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I've refrained from calling back or acknowledging that she tried to call. I haven't heard anything more since the missed phone call monday.

I'm maintaining NC as I know, all it does is hurt me further when i speak to her. But, that simple missed call has got my thinking about her again non-stop. I know I can't return to her or she wouldn't return to me. But, i can't stop anaylizing everything again.

It feels like my life is going downhill again. The simplest of things happened last night - I was having blinds fitted in my living room, i made an error on the measurments so they needed to be cut to size. We didn't have the neccasary tools that evening, so i couldn't get them put up. It was like i'd just been told i had a life changing illness. I could have broke down if there hadn't been people round. I couldn't finish painting a room last night because I ran out of paint, and it really got me down. They aren't problems, but it felt like everything was failing me.

I think i'm losing my hair aswell.

Things aren't good.

Hey Eric, I think this is all very normal in this situation. I did something out of the ordinary when I felt as you are now... .

A fellow on a discussion board where I'm a moderator died and his son announced his passing in the forum. I never had any direct contact with that fellow and we rarely crossed each others paths in the forums but when I read news of his passing I broke down and cried as if my best friend had died. I never knew this guy. My uBPD stbx wife was worried as all hell and coreectly observed, "thats not normal". The grief I felt was overwhelming - like a tsunami hitting me and this wasn't normal at all.

I ralsied that I broke down and cried about my miserable life, trapped in an abusive relationship with a sneaky predator when life wasnt meant to be like that.

I think the smallest thing can trigger you. Do you have a T? Just leep in mind that every day of NC brings you one step closer to a normal life. In saying that, I'm wondering what it would be like for a heroin addict to go NC with that white b!tch. Kind of similar to us, isn't it?

I can't afford a therapist, which is why i probably overuse this board. I have started to read more. I'm currently on 'The monk who sold his ferarri'. It's quite thought provoking.

I just wish i could up sticks and go off travelling now. But, having a mortgage renders me stuck... .for the time being anyway.

I'm the only person who can make me happy. Just feel like my life is in limbo at the moment.

Im sorry for your hurt Eric. As was said the smallest thing will trigger you, keep strong.

Its amazing isn't it? That many of us have to go through therapy because of them. Many of us are mentally damaged for a long time and yet they carry on ruining others mental health.

I'm the only one who can sort my mind out, tho. Reading this book is really helping. It offers ways in which you can control your how your mind works.

I'll take a qoute from the book... .It's about how to control your thoughts... .

All that you need to perform this exercise is a fresh rose and

a silent place. Natural surroundings are best but a quiet room will

also do nicely. Start to stare at the center of the rose, its heart.

Yogi Raman told me that a rose is very much like life: you will

meet thorns along the way but if you have faith and believe in

your dreams you will eventually move beyond the thorns into the

glory of the flower. Keep staring at the rose. Notice its color,

texture and design. Savor its fragrance and think only about this

wonderful object in front of you. At first, other thoughts will start

entering your mind, distracting you from the heart of the rose.

This is the mark of an untrained mind. But you need not worry,

improvement will come quickly. Simply return your attention to

the object of your focus. Soon your mind will grow strong and

disciplined.

Eric - that's a rough spot to be in and I'm sure a lot of us can relate directly!  Just recently (this past weekend) I had several moments that were similar to yours - just simple things happening that triggered immense grief and tears from me (I'm not much of a crier so this really isn't normal for me!).  It's ok man; let the tears flow.  Ever watch the Louie CK bit about smartphones?  It will make you smile, trust me, but it's also a very smart bit about loneliness and emotions and grieving.  The clip is way more about our reliance on cell phones, but pay attention to what he says about crying and emotions... .sometimes you just need to be sad :)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c

Sorry guys. I tried calling her back. No anwser.

Let myself down big time.

Why did you do that, Eric?

Because I wanted to know why she called.

Validation probably.

Which I've just given by trying to call back.

That's a bugger on the T, Eric.  Did you ever watch the Dr. Drew show when it was on in the past?  It kind of showed a way forward for people trying to kick addictions.  One season had a gal with 'love addiction'.  I think a lot of us here could relate to that.  She kept saying, I don't have drug or alcohol issues so I don't feel my issues are that serious.  But during the shows, she kept caretaking the others, kind of fixing the whole time.  She couldn't really get into her own feelings but she could clue in and understand how others were feeling.

