Title: How do I help my daughter whose BPD dad who has left our home? Post by: toomanytears on October 04, 2013, 11:02:07 PM My daughter (aged 26) has come home for the weekend. This is the first time she's been home since her BPD father left our home two months ago. I hoped that we would be able to give each other comfort and strength. But she seems hostile and distant and wont engage. She's deeply hurt by his actions and behaviour - he refuses to meet her but will text. I've just said I think he's had some kind of breakdown.
We've just had a rather emotional evening. She's trying to be grown up and in control (she's a super- intelligent girl but also a bit highly strung). I'm finding it hard to find the right words to comfort her.Do I tell her I think he has BPD? I feel it's too early to have this kind of conversation... .perhaps just doing fun stuff is what I should concentrate on. Also he wants to come home for Christmas - do I let him for her and her brother's (aged 20) sake? I just don't know where I'm going... . Title: Re: How do I help my daughter whose BPD dad who has left our home? Post by: Emelie Emelie on October 05, 2013, 12:08:16 AM I'm sorry - That's a tough situation. My xHB was Bi-Polar. My daughter was a lot younger when we split up... .14. He's been all but vacant from her life since. I didn't get into the Bi-Polar diagnosis but I did tell her that her Dad wasn't well. That he just wasn't capable of being the father she deserved right now. That I knew in his heart he loved her more than anything. It's very painful stuff for a kid... .to be abandoned by a parent. But she got it. She had seen the behaviors. I told her I felt it was still important for her to have the best relationship she could with him. And I also spent a lot of time reminding her of when things were different. Pulling out pictures of them together from time to time. Videos. Also had her in therapy for awhile. I wanted to make sure she realized this wasn't her fault. This was about his problems... .not about her. I did invite him for holidays (with my family) the first year after we split. A lot of stuff has happened since and I no longer do... .but I think it made the transition easier for her.
Title: Re: How do I help my daughter whose BPD dad who has left our home? Post by: Surnia on October 05, 2013, 12:08:35 AM Hi toomanytears
Perhaps you can make offers and ask her about going out or a walk and talk... . Could be that she is also hurt bc she is thinking that she did something wrong - so you can validate her and tell her that she is not causing his breakdown. I would not label him BPD - perhaps mention some problems you are having with him. About Christmas: Perhaps you can set a time frame, like you need more time to think about it? And I would make sure you know what your children are thinking about it too. |