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I know I'm on the leaving board so it shouldn't matter. Somehow I'm so conflicted. This weekend has been good with uBPDh and it unfortunately reminds me of why I love him. I also know it's not really him, it's the BPD that loves me, but it's still hard... .

I hate being human. I hate that I love him, I hate that I despise him, I hate his drug use, I hate that I'm so drawn to him.

I've mulled it over with my best friend and on side confirmation of other people I'm pretty sure my uBPDh is not on pain pills, I think he's selling the pills he's getting for crack. He was an addict for 14 years but was clean for almost 5... .I've found cellophane that dealers use to wraps tips in. The residue is a white powder. Can be either coke or rock.i ordered the police kits online and had them shipped to my bffs house. It arrived yesterday but I've not had time to do it on the down low where I can't be stopped or tampered with.

I am 99.99% sure of what I'll find, but I'm scared all the same. The signs and symptoms he thinks I don't see, but I grew up with a family of addicts and I've seen it all. Me and 1 cousin are the only ones out if 16 that have never touched any of it. Doesn't mean we are stupid though. I know all too well.

Please help me not be scared and help with how to approach when positive... .

Someone please offer advice!  I'm trying so hard to hold strong and I'm chickening out... .

lostinparadise,

If you find proof of what you are pretty certain you are going to find, what do you suppose your uBPDh response will be?

Denial, or he will cook up a lie to explain away what you found, or he will accuse you of setting him up or who knows what he will come up with.

Will you be satisfied with that?

Or,

Check with the local authorities, find out your legal rights such that you are not on the hook should you find the proof of his activities.

Then file for divorce. You don't need BPD in your life nor do you need his drug habit. Love him from far away for your own sanity and safety.

Hi Lost. I get that this must be scary. Although you think you know it's not the same as seeing it black on white. 

On the legal board you'll find more about how to cover your bases in a divorce. The members there are really good. I'm thinking it s important to get the order of things right and protect yourself and your daughter.

Is he being physically abusive at the moment?

I mentioned a little over a week ago that his best friend let it slip that he smokes pot and he got that "indignant offended" reaction... .the how dare you and that hurts my feelings and blah blah blah.  BUT, I didn't have official proof, only heresay... .

He will be mad, probably rage, I'm trying to time it where when it's positive I can have a bag of his packed to make him go so he has no reason to stay and pack while he's raging and things will escalate.  I need my daughter to be gone and none of his kids to be there.  

I imagine he will find some way to accuse me, but if I have that proof, he can accuse all he wants... .it's all proven lies at that point and he can deal with his consequences.  

There's just the part of me that hopes beyond hope that I'm wrong and not been deceived as much as I now believe I have been... .you know.

Scarlet Phoenix,

No, not even raged in the past couple of weekends.  I think that weekend 3 weeks ago truly scared him.  Not downplaying the situation or anything, just I do think it did.  He's actually been trying very hard to get along, though I know with BPD it won't last forever, I'm not delusional, just I do think he was shaken up by his own actions. 

The proof is terrifying, yes.  I thought I'd feel more empowered, but now that the testing kit is in my hands, I'm scared to death.

Lost,

I say stop worrying about what the next steps are until you take the test.  Don't put so much pressure on yourself.  I think you are afraid of what you will find on the test because in your mind if you find a positive result that will mean you SHOULD do xyz and you are afraid to do xyz.

Why not say to yourself - I can decide to do whatever I want with the information when I get it.  I can take time to process it or whatever.  All I am doing right now is finding out the truth for myself - even if I decide to keep that truth to myself for a bit.

Just get it over with.  Otherwise it will haunt you and drive up your anxiety continually.  No use stressing about it until you know what the answer actually is.

Don't look at all the other steps.  Just look at this ONE step.  This is all you need to do RIGHT NOW.  All things in time and in order.

You can do it!  You are strong!