BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

In a nutshell, I joined this support group because I am wondering if my childhood (growing up with a BPD Mother) could be linked to why I am experiencing intense anxiety/obsessive thoughts about my fiancé dying.

I'm a 25 y/o female. I am quite educated on psychiatric disorders, the impact they have on families, and treatment methods. However, I cannot be an objective when it comes to myself. I would like to know if anyone else has experienced what I am experiencing. Furthermore, any suggestions on dealing with this would be so appreciated.

Growing up, I had a very chaotic and abusive environment. My father died of an accidental drug overdose when I was 2. My mother has sociopathic tendencies along with her BPD diagnosis and my grandmother has Bipolar Disorder. Mental illness runs in my family.

I don't really want to get into the horrific details of what I experienced growing up, but here are the important facts:

-I no longer have any relationship with my mother. I do not even call her mom. I refer to her by her first name. I'll use her initials to identify her: NN. My paternal aunt adopted me when I was 16 after my mother kicked me out of the house.

-I moved 26 times before age 16 due to NN constantly switching lovers, jobs, and friends.

-NN would leave me all the time as a kid and I would stay with relatives and friends

-NN definitely viewed me as the bad child, while she held my younger sister in the highest regard.

-NN was incredibly physically and verbally abusive to me, never to my sister.

-NN never was affectionate and I don't ever remember her telling me she loved me

-NN sexually exploited me for her own personal and financial gain

-NN and I have had zero relationship going on 10 years now and I've had to take out numerous restraining orders and protection orders because she still harasses me (this September I spent my birthday in the police station filing charges on her for cyberstalking)

-NN has failed to see her role in anything that has transpired between us and tells me she "forgives me for hating her."

-She has sent harassing emails slandering my family members and has even threatened to email my fiancés family and "tell them who I really am" (whatever that means!)

I could go on and on and on... .But I think that demonstrates the nature of our relationship and the circumstances.

The whole reason I am seeking support and guidance is because I developed severe anxiety over my fiancé a few years ago. We have been together for 7 years and he's my absolute best friend. He is the only person in the world that I feel truly knows me and loves me. I don't know if its because NN made me feel so unloveable my whole life, but he makes me feel so loved and supported.

A few years back, I began to worry about him dying all the time. It came on rather abruptly- I began to ask him to check in with me any time he went somewhere. I worried but the worry wasn't debilitating. As the years have gone by and we have grown stronger and closer than ever, my anxiety has worsened. I live an exhausting life of worry. We are living 2 hours apart right now due to his job. The distance makes it so much worse because I am in constant fear of him dying. It's never anything specific... .I literally imagine any scenario of something happening to him. If he hasn't texted me by 7:01 that he's at work, I am in full blown panic attack mode that he's died in a car wreck. If he doesn't tell me he's back at work after his lunch break, I will obsess that he choked on his food and is dead in his house. I have gone so far as calling the police before. It's unexplainable how I get to this level of irrationality so quickly. I have had to leave tests, work, and social gatherings before because my anxiety was so high and I was sobbing uncontrollably because he wasn't answering my calls or texts. I keep the news apps open on my phone and constantly check the traffic alerts in the area he lives in. Like, the extent I go to just to feel like I'm in control of the situation is so unhealthy. I think to myself, "If I know where he is at all times and am constantly aware of what's going on around him, he won't die."

Saying goodbye is always an hour long affair. I have to basically profess my love to him a million times, I apologize for anything and everything I've EVER done, I have to get a "perfect" hug and kiss, and sometimes I make him say my full name when he loves me. It's like I am preparing for him to die and I want him to know how much I love him and for the last time we touched and spoke to be perfect. It's so sick.

I have seen loved ones and friends lose family members and significant others suddenly and it shook me to my core. I wake up every morning with a sick feeling in my stomach that today will be the day my fiancé will die. He has been so patient with me, but recently he gently confronted me on my obsessive thoughts and anxiety because he says it is stressing him out and interfering with his life. I totally get it. My obsessions and rituals are exhausting. He has to constantly tell me he's ok, and if he doesn't text me back or answer my calls, I fly off the handle. He has a very important job that requires him to be 100% focused (he's a mechanical engineer) and I know he's busy at work, yet my anxiety feels like he should just wait by the phone to always let me know where he is and if he is safe.

I am here because I don't know what else to do. I am losing sleep, becoming quite depressed, and my anxiety is only rising. Just this morning, I've had maybe 3 hours of sleep all night and have been battling images of him dying for the last 2 hours. I need some perspective. Do y'all think my childhood (maybe unresolved issues) has anything to do with this?

Any guidance would be helpful.

Thanks.

Hi ShadowSelf and welcome to bpdfamily,

First of all I'd like to say that I'm very sorry for the way your mother, or NN as you call her, has treated you. The things you've been through growing up could definitely be contributing factors to your anxiety issues and obsessive thoughts concerning your fiancee. Another thing you said struck me: “I have seen loved ones and friends lose family members and significant others suddenly and it shook me to my core. I wake up every morning with a sick feeling in my stomach that today will be the day my fiancé will die.”

It could be that those losses you describe had an even greater impact on you than you imagined. Maybe they (partly) caused your current problems. Or maybe they reinforced the believe you already had that the people you love most will always die. Your mother is still alive but in many ways you could also say that you lost her, or at least the hope of having a normal loving mother. This could also contribute to your anxiety and obsessive thoughts. Do you think any of these points could be valid for your situation?

Hi Shadowself,

I'm sorry for everything you've experienced and the anxiety you are currently having.   You're actually not alone  - sometimes I have thoughts like these about my boyfriend, though they don't crop up all that often.

Personally, I do think some of it has to do with my uBPDm always losing me in public, threatening to emotionally abandon me whenever we had a conflict, and the irregular nature of my childhood. I think, in a way, I was conditioned to expect emotional abandonment whenever there was a conflict in the relationship.

Now, this may be a stretch, but even when there isn't anything going on, I think those old ingrained patterns can still crop up and might leave us expecting SOMETHING bad to happen - i.e. someone dying.

The way I get around it, is to think "no one can say how long either of us have with each other. Am I going to spend the precious time we have worrying and stressing (and possibly stressing him out, too) or am I going to enjoy every minute I possibly can?" Usually that's enough for the worry to subside. If I feel those nagging thoughts start popping up again, then I do my best to try and distract myself with something really engrossing that I love doing. By the time I look up, my b/f has texted or come home, and everything is absolutely fine, to the point that I don't even worry that much anymore.

Shadowself, you seem to have survived so much - we all have. I think some of the strongest people out here belong to this board! It's hard to "re-wire" the brain sometimes, but I believe it's possible. Best of luck and hope I've helped! <3

ShadowSelf

Welcome to the Healing board.  Among BPD family there will be many members who will relate similar experiences, it is a comfort to know that you are not alone.

Have you sought therapy for yourself?

You will find many useful resources on this site. Use key words in the search facility to access relevant archive posts.   Keep reading and posting.

Best wishes to you for healing.

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