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What is the thing that you remember most about your BPD ex?

The thing or things that make you forget the terrible times just for a second and almost have you being sucked back in?

And its probably safe to say if it was someone else we wouldn't give it a second thought.

What is the purpose of remembering at this point?

I maybe worded it wrongly but i'll explain.

The first time we split, before I knew of the BPD, I was missing her like crazy. A similar story to many if not all on this board.

To help me move on I have been trying to work out what was the 'drug' that had me fixed.

Right now... .nothing! 

The "drugs" that had me fixed were (1) idealization and the good qualities I like in myself reflected back to me.  Who wouldn't like that?  And (2) the intermittent reinforcement of a push pull relationship.  I was always trying to get back to the way things were in the beginning. 

As time goes by I have more and more proof (I have LC with my ex, not by choice) that the person I thought he was does not exist.  And I also have come to realize that I was in a constant state of anxiety after the honeymoon period was over.

Nothing to miss.     

Oh how i can relate to the anxiety.  It was paralyzing, to say the least.  With the help of my T, I have identified that the anxiety can cause me to lose my temper at times briefly when I am feeling threatened.  I have also Identified that I need to have a badge of honor in public to feel good about myself (my mask in public) rather then just being happy with who I am.  At times I need an audience to impress, and damn if my Ex wasn't the perfect audience.  I can't be happy in a relationship, until I am happy with myself.  This is what I will remember most, because w/o her, I am most likely still struggling to figure things out. 

What do I miss the most? The times he showed me the man behind the Wizard of Oz curtain. Few people ever share the vulnerable under belly. That made me feel special.

I still have the sticker on the bathroom light fixture. (I have tried to scrape it off.) He placed it there the morning I took him to rehab. After he had been drinking and drugging for 2 weeks and spun into a suicidal depression.

"I love you with all my heart. Forever."

I left him because he could not control his behavior when he drank. Then I learned about the BPD. And I see the comorbidity.

He numbs the pain. It is very sad.

I miss the way she truly loved me.  Yes, I know it's not a "healthy" love, and it's just infatuation and idolization, but I have never felt so safe and loved in my life. 

I miss the fact she'd do really sweet little things, like when I would get home from work and she'd have spelled out "I love you" in heart shaped chocolates on my bed (covered in red foil) and sprinkled rose petals all over the duvet.  That she'd do really thoughtful, sweet little things so I'd know she was thinking of me 24/7.

I try not to think about what i miss... .

Because when i do... .

I remember the devaluation... .

And the way she behaved towards me... .

On my horrific birthday... .

When i saw... .

For the first time... .

In person... .

Her 2 distinct personalities... .

And how that other side... .

Hated me... .

With such ferocity... .

In the same way... .

Her original side... .

Loved me... .

With such intensity.

My ipad mini... .

Given to me as a surprise gift... .

From her original side... .

Is a stark reminder... .

Of what i miss... .

Was it given to me out of real love... .?

And dont miss about her... .

The person that gave me this... .

Left me.

Does that mean she never loved me... .?

We end up missing what we really shouldnt be missing.

And the realization of that... .

Is awful.

Thank you all for giving me a new insight today.  When I read the title of this post, I thought that the answer to the question would be:

"Amazing, Mind-Blowing Sex".

However, it is the emotional connection (whether warranted or not,) is what is being missed.

I hope that in time the intensity of this memory will be mitigated by new memories that you all will create for yourselves.

God Bless.

That vulnerable, lost, emotional, sexual storm that she was

My fragile frozen flower, my troubled and flightless dove, she was my mystery, my love... .

The relationship almost killed me, and yes, the sex is missed too

SEX and they euphoric high when were getting along.  Everything else was torture.

I miss who I thought I fell in love with. (a mirror image of myself)

I miss her humor.  She had some funny quips from time to time.  She is delightfully irreverent and witty. 

Of course I miss the sex.  But that is mostly because I find her so beautiful.  She was a rather lazy lover.  Once she "got hers" she kind of "mailed it in." 

I miss feeling special to her.  She was so rarely upbeat and positive and affirming of me.  And when she was it was like a hard-won prize that was like a shot of heroin directly into my veins. 

