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My uBPDh, who never goes out with friends, went out on Friday night with an old friend who was in town for the weekend and stayed out all night long.  I woke up suddenly at 5:30 a.m. and realized he wasn't home.  I texted and called him.  My text woke him up on his friend's couch, and he came home.  

Yes, I was angry, suspicious, upset.  But nothing near what I would have expected of myself.  When I realized why, I was shocked.  I actually liked the leverage I thought this "bad act" might get me.  I've been starting to notice lately that I'm playing his game - essentially competing with him to be the "better person."  But I haven't even been trying to be a "better person" by my own standards, I've been trying to do it by his outrageously ridiculous standards.  He criticizes, hints, directly says, that I am selfish and uncaring, and he points out where I go "wrong" with parenting, whether it's a legitimate criticism or not.  He doesn't normally do anything overtly "bad" (judging by his own standards, which I am now realizing are the rules of our family), and I actually was relieved that he finally had crossed his own line!   my-issues  

Regarding the incident itself, we talked and I am satisfied that he didn't cheat on me and that he understands that what he did was wrong.  But these revalations about myself are unsettling for me.  I always thought of "fleas" as being when we nons lose control emotionally and start raging like raving lunatics.  But it goes so much deeper than that.  I've been playing his game and following his rules for so long that it's almost like he's inside my head.  I've become this person who is living life as if it's a game to be played by his rules alone.  This is a scary place to be.  But I suppose it's good that I'm realizing these things.

Anyone else had the same feelings?  And hopefully it was on the road to getting healthy?

Daylily

Thanks for sharing. What a realisation! Upsetting, I'm sure, but powerful, too. Insight leads to improvement. Definitely worth mulling over... .

Well, there is good news about fleas.

And that is that they are pretty easy to for a non- to drop them when we finally notice them. At least compared to the same symptoms in a pwBPD.

The "Holy !@#$! I'm doing WHAT!" reaction is pretty effective for us. In my case, in my darkest days I caught myself banging my head on something (enough to hurt, not just dramatic effect). I remember calming down later and telling myself I'd never do that again. Actually I did it once more, a few months later, but now I know I'll never do it again. (That was a year or two ago)

In the case of a pwBPD who is cutting or otherwise self-injuring, the road to recovery is much longer and harder than that.

I can totally relate to the part I bolded!  Only for me, it started with my mom.  Yes, this kind of awareness is unnerving, it's so healthy and helpful though to getting ourselves back on track |iiii