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I have been married for 16 years and only recently have understood that being difficult was far less than what describes my uBPDH. When I started digging deeper and found out about borderline, it as if I was reading my H´s life on the board. It is definitely him - all over the place - and to the nth degree.

I also read about what I was going through and never had imagined that I was being abused - I mean, he never really hit me... .  But as the list kept on I kept checking the boxes... .yes, yes, this too, and this... .I went through it all - the emotional, psychological, physical, sexual and financial abuse. So it was all a very large emotional ride.

But, in time, I finally came to a rock and a hard palce, and decided I needed out. For my sake, for the kids sake, for a better life even if I have to live under the bridge. (He never let me study or further my education and I married him at a young age.) But then when I got the gut to tell him, he changed. I can see him change... .He got down and cried, and begged and said he´d go to therapy and so on and so forth. He acknowledged the abuse and said he doesn´t want that either for us. He said he wants a new life.

Back to me: I can´t believe how far down I´ve come myself, form being independent, intelligent, fluently speaking 3 languages and living overseas to what I´ve become: (over a 16 year period) having no friends, no social contact and no work.No prospects of getting better. I am a stay at home mom and all the income comes from him. When the phone rings he says "who is that?" "what do they want?" as if i have an affair with every caller. Facebook - worse. He won´t even let me open the mail if his name is on it.

I want to go to school, get another diploma, do something meaningful in life. Yes raising kids is meaningful, but I have so much more to offer!  I´ve always wanted that - so since he was in a "begging" mood, I decided to say that if I as to stay, I want to have a career. At least one day - but I want to study now. He agreed.  

I´m thrilled and happy :) but then inside I keep think - what in the world am I doing? I´m just pushing his buttons and soon or later this whole university diploma is going to explode in my face? What is going to happen when I actually have friends calling me and want to go out? What am I going to do when I have to be gone for long periods of time? Is he just lying to keep me here?

I also know that if i am going to leave, I can´t support the kids by myself - so i need a job - whatever it is. So I guess this is a first step into gaining my independence and my life back, but I am so scared.  I keep thinking - he´s lying and just trying to manipulate me into staying, then when things are good, he´ll explode and it will be worse than before, because I´ll have so much explaining to do. I´ll go through hell all again. These few days of peace have been so good... .Am I just being paranoid?   

Hi Monarch Butterfly 

Welcome to the boards. I think it's great that you're looking to start an education, good on you!  |iiii

As for your husband, if he has BPD, I would expect him to not be able to keep up this nice guy front. Their emotions are too volatile and too unstable to be able to stay calm and content for long.

There are thing you can do, and you'll find many helpful tools and articles on the boards. A good place to start is by reading Stop the bleeding on the right ----------------------->

As long as you're living together, you'll need ways to step back and detach from attacks on you and ways to avoid getting dragged into arguments you have no idea how started and where you quickly don't even really know what you're discussing.

Hi MB,

Education is always good, so get as many credits under your belt as you can while he is amenable to the idea.

Perhaps he feels it will flatter him to have a college-educated wife. Whatever the motivation, it is in your best interests to start building the foundation of your future career.

Since you have a source of ongoing support, you may be able to take on internships that would be less feasible for other students. These can open doors.

Hi Monarch Butterfly,

From my personal experience, and from what I've read on this website, do not expect any major long term change without your husabnd puting in a lot of HARD WORK.  Unless you believe in miracles I don't think there is any way around this fact.  Very encouraging that he is willing to go to a therapist.  I encouraged my spouse to do this, no big break throughs  but a few good signs and I'm still hopeful.

What has helped is me acknowledging that the only real control I have in our relationship is over myself.  All of us on this website were at some point attracted to a BPD.  Uncovering why I was attracted, and my own shortcomings has changed my life.  I can't encourage you enough to work on your own values, boundries and taking care of yourself.  Embarrased to admit this but after 20 years of marriage my own values and boundries were a complete mess.  Avoiding conflict, pleasing others, borrowed fucntioning, emmeshment.  Not sure if my marriage is going to last, but either way I'm doing the work I need to do on myself and it has been an amazing journey.  I wish you the best.