BPDFamily.com

My BPD SO is down on his luck. Here is how the latest started. Please keep in mind he BPD me BP swinging more toward the depression side. It's a roller coaster ride yall.

We had a great day last tuesday. We were going to spend wednesday together I left his place wee hours of the morning (couch was hurting my back) and went home went to sleep. I figured he would sleep in (huge mistake) and ran some errands. I took a pain killer for my back and fell asleep. Around five he calls me and I ask ready to do that stuff? CLICK. He's pissed and not completely unreasonably so. BUT then it just snowballs. He is talking to me, hasn't broke up with me but has expressed, very vocally, that I have abandoned him. There have been many harsh conversations and I am doing my best to reassure him but without him giving me another chance I don't know what I can do.

By his own admission he loves me and I love him dearly too. I have since I was 17, when I first laid eyes on him. How do I get back in his good graces? Doing some reading abandonment is HUGE so I don't want to ever repeat this. I would rather learn and move on but that will take cooperation on his part, which I am not getting a lot of.

There is much more to the story but I think most of it will go back to the BPD. If anyone has any words of wisdom I'm listening.

I didn't see an edit function so I wanted to add that whenever I try to assure him it either gets thrown back as "lies" or "BS". I'm ready to fight for this but I need a plan of attack.

Hey there,

I have had variations of this scenario quite a few times in my house.  The biggest things for me is acknowledging whatever I did wrong (short and sweet) and then letting my upbdh know that I love him and then I have to move on (with or without him).  I don't mean that I am abandoning him again... .I mean that I have to move on with my day/ my life/ my plans until he decides to rejoin them.  That gives him an opportunity to look at himself and make himself better (self soothe).  I can't fix him and trying to get every situation back on track (and believing that I actually had the power to do it) was a big mistake on my part and its part of what landed me and my family (including my husband) so far down the path of BPD destruction (codependent behavior on my part).




Awesome!  That means that you have history/ true commitment and that is the foundation of making a relationship with a BPD work!  The bricks and mortar of your house will be the communication tools/ boundaries/ etc.


That is the funny part.  You don't have control of getting back in his good graces (well at least I don't in my own relationship).  I have to take the right steps to keep my own side of things clean and then trust that my husband will find his way back to me when he's ready.  Often in our house it means that he disappears to play on the computer or watches a movie for a few hours until he has cooled down.


That's another funny part.  You don't actually need his cooperation.  My husband told me at one point that he would never get help.  That he would live miserable for the rest of his life.  I took the lead.  I took away his ability to use me as an emotional outlet and he had no choice but to leave or get healthier.  So far, so good.  Fingers crossed.

So in the here and now... .

If I were you I would make sure that I was brushed up on JADE.  When he opens up making sure that I avoided Justifying, Arguing, Defending, Explaining.  Keep your explanation short and sweet.  When I stopped listening to my husband go on and on and on about things -- he finally realized that he was beating his points to death every time that we had a disagreement.  (the day that lightbulb clicked was a relief for me).

If you need a framework for your explanation S. E. T. works well for me.  See #3 in the lessons.

Finally tools to find way to move away from enmeshment will help.  Realizing that he's going to go off sometimes... .and you can't help it.  Staying strong (even by just distracting yourself) and not getting sucked into "the crazy train." 

Hope at least some of this helps.

Oh and don't worry about when you try to reassure him and he calls it lies or BS.  Mine does too.  Just state your truth and validate but then move on.  So in your situation I would probably say something like "I know that you feel like I bailed on you.  That is totally understandable under the circumstances (ie I disappeared).  It wasn't my intention.  I got really tired and my back was hurting so I went home and got some sleep."

He broke up with me. My heart is breaking. I don't know what to do now.

Hi jennster,

I'm sorry to hear that he broke up with you and that you're feeling so heartbroken.      

I can very much understand if you want to do something to get him back.

May I offer a bit of advice?  Just like allibaba said, it's important to keep in mind that you only have control over what you do, not what he does.  This can feel really hard, and it stinks.  It will feel better as you start getting there though.

And even if you want to help him, the best way to do that is by feeling well grounded and strong yourself.

So the best thing you can do is focus on you and what you need.  What can you do for yourself to help you get through this?  Friends, family, activities?  And at all times remember to eat well and sleep well.

As to what he will do, I can't say.  Actually, no one can.  Only he will figure out what he wants to do.  Chances are probably pretty good that he will go through another cycle of what you have seen many times now.

Meanwhile, as you get yourself grounded again, what do you want?  This can be a good opportunity to work through the lessons (links in the box on the right).  Maybe think about your values and boundaries.

But back to the most important part: do what you need to for you.  What does jennster want and need right now?  Hint: the answers that will help you the most are the ones that focus on you rather than him.  Then, as you get stronger, you can be a stronger support for him.

If I had to hazard a guess... .my guess would be that its just a phase.  If I had a dollar for every time that my husband has said that he is divorcing me... .well I would have some money to buy something nice!  I know at the time that he means it... .but after he passes through the dyregulation then he assures me that I am his world (he's not just saying it... .I actually am).

I don't know what your situation is but my husband has stopped making the 'I'm leaving you threats... .'  I started working through the lessons and it improved things a fortunate side effect is that some of the undesirable behaviors are decreasing in frequency and some have dropped off the table. 

Like Zaqsert said... .step 1 is taking care of you.  My suspicion is that he will come back to you (especially after such a long history) and when he does you want to be as healthy as possible!

Sorry that you are having to go through this.

Hello and  *welcome*


  I'm so sorry. Do what you can to take care of yourself. And please understand, even though he was certain and sincere he was when he said that, he can still feel something different later and alter most of his reality and history to a new version that includes getting back together with you.


This sort of thing puts you in a tough balancing act between two points:

1. You really did not intend to hurt or abandon him, and never wished him ill.

2. He really believes (at least when he's feeling abandoned) that you did, and telling him that his perception of you is wrong comes off as invalidating to him... .and that provides more fuel to the fires of negative crap in his mind.

So it is pretty normal and understandable that he accuses you of lies and BS. And your efforts to prove otherwise won't help the situation as much as you wish it would!

  Hang in there, and take good care of yourself!

Thanks for all the replies. There is a lot of food for thought here. I haven't been taking care of myself. I hurt myself the other day. The breakup or him blocking me in facebook, whatever, was the final straw. I dont know what I want really. I guess to be able to be happy on my own but at the same time I desparately want him back in my life.  I want him to Love me again.

Please keep in mind we havent been together in twenty years and when we ran into each other and he just lived right down the street it seemed like it was meant to be. I mean I thought we could get old together and now the rug pulled out like the worlds cruelest magic trick... .