BPDFamily.com

I cannot believe it has been almost 6 months since I googled irrational rage and found this site.

I have avoided logging on because I have been exhausted emotionally.

I filed a domestic violence report against my uBPDh. 

On the morning of the hearing I was told he had filed for divorce.  He then lied in court.  The judge found him the more reliable witness that day and I lost the restraining order.

We have just started "mediation" but I am not sure how long our mediator will put up with his antics.

The worst part of all this is that we are sharing our children.  They stay in the house 100% of the time and he and I move in and out. 

He is doing nothing to take care of the house (he hasn't for over 2 years even though he is disabled and home all the time).  He let the basement flood during a storm and does not clean the cat box on the four days a week he is there.

I get anxiety attacks when I am in the house alone.  I want to keep the house for the children, but I have no emotional attachment to it anymore because it is the place he threatened my life.

His guns were taken during the restraining order.  He has now petitioned to get them back.  I have no idea how to handle that one.

I am so thankful for this site for educating me on this disorder and for all the support I have found here.

I believe this is called helicopter parenting?  It won't last long - or shouldn't - unless you two are independently wealthy.  The reason is that it means you two would have to maintain 3 homes and for most people that's very impractical short term and impossible long term.

A house is just that, a house.  Your home is where you live and what you make of it.  Nearly all separated or divorced parents have the children transition between the two parents' homes.  That's okay, the kids will be fine, in time they will become accustomed to Dad's home and Mom's home whether those be houses, condos or apartments.

Try to get the court to resolve the financial issues of maintenance and bill paying ASAP.  Then ponder the long term issues... .

• If neither of you want the house or cannot afford to live in it, then it must be sold and any equity be apportioned between you.  Make sure any equity from the sale is held in ESCROW until the major aspects of the divorce are resolved.  Why?  That money is LEVERAGE.  Once dispersed to him you will have little or no leverage for compliance or cooperation.



• If he wants the house he has to buy you out of your marital equity, if any.  If your name is on the mortgage then issue #1 is for him to refinance any and all mortgages.  Expect obstruction and delays.  If you are on the deed, then you will need to sign a quit claim deed BUT do not sign it or hand it over until the signing of his new mortgage.  Otherwise you risk being part debtor to a property you no longer own and having a court which may not be inclined to enforce its own court orders.



• If you want the house you have to buy him out of his marital equity, if any.  If his name is on the deed then issue #1 is for you to get a signed quit claim deed from him.  Expect obstruction and delays.  If you owe him marital equity from the home then issue #1 is to get his signed quit claim deed.  Any equity owed him is your leverage to get compliance.  It's not a big issue if he's on the mortgage because you're a reasonably normal person and you would handle a refinance appropriately.