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so last week i had a blow out with my ex. really i was dealing with a lash out of our daughter and its been increasing so i was a bit frustrated. my ex cancelled two visits.

i took some time to cool down. currently my ex and i do this two times a week and then alternating weekends. it's not really stable for me. the visits are pretty quick. during the weekdays she often changes when our daughter can spend the night.

i asked that we focus on making a goal to reduce our contact to minimize conflict and increase our quality time with our daughter. it seems like a win-win. i'm sure we both just don't like each other and we need to admit it. at the end though, i regret telling her, "i really really need to minimize my contact with you". i wish i left that part out. now i'm anxious about how she'll respond.

It is all about their controlling us still.

The two reallys let her know she still is in control - but you can't be perfect.

Your ex's behavior is the cause of your frustration - and your daughter is stuck with an unfit mother and an exhausted father.

ALWAYS TAKE THE COOL DOWN TIME.

I refuse to speak verbally to my ex because he will attempt to abuse me every time I do.

All communication is through email - and I tend to "sleep on it" before sending my response making sure I really want to send it. 

The other thing I found was I don't ask anymore - I turn everything in to "I" statements - I will be limiting my contact - and I don't state why - just more material for him to abuse me with.

Hope something helps - and keep up the amazing work of being a part of your daughter's life even though it is a challenge!

The control thing is the answer. As I learned to detach emotionally ex would rachet up her responses and threats. As long as I didn't react things quieted down. If I reacted ex would use the same strategy later.

I look at it less as control and more as engagement. My T said negative engagement is still engagement. The less I engaged the better it got for me and that helped me to help our boys. As time went on ex gave me the boys more and more because she couldn't use them to engage with me anymore.

You set a boundary with your ex and you advised her. Don't feel bad, stick to your boundary for you. You did the right thing Justadude.