BPDFamily.com

So guys - question... .

If it hurts like hell when you are with them: ongoing abuse, daily issues (at least in my case), constant putdowns and rages, irresponsible financial behavior, cruelty, mean, rejection, alternating with silent treatment, cursing you out, breaking things, making you physically ill from the stress of their behavior and presence THEN... .

Why does it seem for some it's so bad without them?  If it hurts either way, why are many of us still feeling the pull to stay or secretly want them back?

Because it's the devil you know?  Because you think somehow you will get the magical different outcome which presents a new option of a good relationship instead of the only 2 there have been (staying in hell or leaving - neither of which are a real "win"?

As I look through and read other's responses & posts I think I was blessed (if you can call it that) in way that many on here are not.  My marriage was very fractured for a long period of time before the divorce.  I had very few good times at all during about the last 9 months.  And then for a year preceding a brief 3 month "good cycle".  I wasn't sleeping in the room with my exH, we weren't sleeping together at all, he was SO out of control with no periods of "good" or kindness for many months, and his craziness and cruelty became so repulsive to me that I was GLAD to get away.

I think for those that are still getting some intermittent "good" times & still sexually intimate with their BPD it's much harder.

In bold.

Because the devaluation phase... .

Along with the discard... .

Isnt given the equal weight... .

Of the idealization phase.

Lady31,

My experience has been much the same as yours. The last year has been no physical intimacy to speak of and he was only here a month out of the entire year. The previous year, we had 4 months together and in that time, sex was a moot point, I can count on one hand.

It still hurts, but I don't want him back and I don't want to hurt him either. There is no "win", but maybe there is hope for healing.

Lady31 are you divorcing or divorced at present?

Also look up information on Betrayal bond and cognitive dissonance, It explains a great deal as well. Has helped me.

Hope you are doing well   and you as well IMF

The devil you know.  Cool Anthrax song.

In my case, I think the difficulty I'm having with letting go is the fact that my pwBPD and I generally seemed to have a strong relationship and marriage.  Maybe I was fooling myself, but I really didn't suffer the rages or intense jealousy others did.  My W is/was a waif, and the difficulties we had revolved around her helplessness--an inability to hold a job despite a good education, financial irresponsibilty, and daily battles with intense depression and anxiety.  I never felt trapped or terribly unhappy... .frustrated on occasion, but in some ways I expected that to be something lovers feel every now and again.  She seemed so dependent on me, and so much in love... .maybe I became addicted to that feeling, and maybe it indicates a bit of narcissism on my part, along with a lot of codependency. 

It's frustrating, since I learned a lot about BPD after her initial diagnosis, and have become completely absorbed with the illness since she left.  And yet knowing everything I now do still hasn't helped break the bond I feel for her, despite the fact she simply walked out out of the blue and has yet to look back.