BPDFamily.com

Hey all,

I am glad to say that I won't be posting on here anymore... .I must move forward with my life as I've been trying to do for the past year and half and I'm at a point where I can finally.  I want to thank everyone on here who has helped out with some amazing insights and posts.

Some more advice from a 'veteran' who has been fighting the good fight and is winning and not giving up.

There are many components after breaking up with your BPD partner, the road bifurcates into two, 1 side is happy that they are gone and hold bitterness the other side is missing them and filled with the horrible feelings.

Unfortuantely for me, I had the pleasure of painting her white when we broke up, I missed her, I wanted her, I even defended her whenever I ruminated about her coupled with the horrible feelings we are left with. I was also in graduate school, hundreds of miles away from family, and living in a crappy apartment ALONE.  I didn't have money for a T or any sort of clinical help.

My take/advice on what seems to be the most FAQs about BPDs is

1. Will they better with the next person? Truthfully, there is no paradigm for ALL BPD but from my experience and the countless stories I've read on here, most will continue their behavior over and over and over. As humans, it's hard to set aside our ego and look within ourselves to admit our flaws. It's a herculean task to try to change ourselves, could you imagine how HARD it is to change another person? and EVEN harder a pwBPD? or how hard do you think it will be for a pwBPD to change themselves? when they are so freakin' scared to look at themselves. So, unfortuantely no, they don't get better.

2. Did they ever love me? I like to believe that in their own 'special' way they did. My BPD did not act crazy with all people, just a handful of people who are most intimate with her. The closer you are to them, the more serious the burns will be. My BPDex had a love for me that she could not sustain. It's what she knew. How could she have a firm grasp on love when she models her relationships after an abusive marriage between her parents? and constantly dates losers and douchebags? It's what she knew, she's emotionally stunted.

3. Do they ever think about us? If I had a dollar for everytime she spoke about her rape, her ex boyfriends, her old friends, I would of walked out with a few hundred dollars (in the course of 8 month relationship). I think that they do. Heck, I think about my old ex girlfriends or girls that I used to fool around with from time to time and I wonder if they are OK, or how they are doing. Of course, I don't have BPD so  I don't know what she thinks but I do assume deep down they do know they have some fault in the failure of the relationship. However, that clarity is short and their defense mechansisms kick in FAST. But they do think about you... .If they don't ever contact you... Thank god and they have a new supply of ego boosting or you made it damn clear to never contact you again |iiii

4.I want to break NC, should I?  NC is the best thing you can do. IGNORE anyone and anything associated with your BPDex partner. Until you can handle possibly seeing a sibling of theirs or family member. IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE! You won't move on if you're still entangled and up to date with their stuff. Block, delete, ignore. They are not worth your time. Additionally, if they ever contact you, don't reply. If they try to get you angry, horny, sad, jealous... .remember that it's just to get a response out of you for their own benefit

5. I left, Not sure if my ex had BPD or not? What if it was me? If you found your way to this website... .you're not crazy. There was obviously something wrong.  If your BPDex does not have BPD... .it makes their behavior a bit more personal right? well... .BPD or not they were toxic to YOU. YOUR well being. Your mental, physical, and social health were at risk. Labeling them with BPD eases our pain and explains their behavior. However, they are/were/will be bat shlt crazy regardless of the BPD label! GOOD RIDDANCE. IT WASN'T YOU! BELIEVE ME... .They are not on bpdfamily or any other website trying to figure out why YOU were bad... .they are out self medicating, hiding from their pain.

6Do we have core trauma for dating them? IMHO, iffy question. We all had past experiences that have shaped us in one way or another. Perhaps some of us have traumatic expriences that we relate and see in our BPD partners. Some of us do not have core damage. Perhaps it was just a simple case of being naive and a bad experience. Don't let anyone ANYWHERE tell you that 'you have core trauma' because you dated them. That's for you to figure out. If you don't great... .IF you do, find out.

I battled so long in thinknig I had some sort of 'damage' because I dated her. Because BPD websites push towards this notion that we are... .well that's for YOU and YOU only to think about.

7. How can I get over them? In time. There is no set model that one must follow to get over them. Everyone is different. The one thing I can say is that stick to NC. Throw everything out. Don't listen to songs/dont go to places that reminds you of them/ don't find out that htey are up to. Those are the first steps.  

How did I get over her? Still stings a bit... .But, I'm in a state of indifference. With time you will get to this place. I forgave her. I realised that I stayed despite her behavior. I was naive. I let so much slide because she was victim of sexual abuse and used her story to manipulate me.

I forgave her... .I realised the wonderful beauty of life that I missed out by on dwelling over her and that's worse than the pain she caused me. Feel your emotions sit down and have a cup of tea with them. Figure why you stayed, and what you will do differently next time.

Ask yourself these questions... .

Have I made stronger boundaries?

What has changed for the better?

If I meet another person like them what will I do?

How can I have a better relationship?

How has this made me a stronger and better person?


Everything will be ok... In time always in time.

Great Insights!

Good luck with your new life! : ) Enjoy all the new adventures waiting for you!

Brilliantly put Deleted  |iiii

I wish you all the best 

Best wishes to you Deleted.  |iiii

Though I do hope that maybe you'll visit in the future to show people how well you are doing! 

Well said. Thank your sharing your views and all the best.

 |iiii thanks for all the positive feedback and great advice, and so glad you came this far, yes with some ups and downs, but you made it, you did it! i wish you the best on your new path!

Thank you for this amazing post and best of luck!

Best of luck on your journey, and thank you for the insight and advice. (And I'm one of the non-core-trauma people, so thanks for touching on that!)

  Deleted,

Thank you for taking the time to post here.  Your insight has been very helpful to me!  There are things that you have written that have been just the thing I needed to read to get me through the day. 

I wish you all the best!

Great post Deleted. Thank you for sharing that and best to you in the future.

Deleted! Not sure if you will be reading this but thanks! Amazing post. I might just print this out! Wish you the best

Thank you Deleted!  I've saved a number of your posts - they've helped me immensely.  Best of luck!   

EO

Thank you. Copied and saved as a reminder.

Thank you for taking the time to share this! It is fueling my strength.

Excellent Deleted!

I ran into mine's sibling last night as a matter of fact.  It was very cordial and not awkward on both sides.  Passing time really helps.

Though I still would never break NC with mine,  I'd gracefully handle any re-engagement attempt if that meeting with her sibling triggers her to contact me.  I've heard through the grapevine my exBPD is "single" whatever that means and back on the hunt.  Her sibling told me how great I look.  I've been under a dietary/exercise program for three years that really is beginning to show some results.  I started it before my dysfunctional relationship too.  I thanked her for the compliment.  I know it will get back to my exBPD too.

I've already decided to tell her that "I'm just not good for her" and leave it at that.  It's actually true too.  She's not good for me either.  Hopefully, she'll keep her distance, but I can handle it as I have handled her before in a way less healed state.

Good luck!