if she goes to counsling she wants help with shame and guilt.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
I often find myself feeling very un confident, unsure, powerless so the difficult feelings it brings up. Afraid I will do or say something that could lead to self harm.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed? Undiagnosed

What do you struggle with yourself?
I have struggled my whole life being emotionally sensitive, seem to have been born that way, cried all the time first six months of my life, then wounded parents, that had never been parented. Been in recovery from something most of my life, seriously since I was 21 and now 53.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
My 82 year old dad is currently in grief thearpy, I am trying to find a affordable, good fit counslor for myself again.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

1. When my anxiety, fear about my daughter goes up turn to you all on this board instead of her.
2. Learn how to interact with her most skillfully
3. Feel connected with people going through same, which automatically brings down so many symptoms
4. Not interfere with her path unless she gives me permission she is 35 years old.
5. As much as possible listen to others on board with a open mind and heart, support others.
6. Utilize the tools here.

Thank you!

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What type of relationship are you in?
I’m the mother of a 22 year old son recently diagnosed with BPD during a six month hospital admission. He was discharged 6 weeks ago and is living at home with his father and I. He has a younger brother away at college who he has a good relationship with.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
Nobody that I know of

What is your child's strongest quality?
He has a great sense of humour, is very hard working and determined. He is also very intelligent and has been a high achiever prior to his illness.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
He suffers from social anxiety, self harms and has been battling depression for the last few years. He pushes everyone away and has no friends but I know he feels lonely.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
Fear that he will be successful in a suicide attempt, the damage he does to himself self-harming. The unpredictability of his illness, he can have two good days followed by an awful day with no apparent trigger (that we can identify). He doesn’t like to talk to us about any aspects of his illness or treatment.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
Diagnosed with BPD, we think he also has avoidant personality disorder and a possible eating disorder

What do you struggle with yourself?
Anxiety about my son both in the short term and long term

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
Since being discharged from hospital my son is under the care of a community team. He is currently seeking counselling and sees a support worker each week.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
To gain more understanding of BPD, improving communication with my son and finding out how best we can help him.

What type of relationship are you in?
Parent of Daugher, 16

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
My mother was, but she had no contact with my daugher. Genetics?

What is your child's strongest quality?
Her sense of humor and persistence.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Following rules, being respectful, controlling her emotions

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
Her badgering and rages

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
Diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder because she is too young to receive the personality disorder diagnosis, according to her psychiatrist.

What do you struggle with yourself?
PTSD, anxiety, enabling

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
We are all in individual counseling, BPDD16 is in DBT, Will be starting family counseling in June.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
To learn as much as I can about changing my behaviors so that I can do something to help her, the rest of the family, and reduce the chaos because I cannot change anyone but me. I also want to help support others who are suffering and trying to make these important changes.

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What type of relationship are you in?
Stepmother of daughter just turning 17.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
When her therapist discussed her signs of the disorder with us, she recommended 'Walking on Eggshells" book. Her dad chimed in, "Actually I'd already bought it during the divorce, to better understand her mother's behavior." A bit late, but the whole marriage made way more sense.

What is your child's strongest quality?
Her intelligence, her sense of justice, compassion for animals, her sense of humor and mischief, her artistic ability.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
- According to her, constant pain and/or complete emptiness.
- Suicidal ideation(two attempts last year).
- Investing all her worth in boyfriend, who she manipulates, idealizes, physically threatens.
- Recovery from past trauma- her mother's boyfriend molested her. He killed himself before the investigation could begin.
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
Being unable to do a darn thing to help when she's deep inside her head and the world is black.
Her not realizing how amazing and loved she is. That we aren't going to leave her or give up on her no matter how much she insists.
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
Unofficially diagnosed because of her age. She does check most of the boxes, from what we've been reading.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Codependency, I'll be honest. Remembering to put my own oxygen mask on first in the airplane. Social anxiety disorder/avoidant personality disorder most of my life, but well managed now.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
I think her mom is. DH and I have been to parent and family sessions. I've been scheduling more regular therapy.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
At a minimum, a safe place to vent a little and feel less alone. I'd love to attain some helpful tools and advice from a community with experience during this fun time as well.

What type of relationship are you in?
Son 25 has BPD

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
I suspect his father ( my ex) had some BPD, although not to the extent our son does. This was never officially diagnosed with the ex.

