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Had a great session with my T yesterday.  We talked a lot about what happened during the Idealizing phase.  After one or two dates, and after each recycle I ould hear things like this... .

         There isn't anything i don't like about you

         I have a fear of abandonment

         I hope we never grow apart

         No one has ever taken me out like you do

         Your the best lover i have ever had

         You make the best food

         You are a great dad

However when the devaluation kicked in severl months later, I would hear the following... .

          I cant believe I fell for someone like you

          There really is nothing I like about you

          I hope your daughter ends up with someone like you

          Blade u ruined a really good thing

          The problem is you Blade

          Your exwife is fine - keep in mind when I was white, she hated my ex... .

           I hate you

          After everything I have done for you

          And the kicker of all kickers... .i am going out tonight to find a big penis tonight

What are some of the classics others have heard?

My family thinks you are a bum

How are we supposed to have a future on your money

Oh your money is ok but you spend it on stupid hit (projection on herself and i spoilt her)

Might not seem like a big deal but it crushed my self esteem.

This brings up alot of thoughts for me to look at. I think it might even help me stay in nc.

Idealizing

I prayed for a man like you.

you are so good to me and my family and friends and they just all love you.

your are so hot looking I just love your body

we will never be apart I have never felt this way about anybody

its like you can read my mine and i like that.

you tell me just like it is and I need that from someone

you do so much more for me.

devaluing

my friends dont like you.

Your really not my type.

your have no repsect for me.

your getting fat.

Im not sure I want to spend my life with anybody.

Your think you know everything dont you.

Your trying to tell me what to do and control me.

your dont help me at all.

our idealizing phase happend many time along with devauling. she tell me all the indealzing stuff when she wnated me back and of course as she was pushing me away the devlauing would start. all that happened numerous times in over two years. when I confronted hr with the devauling stuff when she tried to start the indealizing back up is when I would get the apology and the excuses of I was just trying to push you away because I dindt wnat to get married ( even tho I hadnt asked hre to) or she was having so break down or something else.

This is exactly why I posted this. i am reading where a lot of people here are really struggling to stay no contact.  Whenever I start thinking about contacting my ex, I remember that she totally dropped out on me, and my young child like we were nothing to her.  Healthy people don't do this to people they profess to love just hours prior and spew venom about how terrible we are, etc. 

Idealization

I never felt with anyone like this before, never felt love like this.

It is so amazing and unique with you. We have an amazing connection!

Was dying to call you, it seems that all I want is to look at you and take care of you... .Marry me!

starting a semi-recycle: I love you so much, this love was building up for such a long time.

Someone asked how would you define an ideal woman and I described you!

Devaluing

Showed your picture on FB to my friend, he said that it was just a fling on your side, you are a flirty type!

I blame your manners for the way you are... .(with irritation and anger)

I don't feel like that about you anymore, don't try to make me responsible for you (with irritation and anger)

ending the semi-recycle:in fact i felt soo good with my new gf... .I haven't felt like this for such a long time. Don't tell me that this new relationship reminds you of ours, I don't like those parallels, it implies that with ex#1, ex#2 was the same as well.

Idealisatio

You are not just the bf/fiancee in the world but the best friend I could wish for.

You are too handsome for me.

You are such a kind person. Thank you for everything you do for me and my family, i really appreciiate it.

I love you soo much (always says to get the same said back).

You are the best thing taht has ever happened in my life.

Devaluation

I hate you.

You are a loser. No wonde you cannot make a relationship last.

You are so selfish

I wish i never fell in love with you.

I am going to make sure I cheat on you for hurting me so much (for not answering texts quickly enough).

No wonder i am going to cheat on you in the end ( she already has many times).

You are a f***in piece of s**t ( this is happening more and more often, one time for saying she had a different sense of humour than me).

In bold.

I heard the same exact things.

"There isnt anything about you that i really like... ."

She told me that both times in devaluation.

Mind you... .

She came back to me in round 2.

That was one of those things that literally screamed out... .

Clearly there is something really f¥cking wrong here.

In idealization i heard... .(both rounds)

You are my rock in my storm... .

I love everything about you... .All your flaws, sarcasm, smile, laughter... .

I am so grateful you are back in my life... .

I thank God everyday that he placed my angel in my life... .

You are too much for me... .

You are so kind... .

I love how we can talk about anything... .

I love your voice... .

I love how caring you are... .

