BPDFamily.com

Hi all, it was nice to find this forum.

In brief - we are now dealing with our BPD daughter in law.  We are estranged from my stepson who is a sociopath.  She is our only connection to two granddaughters.  Between the sociopath stepson and BPD daughter in law, we have been held hostage in a way - they know the concern we have for our granddaughters.

Our sociopath stepson stopped talking to us about 4 years ago.  It really shocked me since my family is so different from this.  No one in my family could stop talking to another family member - even if they wanted to!  We are kind of demonstrative, to say the least.  The family my stepson was raised in (that of my husband's ex) is totally different.  There's a very uncomfortable feeling in that house and everyone talks in a low conspiratorial tone of voice.  It's really strange.

Anyway - he stopped talking to us in order to keep his new girlfriend isolated from anyone who could tell her the truth.  He has no real relationship with his sisters and his mother is fed up with him, so we were the only information source he had to worry about.  Not that we would have bashed him to her or anything - this is just what he does with women.  He was very interested in shielding this new girlfriend because she has a lot of money.  She works long hours and totally supports him.  He hasn't had a job in 4 years.

He is quite mean and cold to our granddaughters and there was one incident in the past year where he pushed one of them down the stairs.  This was reported to child services etc, but they did nothing. 

After he cut us off, we had fortunately maintained a neutral relationship with our BPD daughter in law.  She allowed us to continue to see our granddaughters.  This became a huge source of conflict and culminated in him requesting the court to ban all contact between us and our grandchildren.

For that reason, we were involved in their latest custody evaluation (#3) which is now being contested by him as it did not go in his favor.

Meanwhile back at the ranch... .

BPD daughter in law has always been living in a state of emotional and financial crises.  She cannot hold down a job.  She picks men who are 10-20 yrs older than her and unavailable or problematic in some way. 

In order to protect our granddaughters, we have at times helped her financially and assisted a lot with her legal mess. 

The legal stuff has been particularly draining and gone on for almost 2 years with her occasionally sabotaging whatever gains she made.  The kids are tired and so are we. 

Why I'm here is how I'm feeling after my "last straw" with her.  After the child custody evaluation went her way (at least temporarily, lol) - she stopped talking to us.  No reason was given.  She didn't talk to us for nearly 2 months.  Then she wanted to bring the kids up here for a visit for Labor Day.

She came and it was clear she was looking for another handout.  We just don't have it to give.  She told me that she finally felt like she "might" want to look for a job.  I'd realized that all her time and efforts were aimed at either getting her boyfriend to support her or figuring out a way to get her child support raised so she could live off of that.  She also asked me to write a resume for her and I said No.  (Not meanly - I just told her I was bad at it.)  She talked to me for hours (or rather, I listened) and never once asked how I was or how my husband was.  She also said she wanted to take up photography and asked my husband to give her his $1000 camera.  He said No.  She was really mad about that.  Spent the rest of the weekend manically pacing around and calling her boyfriend. Ugh, the entitlement - it drives me up a wall.

After that visit, no word from her other than one response to an email where she complained about not having the camera. 

I had given it a lot of thought and I am trying to just let go of my granddaughters.  They are 12 and 13.  They know how to reach us if they feel like it.  I know that they are reaching the age where their friends are more important to them than grandparents.  So I feel like it's time to let go. I can't let go of the parents without letting go of them.  It's a package deal and why I've been trapped in this drama for so long.

Today my BPD daughter in law called my husband.  (She sees him as a soft touch.)  And asked him for money because she is getting evicted.  Says she found a job.  He told her No.  We simply don't have it right now.  We are tapped out.  (See I feel guilty even though I know I shouldn't, even though we've given her around $7k this year.)  She also said she broke up with her boyfriend (which is code for - he dumped her).  My husband had recently gone to the hospital with heart problems and I heard him start to tell her how he was, and she said "I gotta go" and hung up.  I'm left sitting here with my stomach in a knot.  My mantra is "not my problem".  But it's still hard to watch that trainwreck and not want to jump in and stop the unstoppable.

I wish I could say it feels good to get this off my chest, but it doesn't.  I'm wondering if any of you have also been caught in this conundrum with your adult kids and the innocent grandkids.

What a rotten position you find yourself in - I'm very sorry to read your story.  At least you found your way here, which means that there will be people who have similar experiences they can share with you.

I can't help much with your "do I stay or do I go" question, but the amount of guilt that you're feeling, I might be able to help you there.  You should find there's quite a bit of reading available on the site and throughout the Internet to help you understand how BPD people use guilt to manipulate.  If you can use some of those resources to help you find a way to cope, I think that you'll be able to find a little bit of peace.  There are excellent resources that talk about setting boundaries, and I found the more boundaries I set and the more firmly I held onto them, the better everything became.

It isn't easy to make these changes, but it's not as though living like this is easy, is it? 

Wishing you well through this journey.

Hello Brillo,


*welcome*

I'm glad you are here and so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you right now. You sound exhausted and worn out and rightfully so. Your concern for your grandchildren is high on your priorities and they are in a very tough place between two parents who are not well.

The good news is that you found this site. We are a great group of caring individuals who know this journey. We have grandparents here too trying to carefully balance their relationships for the sake of the grandkids. It's a tough place to be. There are many resources that could help you in your relationship with your daughter in law. We help each other to learn about BPD and skills that not only help us, but help our person with BPD.

How do you think your grandchildren are coping?

Do they share with you the difficulties they are facing with their parents?

Keep reading and posting. It really helps. I look forward to getting to know you and learning how we can help.

Being Mindful