What is your child's strongest quality?
Sense of humor , intelligence and he used to be a history buff.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
He is out of control basically: he can't keep a job,
he has no impulse control and has been dangerous to me.
he just got kicked out of his cousin's house and is"moving in with friends" . With no job.
He does drugs . Pot, alcohol, mushrooms . Maybe getting into other stuff as well.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
He has become violent with me to the point of criminal abuse and I had to get a restraining order.
Realizing he is not in reality anymore even after the emergency psych hold . He actually bought alcohol 2 days after being released ( his credit card bill came to the house and I saw it).
Cutting him off financially step by step. No more credit card payments from me,etc. He is starting to get traffic tickets , I am not paying those. Except I still pay for his separate car insurance- that is the last frontier for me. I have to work up to that one

How would you categorize your child?
Diagnosed?Undiagnosed?

BPD and Substance Abuse Disorder- Diagnosed
I Suspect a Mood disorder of some type -Undiagnosed.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Cutting him off financially
Chronic sorrow for him
Grieving and wallowing.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
I am in therapy I don't know what type it is though . I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder myself and am on medication

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
Learn how to cope
Learn self care and educate myself more about BPD

What type of relationship are you in?

My 21 year old daughter has BPD. I am married 25 years, and that is going well.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?

No one.

What is your child's strongest quality?

Extremely smart and verbal. Sweet and empathetic. She treats others quite well. And she is invested in her own mental healthcare.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?

She's diagnosed with BPD, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder and persistent depressive disorder and autism. He's self-harmed (cutting) since pre-adolescence, and as recently as this winter I've picked her up at the ER after she received stitches for cutting. She self-committed herself three times for suicidal ideation.

Her condition has prevented her from holding a job or staying connected to college.

She is also hyper-empathetic, and even minor issue's in a friends life cause her to spiral and enter into a panic attack. Apparently, this is common in female autistic children. So, her social network is quite small.

She says her biggest problem is the depression. Wife and I fear suicide.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?

I read that most BPD suffers are difficult to get along with, can can be manipulative and abusive to family members. We do not have this situation, she is actually nice to have around.

She is a financial and time sink. She does not drive. We pay for her to have an apartment where she lives about 75% of the time, and the rest with us. She has two service dogs in training, so we drive her a lot to training sessions 45 minutes away. We pay for her groceries, Lyft, etc.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?

She is diagnosed, and is committed to her own care. I actually worry that her disease has become part of her self-identity, and might make it hard for her to "get better". But really the disease is probably going to be managed more than cured.

What do you struggle with yourself?

Frustration and anxiety. The outward manifestation of her disease looks like laziness. She sits and looks at her computer a lot. I struggle with the urge to yell "get a job" at her, get off your butt. And I am anxious because I don't know what to do to move this forward faster.

And fear of the future, sometimes I get waves of panic when I think too much of what the future holds for her.

And fear of the next episode. Too often things have felt like they were going well, and we get a surprise call that she has committed herself, or needs to be picked up at the ER. It's scary.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?

Daughter sees a therapist and a psychologist weekly. Wife and I do not, although we've been attending support group meetings.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn from others, and hopefully to find a way to help others.

TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210524.0)

Done.

What type of relationship are you in?
I’m mom to a 20 year daughter with depression, anxiety, OCD, and recently diagnosed BPD. She has been struggling for 6 years. She lives on her own in a city 3 hours away. She has a roommate who is a godsend. We pay her rent, because we would rather do that than have her at home.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
No one that I know of.

What is your child's strongest quality?
She is smart and funny, and willing to work on herself.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Inability to stick with school, jobs, friends. Also self harming/OCD behaviors (chewing her cheeks, scalp picking).

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
The daily phone calls, describing her litany of physical and psychological complaints. Exhausting.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
Diagnosed

What do you struggle with yourself?
Letting go, detachment

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
My daughter is in regular weekly therapy and monthly psychiatric. She was just diagnosed with BPD at an IOP and kicked out (!). I am seeing a DBT therapist and just started on anti-depressants.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
Feeling less alone. Help with knowing what I can and can’t do to help her.

TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210524.0)

What type of relationship are you in?
Parent in law
What is the age of child/teen/adult? 23 years. Married to and living with my son and their 3 year old daughter.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD? Father for sure cluster B but he’s more narcissistic. Unsure of any others.

What is your child's strongest quality? instinct

What are the top challenges your child is facing? controlling her anger

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child? She won’t allow my son to interact with me and won’t let me have any contact with their daughter. If he tries to assert independence she threatens and/or leaves and threatens to take their daughter away from him.