In devaluation... .(both rounds)

There isnt anything about you i really like... .(I feel like throwing up just writing that line)

My love for you was an illusion(round 1)... .

Your love for me was fake (round 2)... .

I hate the way you breath on the phone... .

I hate the way you stand... .

I hate the way you move your hands... .

You are too intense for me... .

You are too clingy... .

You must be gay... .(i stopped having sex with her due to devaluation)... .

You dont know how to drive, makes you less of a man... .(I was the one traveling to see her 4+ hours away)... .

It took you too long to get promoted at your job... .

You are too sensitive... .

I cant write anymore... .

It brings tears to my eyes remembering this.

The ones I heard the most often was 'no one likes you' and 'your face looks like sh**' (this was during periods where he thought no one liked him and he though his face looked like sh**.

Even though I knew he was only projecting, hearing it repeated enough can damage you nevertheless. It is almost like they are trying to hypnotize you into believing it.

In bold.

Yes.

Because they know that it will inflict maximum damage on you.

Your weaknesses were long ago detected by the PwBPD... .

And that is where they will fire repeatedly.

It is awful.

Because they know that it will inflict maximum damage on you.

Your weaknesses were long ago detected by the PwBPD... .

And that is where they will fire repeatedly.

It is awful.[/quote]
Very insightful Ironman... .this had never occured to me, but looking back, it is so true... .WOW the glasses are getting a little clearer with everday.

Idealization:

I love you

You're my best friend

You are sexy - I love that my husband is so fit!

You have such good taste

Devaluation:

I hate you

You are a selfish a-hole (her favorite)

I'm going to wake your son up and tell him what a selfish a-hole his dad is - he deserves to know

You control me

You're responsible for everything wrong in our relationship


Dear God.

Apart from being called clingy I never had much devaluation which maybe plays a roll in my earlier denial?

Great thread!  It made me laugh as I reflected on the things my wife said to me.  In particular, the devaluation comments.  I remember one comment about her going out and getting a big penis one night too!  in hindsight, I should have helped her in the quest. I would have had a peaceful evening that night.

The good news!  I have moved back into a home I had prior to getting married. The devaluation comments have subsided.

It is now in the manipulation cycle. "Oh, I have changed. I am better now.  I am so sorry for my behavior.  Please forgive me.  It is God's will we don't get divorced."  You know how it goes.

ABB

Oh my, that reminded me that mine would actually get so enraged that one night he actually screamed repeatedly in our son's face "you're mother is retarded!"

All because I wouldn't let him have control of the TV channel changer while I was watching a movie that he didn't want to watch.

Dear God, the insanity of it all... .

Oh yes. I got all that "good love."

The benefit I have is that I have fought (therapy) to love myself and have a healthy self esteem.

You are so beautiful. You have a perfect figure. You are so smart. Which, I say with appropriate self-confidence, are true. Not saying I am Heidi Klum, but you get it.

So when I heard he told the rebound girl I was old, fat, ugly, and stupid, I checked her out online. Really! There was her mug shot. Yes. And she was fat, ugly, and while younger than me, certainly not smart since she was arrested for having "guests" in her home that were manufacturing meth.

The wonderful things they say are sincerely felt. Filling their void makes them feel effusively happy. But over time the "beautiful" you some how makes them look as themselves. And the see the things they don't like about themselves. So they go on the defensive. And say that ugly stuff.

[quote author=Century2012 link=topic=210648.msg12322923#msg12322923  'It's not your fault. We all want to be loved and adored. But until someone loves themselves, they can't truly love someone else."[/quote]
Yep, thats what I'm working on :-)

Idealization


Not Angelina Jolie or Einstein, but not bad either.

I love you from the bottom of my heart.

I will love you forever.

You are the most beautiful girl in the world [ bs, I'm not stupid]


Devaluation:

You are a piece of hit.

You do nothing.

You are a lazy piece of ___.

You are selfish.

You don't respect me.

You think you're so smart!

You only want a big dick!

Prostitute

Whore

You control me.

ABB


Total lie. But you know that.

Just remembered today in the morning when I was feeling down:

- You are so special!  vs. - You think you are f*g special?  and again - You are very special!

You are, though. You are one of a sadly-small number of incredibly brave, strong souls who are determined not to allow someone else to continue to dominate their lives in a destructive manner. You are courageous. You are wise. You are wonderful.

Makes each of us posting in here pretty damn special, I reckon.