BPDFamily.com

My exUBPDgf in round 2 of relationship... .

In idealization... .

Surprised me with an ipad mini... .

Personally engraved... .

With the words... .

"Just because... .Ironmanfalls"... .

On the back of it.

(I have a prior thread that explains this gift)... .

Gifts are very symbolic to me.

A gift like that... .

Which i was surprised with... .

She never got me anything before that... .

Has a very deep meaning for me.

I cherish things... .

Little or big... .

From the person that supposedly cares about me... .

This gift... .

Now after she left me that second time... .

Haunts me.

I still use it.

But it hurts me to do so.

I am using it now... .

Matter of fact to type this... .

I am purchasing a new computer shortly... .

So when i get that... .

I have seriously thought about... .

Burying this ipad in a remote spot out here in Long Island.

Literally burying it in a shallow hole in the ground.

I cannot give it to anyone else... .

Cause it has my name literally engraved on it.

Branded.

By a person who exists and doesnt exist at the same time.

Every time i use it... .

I remember her... .

Like she gave me this... .

Which was supposed to mean something... .

And now means what... .?

A reminder.

Of her.

Of my ordeal.

Like she gave me this... .

So that i will always remember that she hurt me... .

Literally... .

Like the words on the back... .

Just because.

I need to bury this gift.

I dont want it anymore.

It brings tears to my eyes.

She very much exists... .

This gift... .

Echoes out to me.

This is very much WHY she gave you the gift. As long as you have it, she is on your mind and you remain on her hook.  You are healing and preparing to let go... .to bury the gift. 

Congratulations, Ironmanfalls... .you are healing.  You can do this. You can HEAL and make your own heaven on earth. On your own.  

Can I suggest an alternative?  Pack it away for awhile.  You may feel differently in a couple of months. 

Donate to a school.  Those kids who don't have computers don't care what's written on the back.

Smart to get rid of it though.

I got rid of every single thing x ever gave me (there weren't that many things to get rid of.

Why keep gifts from someone who will only harm you? 

I wanted NO memorabilia from the torture I endured.

turtle

Learning2,

Thank you for your kind words.

It is probably/most likely/is why she gave that to me.

She always knew... .

Since she is aware... .

Of her behavior... .

That giving me this gift... .

Personalized like that... .

Would have after effects on me... .

Long after she left.

She knows all my "ins"... .

She knows my sentimental side... .

In depth.

I am at the movie theater and in tears.

I f¥cking hate this disorder.

Emelie,

Valid suggestion.

I am just afraid of the emotions that will come out of me... .

If I do that... .

And decide to open it months from now.

Turtle,

That is also a valid and sound suggestion like Emelies... .

But the engraving of my name and that message... .

Is the reason of why I can't do that.

If it had none of that... .

I would very well give that thought.

Since you cherish significant and symbolic objects so much, it may be therapeutic to not treat it as one.  How about sell it on eBay as any other iPad, a popular electronic gadget that can get you a little cash.  You could scrape out the engraving or whatever if that makes it difficult, but consciously removing your symbolic attachment to it may be symbolic of your detachment, and you'll have a little cash that you can donate to this site or take a nice girl out on a date.  Win win?

I would make (2) suggestions here.  1.  Pack it in a box.  Once you fully heal, it will be important to know you have healed and are stronger than the disorder.  2.  Donate it to those less fortunate.  To simply destroy it  (by buring it) is something I would expect our BPD exes to do.  We are more mature and stronger in the long run then they ill ever be. 

After our first breakup, my ex burned everything I had given her within a couple days, which has always been her M O.  She told me at the time, I never give people a second chance... .translation once guys find out She is crazy in the head, they run for the hills. 

Just my opinion... .

Fromheel,

You guys all make valid suggestions.

I will make a donation to this site... .(iPad or not)

I just wish she never gave me it.

But like everything else... .

Concerning BPD... .

That is just wishful thinking on my part.

Blade,

Another valid suggestion.

I don't want to reduce myself... .

To what someone with BPD would do.

I can't really refute any of your suggestions... .

My way of thinking has been distorted.

Thank you... .

All of you.

For staying grounded.

While my head... .

Attached to my body... .

Is still floating in space.

Would be good to be rid of it in which ever manner you will feel best about it. Took off my wedding ring for the same reason.

It's an object, it has no power over you other than what you choose to give it. Very personal decision, depends the perspective you choose to use.

Silentium,

I have always had an issue... .

(I don't know why)... .

With associating things, feelings... .

To objects... .

Places... .

That they carry an added weight... .

In my mind.

So you can imagine... .

What that iPad... .

With those words... .

Must look like to me.

Of course... .

She knew this about me.

What better way to torture me... .

Even while absent.

I would even give it back to her... .

If I could.

Ever since that awful day of her birthday passing... .

I have been chaotic.

I can imagine. Very painful.

Put it away. Don't use it. I know why it hurts. You'd be surprised to know that there is a tragic logic to that pain. Knowing it, doesn't make it any less.

Take some to read this: www.weavertargetrecoverymodel.com/documents/CompulsiontoRepeattheTrauma.pdf (http://www.weavertargetrecoverymodel.com/documents/CompulsiontoRepeattheTrauma.pdf)

May help to untangle some of the emotional and psychological knots.

Every time I looked at my wedding ring, it hit me. The sorrow. I had to take it off. It means too much to me. Emotional trauma. Why do it to myself when I know the source and cause is partly my own mind? I can reduce that. I have control over that, as do you.

In bold.

I would not even want to fathom that... .

I have never been married... .

The hurt that must be like for you... .

I am so sorry.

Thank you Silentium.

I will look into that website.

Emotional trauma... .

Makes sense.

Sometimes amazing acts of generosity are borne out of painful situations.  While the gift brings bad memories to you - it could bring literacy or joy to an underprivileged classroom or kid(s).  I don't imagine they'd mind if it has your name on it.

The inscription is easily removed - Hello nail file. 

It's real easy to torment ourselves with mementos though.  Especially when they are a reminder of trauma. 

Me too.

My therapist thinks it's because from early childhood I learnt that people cannot be relied upon to stay, and so I invest emotions and memories into objects, things, because you can rely on a thing to be inert and not leave.

So if I were in your place, the engraved iPad to me would be the 'safe' representation of the love, the evidence that I once was loved, the reassurance that I am loveable. To get rid of it would feel like making myself unloveable, making it impossible to prove I am loveable. To look at it or use it, that would be torturing myself with questions about whether I am loveable, whether I was mistaken and was never loved, etc.

I make the 'thing' into the person, and invest it with all the emotional attachment and feelings that I have never felt safe enough to invest in a person-who-can-walk-away. But it doesn't work, because after the person has walked, the 'thing' becomes a representation of their having walked - and so the 'thing' that I intended to be proof of my being loveable becomes a big flashing neon question-mark.

Any help?

Green,

When i get my computer... .

I will have to decide what to do with this ipad.

Valid suggestion nonetheless.

Escaped,


Yes.

All of it.

Thank you Escaped.

It is why i wish she never gave me it.

It is why i wish to bury it.

It would be like a closure... .

In terms of that... .

At least.

I have no other closure from this person.

But i have this reminder of her.

And its weight... .

I no longer wish to bear.

The engraving on the back of it... .

Is like seeing my heart... .

Etched on it.

Sounds sappy... .

I know.

It links me... .To her.

The burial... .

Would sever that link.

For me.

Thank you for that insight.