How would you categorize your child? Undiagnosed
BPD, Depressed, Substance Abuse, Self-Harming, Violent, Risk Taking

What do you struggle with yourself?
Low Self Esteem, Enabling

Is anyone in therapy? At last contact my son and granddaughter had continued therapy. His therapist suggested he consider if his wife has BPD. His wife had completed court ordered therapy for an assault and child abuse conviction and declined to continue.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? Educate myself about how I can help my son see what he is putting himself and his daughter through. Gain perspective about how to help my granddaughter if I get the chance to see her again.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
Nobody I know of

What is your child's strongest quality?
She”s creative, artistic and very stubborn and persistent.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Feeling “abandoned”, no motivation to change, denial of having BPD, blaming me and my husband (her stepdad) for her problems in spite of us trying so many ways to help her. She has no plan or direction for her life.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
Suicide threats, She won’t work/take financial responsibility, tries to cause conflict between my husband and l (her stepdad of 10 years) Desperate clinging to me and blaming me for her situation & her extreme abandonment feelings, she won’t take responsibility for even the simple things in her life, She has hypochondria and her puts herself in scary, dangerous situations constantly. She was raped in 2018.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed
Diagnosed but in denial

What do you struggle with yourself?
Guilt, Grief, Fear, Shame, I’ve put my husband (her stepdad) through absolute hell such that he now has PTSD. I started to drink to cope with the pain, which only makes things worse.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
DD24 has been in therapy for years with various counselors - several who’ve tried DBT. I myself went for a year with an excellent counselor who has BPD family experience. My husband also went to PSTD counseling because of the toll it’s taken on him. We both practice vipassana meditation, which helps.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
Independence and healthy relationships all around, practicing better self care...plus setting boundaries with her that protect us and encourage her to help herself.

What is your sexual orientation?
Straight, married

Who in your life has "personality" issues:
Child, my DD24

Re: Will you tell us more about yourself?

What type of relationship are you in?
Mother of a 24 year old daughter w/BPD. Wife of 10 years to a wonderful, compassionate partner. Daughter to an elderly sick mother who needs constant help from my husband and I to remain alive, semi-independent and well...we spend at least 8 hours a day between us devoted to her care, every single day.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
Nobody

What is your child's strongest quality?
She is smart, creative & extremely strong willed.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?

She lies constantly & is untrustworthy. She can be physically violent. She threatens suicide and self harm if she doesn’t get her way 100% of the time. She is unwilling to work a regular job to support herself, she is very stubborn, controlling and very manipulative. She continues to want to ‘die on my doorstep”. She pushes me beyond what I and my husband can do for her and treats me with great disrespect. She blames me for her problems and will not take advantage of the generous therapeutic help we’ve offered even though we have given her that option for years & paid thousands of dollars for her to do it. She says she only has BPD “tendencies” without acknowledging actual BPD. She has constant trouble with breaking the law and maintaining healthy relationships.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
The disregard and disrespect for me & how much we’ve tried to help her, the lying she does to try and shame and hurt me. The physical violence against my husband and myself. Her drug use and her stealing mine plus my elderly mother’s pain meds, which we both need to function. The threats she makes (suicide,#1) and “I will call your doctor and tell her you abuse your medications “ (not even remotely true)...mostly her trying to hurt me and my husband as much as she can when we set up boundaries that don’t suit her.

How would you categorize your child?
Diagnosed w/ BPD, depression and anxiety.

What do you struggle with?
The fear that she will carry out her self harm & suicide threats and that she will hurt my husband and myself either emotionally or physically.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
We’ve all been in therapy - her the most. The best therapist she saw was a BPD specialist for over a year. This particular therapist was abruptly dismissed by my daughter after a serious & nearly successful suicide attempt. My DD ended up with an involuntary submission to a mental hospital after she took more than enough drugs to kill herself in a town that was a 6 hour drive ( one way). My ex (her dad), her ex long term boyfriend - who witnessed her suicide attempt and I were brought in to talk to her therapist and DD saw that as a huge betrayal because the therapist confirmed her BOD diagnosis to us. DD then ended up writing negative reviews for her therapist online to try to destroy her reputation & excellent ratings by other patients.
I have seen a therapist myself, as has my husband to cope with the trauma my daughter has inflicted. My husband ( her stepdad for 10/years) has been diagnosed with. PTSD due to her abuse.