I miss the sense that, despite our dysfunction, we were a family (3 children).  We had a stately house on an old tree-lined street, nearby school, neighbors... .the dream.  A calm sea for a few years... .but the undertow was gaining strength as her BPD behaviors escalated. 

Fiddlestix

"As time goes by I have more and more proof (I have LC with my ex, not by choice) that the person I thought he was does not exist.  And I also have come to realize that I was in a constant state of anxiety after the honeymoon period was over. "

I relate to this and all the other posts.  

The drug analogy is a good one.

The drug that had me hooked SEEMED to be an intense love, basking in her adoration, dreaming and planning a future together. All natural and normal and safe. A natural high!

BUT IN REALITY it was laced with BPD, mood swings, verbal attacks, drama, demands, breakups, all bewildering and exhausting.

The constant switching between the two was damaging to my well being. Walking on eggshells, anxiety, hyper vigilance, breaking down during conflicts.

I think that the risk for partners of BPDSOs is that we normalize the emotional chaos and devote enormous energy into adapting to and managing the situation, to return to the way things were in the idealization stage. I excused and rationalized the BPDSO's hurtful behavior, saw her as ultra sensitive, passionate, highly strung, high maintenance, and rationalized these as the flip side of her intensity and passion. Thought I had to take the lows with the highs. The roller coaster ride with her would be exhilarating.   WRONG.

We can easily become addicted to the BPD drug of emotional drama, the highs and lows, breakups and make ups, it changes us, and erodes our self esteem and degrades our boundaries of what is OK and not OK.   We accept behavior from our BPDSO that we would never inflict on others, or accept from our friends.

We can become so dependent and desperate to get that love back that we will compromise our behavior,  values and standards. We can lie or hide the truth from our friends who are horrified at what they see and hear. We become distorted in our thinking. We are hooked on wanting what we want and now only get intermittently.  There's no consistency between what we do and being rewarded or punished. Black is white and white is black.

A healthy, adult loving relationship nurtures and strengthens us as human beings.

What I had with the BPDSO FELT AT TIMES like an adult loving relationship but it was not. I wanted it to be.

It takes a lot of introspection to unpack what hooks us in to an unhealthy and toxic relationship, how we came to give ourselves away, bit by bit, and how we came to re assert our boundaries, end the r/s and start healing.

I was a willing participant with my BPDSO and decided to continue and give the r/s more chances even though I was hurt many times. I wanted the loving relationship I could see glimpses of.   Until one day I could take it no more. The ending was chaotic, unresolved and painful, much more so than any other r/s.  She doesn't have the emotional maturity to make it otherwise.

We are human, we want to see the best in people. We learn, forgive ourselves and become a little wiser. Hopefully!

Thanks for stimulating the discussion.

Thank you human101!  Your post is my story completely!  I tried, I invested, I hoped, I was patient.  I waited for a breakthrough that never came... .and may never come.  I saw her through four rounds of addiction treatment, only for her to relapse almost immediately every time (booze, drugs, sex, eating... .).  I have never liked amusement park rides.  I sure do not miss this one, either.  Yet, I still say the small victories were like a drug.  I miss that. 

Fiddlestix

Well Said! This post pretty much summarizes my entire experience, the answers I sought and found, and the beginning of me taking my life back.

Human, this post should be a sticky or a must read article!

Human101,

So well put, so very, very well put. I agree with other posts that say that this should be a sticky or an article.

You have summarised the journey with such eloquence.

Not there yet since she is still living in my house and I can't stand to even be in the same room with her. She did make dinner last night for me and the kids, which was nice. I ate with the kids, and she puttered and then sat down by herself to eat while I played with them in the living room. She dressed nice, very sexy (though her self image is horrible, despite being quite a beautiful woman). When someone verbally and emotionally abuses you, however, they become the most ugly person in the world. She never took my comments about her verbal and emotional abuse seriously. I just want peace. I guess at this point, me wanting peace trumps anything I might miss about her at this point. I have a good friend on standby to spend a few days with me the day she moves out (our first project is to do a lot of painting to change the house to rid myself of her memory), whenever that comes. I hate to say it, but I really hate her at this point, of which I need to get past since we will be co-parenting our two small children... .I find myself fantasizing "what is she does _this_ and _this_ and says she does not want to leave me... .what will I do?" Very toxic in my mind right now, very conflicted, but nothing near what I know she is going through in her childlike mind. -Turkish