I've heard and read that group therapies can really help in healing.  There are 12 step programs that are no cost.  I liked Celebrate Recovery because the issues were all over the map, drugs, alcohol, me dealing with detaching from my ex, smoking, over eating.  It was so helpful to share my struggle and hear other peoples struggles, finding ways to move forward.  Of course the lead had to keep me in line with 'no fixing Rose" when I tried.  She said, if we couldn't fix ourselves, we have no business trying to fix someone else.  She was awesome.  There are also Coda groups and alanon groups, which deal with the same sorts of struggles.  Just a suggestion for you to consider.

I've never heard of Dr.Drew. I'm based over in the UK.

I need to go cold turkey. I got over all my other passed relationships that way, but for some reason, this one has hit me for six.

I just don't know what she wants from me.

She calls to tell me about her new job, then aologises saying it's selfish. She then tries calling again on monday. I stupidly return her call yesterday, which she doesn't awnser or respond to.

She either wants to talk or she doesn't. Then I analyse that she must not awnser because she's with her new guy. Then it makes me depressed knowing she's with him.

She's texted me. I haven't looked at it.

I won't be able to delete it without seeing it.

Eric

Can you actually talk to someone who comes close to being grounded, trustworthy, and smart?  I've got basically 2 key personal resources i can turn to familiar witht he absurbity. It helps to share out loud the struggle inside our gut thats gotta a hold of us in one way or the other as we struggle with a specific conflict or deeper vulnerabilitly.

And yup, 12 step meetings, simply from the context of having an addictive personality, can provide further structure and interpersonal support vs the more isolated we become, (whereas previously being alone in solitude wasn't so much a big deal), now that were under the BPDdspell or fog, when alone we tend to ruminate, fret, pine, worry, yada yada.

Glad to hear you are also reading a good book you enjoy and learn from.

In bold.

She wants to hurt you.

That is the ultimate end... .

Of it all.

Do not respond to her contacts.

Do not reach out to her.

At all.

I know it is not easy.

We cannot protect you.

But we are here for you.

Hang in there Eric.

Eric1, Sorry that you are being so hammered. Relate well to the tiny triggers that smash out of nowhere. Years ago, was really bad.

This is very powerful stuff:


It's about focus on the "little things" can be a pretty stone, a sea shell. Whatever it is, focus.

And another, when you find your mine drifting towards your ex and the hurt welling inside, SHIFT your focus to anything else. Work, Music a Hobby, friends, good memories ,whatever it is, but shift quickly. Turn your mind away from the emotional trauma. It's not easy, and not always successful, but with practice the pain lessens and the frequency decreases as you get your own thoughts under control.

NC is for you, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though.

E-Man... .lighten up... .you called her, she didn't answer, a letdown without any real cost.  No need to make these little things bigger than they need to be... .focus on who you are and what you want and be kind, gentle and easy on yourself.  It is not a win/lose game with her... .NC seems to be best for you because there is less turmoil than contact with her... .but than you wanted to contact her, she didn't respond, you don't feel good about it after the fact, so now you know!  And, don't contact her again! 

But, if only it were that easy for me... .but actually it is much easier than it used to be.

I hope you have a better weekend.

This is what she wants from you... .

She: I only have three people to tell (exludes boyfriend)

You:  Why wouldn't you tell the boyfriend?

She:  He's a cad, he's been so unbareable lately, it's horrible! (victim, full on devalue in store for boyfriend, she did this when she was with you, they did this to all of us.  They take their bad feelings about themselves and project them onto the romantic partner, there is no stopping this from happening)

You:  You poor thing!  (rescue mode in full swing -recycle started until you are again devalued)

They drive those that love them away.  They can't help it.  There is no way around it.  They drive us away.

BPD women often glam on the permanent hook - pregnancy.  You would be tied to her for a long time.  The child is a permanent answer to their dilemma of needing to enmesh and have someone to rage at.  There is no escape for the kidlet.  There is no worse feeling on earth than not being able to protect your child.  You escaped a bullet.  Because there is no way to have a successful relationship, she will drive you away.  But a child is trapped.  And they grow up emotionally mangled. 

Avoid the recycle at all costs, the price is just too high to pay.

Sorry to hear that you are hurting Eric.

Remember, her actions are about control. She is not in control of her life because like an addict, her compulsive need for a "high" conflicts with her desire to me in a loving relationship and feel truly loved.

The second time I "dumped" my exBPD (the third time was the charm  :)), I went back three weeks later to rescue him for a seedy motel where he was hanging with some chick and her brother getting drunk every day.

Well, the "chick" was actually a sweet young girl who was hurt. Though she had only known him for all of two weeks, she had posted that she was "in a relationship" on FB. When I told him that, he just chuckled and said, "I still go it."

She tests you with texts or calls, then plays the "I still got it" by not responding. It is VERY cruel and immature.