We are looking for a break for some self care. Example: My husband & I spent 5 hours in the ER today with my 83 year old mother who had a bad fall this morning. She has. COPD, trigeminal neuralgia plus a whole bunch of other health issues. We are her main caretakers. It was extremely stressful. We need to focus on her needs now and have to have some distance from my extremely needy daughter to keep our sanity!

What type of relationship are you in?
Biological mother of 18 yr old daughter with BPD. Married to her step-dad for 13 yrs. Divorced her dad when she was 1.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
He biological dad has had depression and since her diagnosis, I can see he has traits of BPD too.

What is your child's strongest quality?
She is very artistic and was in the National Arts Society. She is beautiful and loves to do hair/makeup/nails. She wants to go into Cosmetology.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Denial of the diagnosis, inability to hold a job or keep a relationship, extremely low self-esteem.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
The constant denial of any fault and refusal to be responsible.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
She is beautiful and when she's good, she is sweet and loving and funny. When she's down she lays around and plays the victim looking for sympathy.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I am controlling and impatient so changing my thinking in order to be able to communicate better with her and try to help her has been difficult. I also struggle with wanting her to move out because I'm tired yet knowing she is sick and probably never be able to fend for herself.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
I am seeing her old therapist hoping to gain some insights and technics to help her. She does also help to keep me grounded and give me some suggestions for myself.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
I hope to get ideas from others as well as be able to just vent or get my own feelings out. It's so helpful to know you're not alone and have others who can empathize with you.

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What type of relationship are you in?
Mother of an adult daughter whose behaviour seems to indicate BPD, but has not been diagnosed as such. During her teenage years she was quite difficult and had frequent furious arguments with her father (who has anger issues, but not, as far as I can see, BPD). We put it down to teenage rebellion at the time, but it continued through her twenties and seems to be getting worse.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
I suspect that my grandmother also had BPD. My daughter never met her, but has uncannily similar behaviours.

What is your child's strongest quality?
She can be very kind and generous. She is also highly intelligent, and where her job is concerned extremely conscientious, indeed perfectionist.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
She is going through divorce (which she initiated) after 6 years of marriage. She is scared that she will not get custody of her 4-year-old daughter, and switches between saying that she wants her not-yet-ex-husband to share custody, that she wants full custody, and that she will leave the child with her father. She wants another relationship, but it seems likely that unless she can recognise why this one failed any future relationships will also end in disappointment.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
1. The way she treats her daughter. She alternates between extreme, almost smothering affection, and anger, with a lot of shouting. When I have ventured to comment in the past, she has told me that I have no right to interfere in the way she brings up her child, and reminds me of mistakes I made in her childhood. If I tell her that I am sincerely sorry for the mistakes I made, she responds "It's not all about you," as though it is somehow selfish to apologise. She seems to treat the little girl more like an accessory to her own image, than as a child with her own character.
2. Fear for her future and for her daughter: it looks as though the divorce is going to be a messy one and will hurt all concerned. If she then rushes into a new relationship, especially if she has a second child, she will be causing more pain both for herself, her new partner, her first child and any future child.
3. Inconsistency: she changes her story every few days, so I feel disoriented and wonder whether I misunderstood her to begin with.
3. It seems impossible to have an honest conversation with her. Mostly I go along with everything she says, whether I agree with it or not. When I have tried to point out an alternative view, she has misunderstand what I have tried to say. Further discussion has not cleared up misunderstandings, but reinforced them. She insists that she wants people to communicate, but all the family members who have been close to her, as well as her now separated husband, have stopped communicating with her sincerely because she appears to misunderstand anything that does not fit in 100% with her own views. I am afraid that I have enabled her bad behaviour in the past by trying to be understanding.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
Undiagnosed.

What do you struggle with yourself?
In the past: long-term depression and low self-esteem. Much better now though.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
Her sister suffers from anxiety, but is working through it effectively. She feels that much of her childhood was spent walking on eggshells to avoid her sister becoming over-emotional. The relationship between the two has worsened in the past few months.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
Inspiration for how I can begin to re-establish a good relationship with her, in which I can be both honest and supportive instead of insincere and frustrated. We live in different countries and communication is usually via the internet. At present she is not communicating with me at all, and only communicating with her father when she wants him to do something for her (e.g. obtain administrative papers here).