Bananas... .I 100% agree with everything you said. Looking back, I too loved being idealized and being put on a pedestal in the honeymoon phase. And I also look back and see that I too spent and unbelievable amount of time trying to always keep things at the euphoric state our relationship was initially in. I was also ALWAYS in a constant state of anxiety after the honeymoon phase. I agree with everything you said 100%.

In a couple of weeks, I'll be coming up on one year since it all fell apart. Like you, it occurred to me the other day that the person I thought she was and certainly the relationship I thought we had was never "real." It was all a huge sham that she kept going as long as she could. I don't fault her and I'm not mad at her (knowing what I know now). Nothing was real. I look at the guy who she left me for and followed half way across the country. It's the same thing and I feel bad for that guy. ANYONE will do for her. Her emotional needs are so great and her illness is so strong, that I was just a person in her world for a period of time. The relationship was never really there in the true sense of a what is required within a relationship. It was ALL about her and what she needed.

So Bananas, I agree with you. I can quite honestly look back and say there isn't anything I miss. I now look back and know it wasn't real... .and feel bad for her. Her life will always be chaotic.

Ditto. And so not worth it.  They are about as worth it as heroin.

Human101 thank you for putting that so clearly.

And that pretty much sums up the top emotional state of those of us in relationships with BPD partners. Now that I set the boundary that it is over, despite her still being in my house and me being an emotional wreck, I no longer fear pissing her off. If she gets mad about something, that's all on her. I am no longer her emotional caretaker. Let some other poor sap do it, as the few did before me (and left, or she left them).

Her drinking everyday and her waiting for me to go to bed so she could get on the phone with other guys.


hmmm, nothing comes to mind. LOL!

NOTHING  :) I wish she'd move to another state actually (she moved in 3 houses down from me 'randomly' after breaking up with her 2nd bf after me).

If anything I'm doing self-work right now so that I don't have such an angry reaction whenever I think, feel or hear about her in any way. This will take work but I'm trying hard. But, no, there's absolutely nothing I idolize about her now--it's impossible to do as she's been such a nasty toxic person since our breakup (not to just to me, but to her 'friends' and several other ex's of hers).

I missed of a long time, The illusion of having someone to "do the hard" with in life.  Yep, that is an actual quote from the proposal to me.

I meant the words and future goals... .once I have balanced, I am still going forward with my life, it just looks different is all.

Everyone wants a connection, learning to see an authentic connection rather than inauthentic connections has been a silver lining.

The way I put it is that it often felt like we were just two good souls. I miss those almost surreal moments of what seemed like a connection. Oddly I noticed a lot more inappropriate behavior during the first few months of the r/s. Then my guess is while the wedding planning was going on, or before she had me engaged to her especially, she was more able or worked harder to put her best behavior forward. Who she really was and what was really going on in her head? I don't have a clue.

Peace, is what I'm looking for now. My boundaries are stronger. I'll find a genuine connection when I'm ready for it and I can recognize it.

My exBPDgf used to lose control of her face when she got too drunk and drugged, squeezing her mouth into strange contortions and couldn't control it. Bug eyed and mad looking. I had to take her home it was so embarrassing to be seen, I think now that was the real her. All uncontrollable Id. Scary, don't miss that, ha.

Bad in the morning, forgotten everything from the night before, so she said. Then repeat the next night. Exhausting, don't miss that. Crazy, crazy, crazy.

The last eight months of our relationship I look a sad drunk of my former self, since she's gone I look healthy have dropped weight back to previously. I sweated out poison for a month+ now I can see the abuse I suffered.

I can tell you what I don't miss. The lies. The boozing.  The excuses. I did NC after he started contacting me TWO weeks after he remarried just a month ago.

Yesterday morning I got a message from the ex before me that now he is trying to reconnect with her. If only his new wife new.