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What type of relationship are you in?
Mother of a 22 yo daughter with BPD (undiagnosed). I had her when I was 16 yo, and was a single parent throughout her life. She displays extreme anger towards her father about past events and/or inactively engaging in her life. Now, she doesn't have a relationship with him; however, she takes out her anger on me and her paternal grandmother.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
No one else has BPD, that I'm aware.

What is your child's strongest quality?
My daughter can be very thoughtful and ambitious.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Anger, impulsivity, unhealthy relationships, drug dependency (marijuana). She has 2 younger children, 2 yo and 1 mo, and I'm very concerned about her ability to keep a safe and stable home for her family.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
Her temperament and co-dependencies

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
BPD. Undiagnosed. Treated for depression and anxiety when she was a teenager.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Depression

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
I've been in therapy consistently since April 2019.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
I'm looking for a place to vent and feel understood as a parent with no clue.

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What type of relationship are you in?
Suspect son has BPD

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
None that we are aware of

What is your child's strongest quality?
Exciting, smart, adventurous

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
getting along with others, overcoming stress,depression, letting go of past failures of others

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
repeating calls for helping dealing with his stress at the moment ,any time of day, demanding lengthy conversations about how things of the past have resulted in his problems, divorce, new spouses, then if he is still unhappy, repeated nasty insults. Then periods of being unresponsive when I reach out. very unsettling.

How would you categorize your child? Undiagnosed?

What do you struggle with yourself?
knowing or remembering during the heat of the moment the best response

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
I spoke with a councilor for a time, somewhat helpful, I feel reading about bpd has been more helpful

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
get ideas of what has helped other families

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My Son's Recovery-In-Progress

What type of relationship are you in?
My step-daughter has BPD. Her biological mother passed away when she was 12 and her father and I got married 4 years ago when she was 14.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
We suspect her biological mother had BPD but was never diagnosed

What is your child's strongest quality?
She is very intelligent and has been successful at school when she focused on it. She is artistic, draws very well and has a good eye for photography.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Being an independent adult. She is 18...almost 19. She won't get her drivers license, won't get a job and basically will not "adult". We worry that she will never take any responsibility for herself and will always want us to just take care of her.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
The constant lies, manipulation and not taking responsibility for her actions/blaming others. We never know what is true and how she is trying to manipulate us and others to get what she wants. The smear campaigns when she lies to others about us and other people making false accusations of abuse to get what she wants and guilt people into taking care of her. Her disease of the week - she always has "new" diseases, conditions, allergies, and pains that require medical attention. We never know what to believe...some we know are "fake" illnesses others we are not sure but we don't know what to help and what to tell her we are not assisting with all of her "needed" medical appointments, specialists etc.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
Diagnosed

What do you struggle with yourself?
Supporting my husband and the effects it has on him, deciding on appropriate boundaries, and the negative effects it has on my two biological kids who are minors in the house.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types? My husband and I have been in therapy as needed to deal with issues and boundaries. My two biological children are both in therapy for depression. My step-daughter is currently in a psychiatric hospital and we are not sure for how long she will be there.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
To know we are not alone and see ideas of what has helped others through this difficult journey.

What type of relationship are you in?
My long-term (10+ years) partner's 21 yo daughter has BPD. Partner and her daughter live together. I live separately, but close by. My partner is "Sue", her daughter is "Jane".

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
Sue's sister (Jane's aunt) displays behaviors which could be BPD. The aunt has been diagnosed as bi-polar, but after learning more about BPD, we wonder if her diagnosis is incorrect.

What is your child's strongest quality?
Jane is highly creative. She has, in the past, been able to really commit to activities which interest her. In elementary and middle school, she had a lot of friends and a very active social life. Many of her positive traits have eroded since her symptoms began to seriously manifest themselves.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Uncontrollable rages directed at her mother. She has alienated almost all of her friends and extended family. She has been unemployed for long stretches.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
Her rage, her refusal to accept responsibility for her situation.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
Not officially diagnosed, but just started working with a DBT therapist.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I have had problems with anger throughout my life, although it has subsided some as I get older. I am judgmental and slow to forgive.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
Jane (BPD) is seeing a DBT therapist. Sue (BPD's mother, my partner) is also talking to a therapist in the same practice. I have been in individual therapy and couples therapy with Sue until recently.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
Find a way to support Sue and better accept Jane. Let go of my anger and judgement.

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What type of relationship are you in?
I have been married for 21years. I have a 16 yo daughter and a 14 yo daughter. My 14yo is the one afflicted with bpd

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
Only our daughter has BPD.

What is your child's strongest quality?
She is a very intelligent person.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Extremely low self esteem, perhaps addiction issues, she is being preyed upon in school and social situations, no self image/awareness

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
How can I keep her alive long enough that she wants to change

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
She's only 14 so they dx her with "BPD CHARACTERISTICS"

What do you struggle with yourself?

"Regulating my emotions and self care."
Same

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
daughter- Group DBT telehealth; individaul SW talk therapy; NP for meds
Mom- finally had an appt this morning and the lady didn't call/ft or reach out

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
Insight and solace- I'm not alone. This is not in any parenting book and no one else can understand. I just want to talk to people who know what I'm saying

b]What type of relationship are you in?[/b]
Mother to BPD Daughter

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
Father has BD, both grandmothers suffered from depression in their lifetime. I have not been as yet diagnosed but I do feel we all have something

What is your child's strongest quality?
Very intelligent, artistic, has a good work ethic, can be very loving and thoughtful

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Just 21.. sense of self, struggling to be the adult, personal relationships, emotion control, reality control

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
Her father is not really in the picture.. and I am the enemy

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
Recently diagnosed thru therapist

What do you struggle with yourself?
What feels like the loss of my daughter, the seeming inability to reach her, though she depends on me for a great deal, if I cannot do something I’m evil and I’m evil if I do

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
Daughter is seeing a therapist but he would like her find one that is set up to treat bpd, I am currently in therapy but struggling to do the things I’m being guided to do

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
To learn how to best support my daughter.. and the rest of our family through this

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What type of relationship are you in?
MOM TO 18 Y/O DAUGHTER (AND 20 Y/O SON)

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
NO ONE (THAT I KNOW OF)

What is your child's strongest quality?
SHE IS A NATURAL NURTURER...SMALL CHILDREN AND ANIMALS GRAVITATE TOWARDS HER.

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
DRUG ABUSE, LEGAL TROUBLE, INDEPENDENT LIVING

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
NOT BEING ABLE TO ANTICIPATE WHEN A RAGE/EPISOSE WILL HAPPEN

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
CURRENTLY WORKING WITH PROVIDERS TO FORMALLY DIAGNOSE BPD.

What do you struggle with yourself?
KEEPING MY OWN BOAT OUT OF HER RAGING WATERS AND TRYING TO STILL BE LOVING TOWARDS HER WHEN I FEEL OVERWHELMINGLY ANGRY, BETRAYED, DISRESPECTED, ETC

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
YES. SHE IS CURRENTLY IN A PHP (partial hospitalization program) FOR DUAL DIAGNOSIS. SHE HAS ALSO BEEN IN INDIVIDUAL THERAPY FOR 4 YEARS.
I SEE A THERAPIST EVERY FEW WEEKS TO HELP ME LEARN BETTER STRATEGIES/COPE WITH HER AND JUST A SAFE PLACE TO VENT.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
TO LEARN MORE STRATEGIES / GET ADVICE FROM OTHER PEOPLE JUST LIKE ME, NOT A THERAPIST BECAUSE THEY CAN ONLY HELP SO MUCH. OTHER BPD PARENTS HAVE A PERSPECTIVE NO ONE ELSE CAN GIVE.

What type of relationship are you in?
Mother to 4 daughters, one of whom (nearly 17) I strongly suspect has BPD.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
It is possible that I, too, have it. Just now starting to look into all of this.

What is your child's strongest quality?
Deep compassion

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Serious emotional disregularity, anger, inability to function in daily life on a consistent basis

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
Her refusal to accept more intensive help

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
Officially undiagnosed.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Resentment of the chaos she causes. I also have depression, anxiety and alcohol abuse issues, so it's a lot.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
I am taking a break from individual therapy I've been in for over 3 years; youngest dd (14) is in individual therapy for her own issues; DD with BPD is currently not in therapy due to lack of cooperation on her part. We live in an incredibly remote area of a very poor state when it comes to prioritizing mental health care. We have no accessible IOP program, and DD is adamantly refusing any sort of inpatient care.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
Guidance and support from other parents of teens dealing with this, and hopefully some resources to find some better official medical/psych. help for her.

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What type of relationship are you in?
Stepmother to three women: 18, 22, 24– I’m writing now because of the 18yo. She lived with me and her father full time from age 4 (other girls were 8, 10) when I met them.

Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
Maybe the biological mother; maybe biological grandmother (deceased). All three step daughters have traits of BPD, only youngest has actually been diagnosed (to my knowledge).

What is your child's strongest quality?
Fun, high energy, caring wants to be part of a team, good with small children, loves to play

What are the top challenges your child is facing?
Huge fears over graduating high school; college; both wanting independence and terrified of it. Lots of interpersonal problems, both in friendships and romantic relationships. Very little self awareness. Poor impulse control.

What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
Lack of initiative for anything in her life. Massive “spin” added to my words, often completely changing the meaning. Zero ability to follow rules or acknowledge accountability. Also, she constantly wants hugs but doesn’t ask for them with words- over the years I’ve started feeling attacked. I’m not a physical touch person - I didn’t grow up hugging- and the fact that I can’t always hug (because I’m in the middle of doing something) or I don’t want to hug is a constant source of friction. At this point I really resent being told that I need to hug her more (I generally make myself hug her 2x a day) because I feel I’m being forced to compromise my body.

How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
Diagnosed by psych with “BPD traits”- not full diagnosis

What do you struggle with yourself?
I wrote about the constant desire for hugging above. In terms of parenting, I find it very hard to know when to let her fail and when it’s appropriate to step in. I also really struggle with how she chooses to spend her time and money (she can’t any money). I’m working hard to accept that I can’t control another person’s actions. She also wastes our money and resources and I get really frustrated with that. She has done suicidal ideation; my mother died by suicide and I really struggle when I think she might be suicidal.

I’m also sad that I don’t enjoy her company; I’m always on guard with what I’m saying, looking for how she will spin it. At this point I find her very draining. There’s so much more I could have given her and guided her with in growing up, but we could never get there or she wouldn’t accept it. It makes me sad.

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types?
Yes- she’s currently in the last weeks of an IOP. We’ve been doing family therapy through that (she doesn’t engage in the family therapy, constantly asking if we can be done). Her father and I both have our own therapists.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
- A big goal is to not feel so alone in having children who don’t seem to be functioning very well in the world. I truly think I’m a decent parent and I grieve who they were before their downward spiral started (early senior year for the 18yo). All three had potential and were cognitively much more able to function. It’s like they peak in their junior year of high school. For some foolish reason, I thought this third child wouldn’t have this big crash; I had such high hopes for a “normal” high school senior year, a final year of sports, feeling proud and celebrating (and being able to openly celebrate) with the child.

- I’m looking for strategies to know when to be involved and when not to be involved and how to do that without triggering fear of abandonment. I hope this child ultimately can be independent?

She still plans on going to college 90 minutes from us in the fall- with her current level of functioning I don’t see how she’s going to manage. But we’re going to pay and try it. At the moment I’m trying to only be involved with making sure she’s taken her medicine- so I’ve stopped managing screens, how she spends her money, whether she’s doing homework (she’s not, and I’m not telling her too), whether she’s responding to requests from the school for pictures, etc… almost everything. It’s hard. I don’t think she’s making good decisions. Sometimes I feel I can’t set my expectations low enough.

- I’m looking for ways to take care of myself. I think about her a lot. Looking at old pictures of her younger days makes me so sad- her abilities and potential were so much more. I’m continuing my hobbies and responsibilities (I’m also the guardian of another family member with mental and physical disabilities- similar to Down’s syndrome). I see my friends and spend time with my husband- this seems to upset my pwBPD.

I was going to ask about this in another thread, but I often find it very uncomfortable being in the same house with her. She constantly checks on what I’m doing (I like to get deeply immersed in projects). Now that I’m not guiding her time she chooses to spend almost all of it on a screen. That makes me very sad. I try to do whatever it is that I need to do at the time, but I’m always monitoring her. It’s uncomfortable.

I’m thinking about it because she hasn’t gotten a job for the summer and right now it looks like she’s going to be in the house a lot. She may quickly realize that she has no money (after graduation we’ll stop paying for chores, something she knows but maybe hasn’t really thought about yet) and maybe she’ll find a job? But I’m steeling myself to have to be in the same house with her a lot.

- Learning more about BPD (And maybe DBT) are goals- I’ve read the Eggshell book and a bunch of other stuff online. I get exhausted and frustrated and flat out mad at times and have to stop reading.

Thanks to anyone who has read all of this.

BPDFamily.com

Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD => Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD => Topic started by: Rapt Reader on October 01, 2013, 11:20:56 PM